Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name

What do you call someone who only believes 12.5% of the Bible?

An eighteist.

[karate class]

Sensei: break this board with your hands

Me: why can’t I use an axe?

Sensei: because I hate you

Did you ever have your parents hand you some cash, drop you off at the fair, and tell you they’ll pick you up in 8 hours? Work is the opposite of that.

If a woman asks you to buy her a flamethrower ask yourself some questions before you buy it.

Me: Look, I really stuck my neck out for you and-

Vampire: wow

Me: Right off the bat you- No, I’m just saying it bites, I mean it sucks when-

Vampire: WOW

WATSON: do you even have a proper education?

SHERLOCK: Elementary, my dear Watson

WATSON: but, like, beyond that

SHERLOCK: nah

[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!

With my husband’s inability to find anything, I’m really surprised we have children.

I wish my face had a screensaver that would come on to let people know that they’ve been talking to me for too long.

Me: Want to go to your classmate’s birthday party?

7yo: Yes, I love him! He’s my favorite! We’re best friends!

Me: What does he like so we can get him a present?

7yo: I don’t know.

You’re not alone. You have an ecosystem of microorganisms on your skin.

The most rewarding part of having a teenage daughter is having someone who looks exactly like you, acts just like you but who also finds everything about you absolutely repulsive

Can’t. Busy getting sized up for a sister wife by the dude at tractor supply.

Just because I’m Irish doesn’t mean I am always drunk. It means I always want to be.

This guy texting in metro besides me keeps covering his phone, like I care about his dinner plans in CP with his girlfrnd “Shona baby”

“Michael just bought a popcorn popper. You know what he probably wants to buy next? *Another* popcorn popper.”

-Amazon suggestions logic

SPOUSE: I have to work late Thursday
OUTER MONOLOGUE: I am going to miss you
INNER MONOLOGUE: I am going to eat something very stupid

You can tell you’re getting old when the barber spends less time on the top of your head and more time on your ears.

[Chasing a fox on my bike]

ME: How is he reaching the pedals?!

Kevin Hart said that he has turned down roles because the characters were gay, which is weird because I didn’t think he knew the word “no.”

Only recently discovering that math is a branch of science probably explains my math marks in high school.

Pants? You mean Leg Prisons?

Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.

Me: hold on are you—

roommate who just painted a Bansky on our kitchen wall:

Me:—Bob Ross?

Parents love telling you that you should date that person you haven’t seen or thought about for 10 years

BOSS: why are you late?

ME:

Thanks to auto correct, my wife thinks I want to check out Stranger Thongs tonight.

my phone:
🍎 APPLE PAY: RECURRING TRANSACTION COMPLETE
$15.35

me, smiling serenely, closing my phone: “wonder what that’s for :)”

I think tomorrow I’m going to respond to everyone using only lyrics from songs by The Dead Deads. Wish me some luck at the DMV.