Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[at urinal in restaurant bathroom]

Him: …
Me: …
Him: Do you come here often?
Me: No
Him: …
Me: I go into the stall for that

If my family starts talking politics at Thanksgiving I’m changing the subject by announcing I’m pregnant.

I’m at an age where I don’t spring into action.
I dead of winter into action.

GARY JOHNSON: let me debate, i wanna debate, lemme lemme
MODERATOR: FINE! how will you deal with big banks
JOHNSON: like…river banks, or

Saying “You first” when the doctor told me to take off my shirt made the rest of the appointment awkward for him and I.

People in Arab nations are still wondering what all the western world hub bub about hump day and camel toe is about.

Sleepless in Seattle starring Tom Honks and Meg Ryan (1993)

cw: what did you do at the weekend?

me: friends treated me to a bloated birthday meal

cw: I think you mean belated?

m: *recalling the deep-fried pufferfish* I know exactly what I mean

Part of fatherhood is becoming an expert in some obscure topic and teaching it to your children who stopped listening 30 minutes ago.

the cat has to wear the cone of shame and i woke up to her standing over me like a homicidal lamp and any way i’ll never be going back to sleep again

SPOUSE: No.
ME: It’s just a costume.
SPOUSE: You’re not going to your parents’ Halloween party as “the child they wished they had.”

ME: genie, i wish i was dead
GENIE: [makes me dead then brings me back to life] ok u have two wishes left
ME: i dont think u understood

Cops: you’re not allowed to drink in a moving car

Some Guy: what if it’s a really long car

Cops: oh well that’s different

Cake: I want a girl who gets up early. I want a girl who stays up late.

Me: She is going to be exhausted.

Random dm guy: What are you wearing?

Me: A scathing look of disdain

If you’re out shopping today I’m a size Nordstrom gift card

you, an idiot: It’s pronounced worcestershire.

me, an intellectual and foodie: Actually, it’s pronounced worcestershire.

I finally got some me time away from the kids. Two whole hours. It would’ve been longer but my legs went numb crouching behind the dryer.

[on payphone] Hello New York Times? In every box of tissues there’s a tiny man who feeds the next tissue through the openi— [CIA agents tackle me]

[princess gets captured in a castle]

[princess breaths a sigh of relief cuz she knows 2 short Italian plumbers]

Chairman: I’d like everyone to go over what they chose as their mascots.

Burger King: A king.

Wendy’s: A joyous child.

Mcdonald’s: I didn’t know we- um, a clown? Like a big nasty clown.

Chairman:

Mcdonald’s: A big nugget. Maybe purple. No wait how about a moist little thief?

Every time I have a salad for lunch my stomach feels the same way a dog does when someone fake throws a tennis ball.

I’m voting [cheers] for a third party candidate [boos] in a blue state [mixed response] in the chalamet lookalike contest [quizzical looks]

If white guys are day drinking, it’s inevitable that they’re going to start wrestling at some point later that night.

before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life

A great way to relive your childhood is to outgrow your clothes every few months.

*looking at my messy home*

Time to Marie Kondo the shit outta this place.

*5 mins later, crying*

I can’t throw out the box for my Optimus 7. It was a Windows phone. They don’t make those anymore. *in fetal position* It sparks joy. It sparks joy. It sparks j-j-j-j-oy!

Me: I’m here to collect my pre-demon.

Lady: Sir, at this animal shelter, we call them kittens.

WIFE: Having your phone in your jeans pocket will make you infertile & stop us having more kids
ME: *shoves 10 phones & microwave in pocket*

If you have any selfies of you running from wolves then yes, I would be very interested.