I’m so thrilled hockey is starting I could nap
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My kid force-fed me popcorn so I had to act like I hated it, but it was secretly amazing
Don’t tell me a program may contain nudity. Tell me for sure so I don’t waste my time.
[my first day as a financial investor]
“I’m going all in on this Acme Corporation. Anybody want a piece?”
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
there are two types of people:
– someone who texts an entire paragraph before hitting send
– someone who texts that same paragraph and hits send after every third word
Watching the Olympics I was inspired to get back out running as I’ve put quite a bit of timber on. Pulled a muscle trying to pull up my running socks. The mrs hasn’t stopped laughing
Joined Match.com… And all I got was a lit cigarette
People who end their sentences with Latin abbreviations usually don’t know what they’re talking about et al.
Cop: please step out of the car
Me: *pulling away* suck it, cop!
Roller coaster operator: he’ll be back in 2 min 24 seconds
absolutely no one knows the words of “who let the dogs out” apart from the “who let the dogs out” bit
AM I BEING GASLIT????
I find a hole in one of my socks and think “alright, let’s put it back in the drawer and see if it heals.”
this morning i found a spider trapped in its own web and i was like, dude, same
There once was a poet on Twitter
who grew increasingly bitter.
He couldn’t surmount
the strict character count
and so his poems got even shi
Cleaning out the clutter in my house / garage, so if anyone is in need of a spouse that snores and kids that don’t listen, they’ll be out front.
Whatever, I’ve been in better hostage situations than this
*comes home drunk
*sleeps on floor
For fun, I steal my married friends phones & change my name to
‘Brandy from the club’
then repeatedly call them & hang up at 3am.#topahole
I’m going to write a book about all the things I should have done with my life.
l’ll call it my oughtabiography
The other night enough comedian friends complimented my sweater that I became certain they were making fun of me.
Critic: I don’t like your work
Me: buddy, *I* don’t like my work
Everytime I spend $20 I think this is fine because I won’t do it again. And then would u believe
I finally feel peaceful and my mind is quiet.
Universe: Have her ex from 15 years ago contact her out of the blue and apologize for things she’d forgotten.
I have always wanted to do this 😭😭
very demi lovato saying their favorite dish is a mug because it can hold hot liquids
Mulder: it’s some sort of over-fed grim reaper judgment figure.
Scully: we’re at the mall, Mulder. That’s just Santa.
*5 people I know walk right past me at the store*
Me: *patting mask* thank you
I just hid a big bag of Easter peanut butter cups in the back of the freezer. In July I’ll find them and be very pleased then convinced I have dementia.
“I’m quite content on this side of the street, thank you.”
— No squirrel ever.