I’m so talented I can not only spill food on my clothes but I can get it on yours too.
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Jesus Christ is trending? What the heck did he do THIS time?
10 out of 10 babies hate my baby launcher
Me: The unstoppable march of time is what I fear most. Each year feels shorter than the last, and in no time at all I will be an old man on my deathbed, full of regret and impotent pleas for mercy.
Also me: wtf you mean it’s only Wednesday
So many people recognized me with my mask on that I had to cross Bank Robber off my list of career options
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
[job interview]
“Name one of your strengths”
I didn’t stab anyone today
“That’s not-”
Yesterday wasn’t so good tho
Scientists: The impending climate crisis will be the darkest most frightening episode in human history.
Me, who loves Netflix documentaries: Damn that’s gonna be good.
Me: Opposite of Ladyfinger should be Mentos.
Grocery store clerk: *into walkie talkie* Security? He’s back!
They’re going to start pairing TV shows w/medications. “If you’re taking this, this and this… watch this!”
My dog would have been disqualified if she was in that 100m final because she always goes on ‘ready’, the little cheat.
*First guy to make bunk beds
Hey Jim, you wanna sleep on top of me but not like on top, on top
Day number 3 without coffee: Lost hearing in my left eye.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz you SMELLED THIS DONUT?
*tosses donut out window*
Cop: …
Me: Aren’t you gonna go get-
Cop: Get out.
if I was a horned animal fighting another male for a mate and I lost, I would just go up to one of the females after and be like “I won.” They don’t even watch
We just walked into a Target and my wife said we don’t need a buggy and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do in here without a buggy to push.
Priest: You May now kiss the bride.
Goth couple: *scowls*
Priest: *Sigh* You may Now bestow one final graven kiss upon this queen of winter throned.
If these seasonal allergies don’t kill me, that person I just sneezed all over probably will.
uber needs to start showing pictures of drivers’ cars rather than their model name… does it look like i know what a nissan sentra expecto patronum excel spreadsheet 2008 is
Welcome to your 40s: here’s another chin, have a nice day.
“All I ever wanted to do is make a difference.” – Subtraction Man
Me: God, I’ve been super stressed lately
My skin: would a bunch of pimples help?
I just ate some leftover mashed potatoes out of my hair, and I don’t even remember having mashed potatoes
*3:27 am. batman rubs his eyes as he slowly walks up & switches off the giant spotlight that’s creating the bat signal in the sky. he turns to the crowd*
what do you guys want now?
me: would you still love me if i was crazy?
him: if????
If your baby is being extra clingy lately, it’s not because they love you
They’ve seen what 2020 has brought so far and now they want back inside
new app: may we send you notifications?
me: sure
app: *sends notification*
me: oh hell no
my date ended up being a mannequin
i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the movies
date: what’s your dream job?
me: designing food stats for RPGs
date: umm ok… *sips water*
me: [under breath] -2 thirst
*Watching TV*
Hmmm, I should read more
*Turns on subtitles*
I had this nightmare that Salma Hayek and Kevin Hart were trying to tell me something at the same time and expected me to understand it