Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

One of the perks of getting older is if you encounter an organ harvester in a dark alley they usually just ignore you.

Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey

Watch out for scammers…if you see my profile pic or name asking for money and nudes, that’s not me. I’d only ask for nudes and recipes

[confession booth]

ME: I committed all 7 deadly sins in 30 minutes

PRIEST: wow I gotta hear this

ME: I was angry and envious of my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and didn’t share

PRIEST: you forgot pride

ME: no, I’m pretty proud of this

i like elevator conversations because i know there’s a time limit

DJ: WAVE YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR LIKE YOU JUST DON’T CARE

*crowd nervously looks at each other

*meek yet courageous man steps up

M: No.

just watched a bird catch a worm at 3 in the afternoon

everything is a lie nothing is real

I love greens, but not in a sexual way

Platonic salads, so to speak

Me- Look at the beautiful Christmas lights kids!
My husband- Woo buddy, I’d love to see their electric bill

[waiting for elevator]
Coworker: Hey, how’s it go-
Me: I’ll take the stairs.

So I taught myself how to juggle chainsaws from a YouTube video and let’s just say this took me twenty minutes to type out one handed

Easter chocolate is the best chocolate. Everbunny knows that.

Did it hurt? When even autocorrect couldn’t figure out that word you were reaching for

The cookie jar oinks when I open it, so don’t ever question my dedication to these hips.

Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.

Me: How did Mrs. Incredible know to name her son Dash if she didnt know what his superpower was yet?

Cashier: so was that paper or plastic?

Twitter because there’s no other way to get to know so many Canadians at once

me at 20: i’ll do anything.

me at 46: this drive thru has too tight of a turn radius.

I’m opening a Japanese restaurant for depressives.

It’s called “Miso Sad.”

My anaconda don’t want none unless you got a suitable living environment for him, a terrarium with a heat lamp, some small rodents, etc.

GIRLFRIEND: *Crying* My dog died!

ME (who was only dating her because of her dog): So I have more bad news.

[At the Amnesty International Open Summit]

“OK, let’s put it to a vote, what rights should humans be entitled to?”

Kim Jong-un: “No rights.”
Raúl Castro: “Some rights.”
Matthew McConaughey: “All rights, all rights, all rights.”

[12 hours without eating]

Maybe Hannibal Lecter was just really hungry

Kid: “Mom, there’s a dead possum in the yard.”

Me: “Let’s take a look.” [pokes possum with stick]

Possum: [pops up]

Me: Aaaaaahhhhh! [faints]

Possum: [starts poking me with a stick]

Professor: most of you won’t pass this course

Me: cool so you’re like, Real shitty at your job

*fingerpaints your nude portrait using a can of Easy Cheese*

[first day as a chef]

assistant: why is your hat squeaking

The way I ordered pistachio cannolis sounded like a drug deal.

Go downtown, not too far, turn left at the coffee spot, look for a little red sign, it’s not big, maybe a foot, go in and ask for Angelo, tell him Amanda sent you.

ME: I wish for a third dog to pet.

GENIE: you’re seriously wasting these wishes-

ME: I DON’T REMEMBER WISHING FOR YOUR OPINION

New Cartoon for Alta magazine