Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

As a kid: the floor is lava

As a parent: the floor is Lego™️

[heaven]
ME: Lord?
JESUS: My son
ME: I have an important question
JESUS: I know…The meaning of life is f-
ME: Is Die Hard a Christmas movie?

[me telling my story how I survived a plane crash and lived on a deserted island for a year] it was crazy
[friend who once got a text from me where I accidentally called the grinch the grink] was the grink there?

I thrive on chaos!

*breaks spaghetti noodles in half*

I told my husband to tell me I don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm and he had the NERVE to say, “You don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm.”

I shall have another coffee for I am sleeping standing

ME: *admires her calves* ooohh nice

HER: do you mind?!

ME: sorry, sorry *admires her piglets instead*

I tripped going up the escalator and fell down the stairs for like 20 minutes.

My doorbell is the theme from “The Exorcist”.

LONELY OPTIMUS PRIME: *hires a ford escort service*

Bro I’m not afraid to die I’ve ordered calamari at like 8 different diners

Me: ‘This may be the booze talking, but that is a VERY snazzy outfit you have on there.’

Cop: ‘Step out of the car, please.’

Sorry about my outburst. I was under the influence of common sense

The guy who discovered boomerangs must have been terrified

my one cat vomited her dinner and then the other cat went in and started eating it

and that, my friends, is what chatgpt is to me

Of course women need more pockets, where are we supposed to hold all of our grudges?

There’s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it’s only lettuce 🙁

Any jeans can be skinny jeans if you eat enough doughnuts.

Once I get my tourettes under control, it’s over for you twitches

Shovelling the driveway with a heating pad jammed down the back of my shirt, the extension cord attached to the house like I’m an astronaut.

cop: could you please describe the man who tried to kill you

me: yeah he was not nice

{Packing for trip}
ME: I always thought they were called “soupcases”.
HER: Why would they be called soupcases?
ME: Well why would they be called suitcases?
HER: Because they’re for your suits.
ME:
HER:
ME: Okay I need to repack.

coworker relationships are so bizarre like i wouldn’t acknowledge you in public but i def know all about how your great aunt poisoned your great uncle for a life insurance payout.

*knocks on bathroom stall wall*

Forgive me father, for I have sinned.

“Huh? What?”

It’s been 3 days since my last-
[sound of diarrhea]

Give a man a fish & he’ll be all “WTF are you giving me a fish for? That’s weird” Teach a man to fish & he’ll be all “Again with the fish?”

*throws coin in fountain*
stranger: can you not do that?
Me: just want my wish to come true
S: this is a drinking fountain
m: wish came true

If you’ve been reading a book for more than a month you are in a relationship with that book and now you have to say hi to it when you come home

“I licked your post.”
“You mean you liked my post?”
“No.”

A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.

Ripped a tag off my leggings and did not realize it was load-bearing