Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A few weeks ago my dad decided he was going to order pizza from his iPad. He’s almost finished.

I just ran into my friend Sue. She introduced me to her second husband. I said “I wouldn’t have picked him first either.”

You dance like nobody is watching. I eat like that.

Thanks to smartphones, the toilet has been transformed from a place of quiet reflection to my remote business command center. I’m not avoiding work. I’m literally getting shit done.

How do you end an argument with a woman?

Tell her to calm down.

You’re dead now but the argument is over.

Netflix: if you like Murder & Standup

My mom shared an old picture of my brother and I on FB today. Wanted to make sure Debbie knew what was up.

Dad: HEY come here, did you go to school with this guy on tv?
Me: Dad, that’s Spongebob Squarepants
Dad: Must’ve been in your sister’s class

I have no idea what Steampunk is except that it must be healthier than Fried Punk.

Met this chinese guy with the surname Shen. His name’s Eric. As in Eric Shen. Have him for more than 4hours, call a doctor!

will never understand why soccer players celebrate a goal by running around more. you did good! take a lil’ break

Our 10 year old keeps asking me for his first mobile phone and every time he does I ask him ‘who you gonna call?’ and until he answers me correctly he sure as shit isn’t getting one

*keeps applying antiperspirant until he can remember doing both armpits*

As we watched the sun set together my 3yo asked me what kind of pajamas the sun likes to wear to bed and that just might be the cutest question I’ve ever been asked.

Also the dumbest.

I don’t think mall Santas should be allowed to have fake beards. Like come on Man, you’ve got one job!

Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?

Me: I usually take an afternoon nap

Interviewer: what? why?

Me: have to sober up for the drive home

[Office Supply Store]

Me: *getting toner*

Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.

Me: I hate math.

Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to ten, I can hit the nine-minute snooze two more times and only be five minutes late.

Safari Guide: *whispering* Folks, it’s a rhinoceros. Just back away without any erratic movements.

Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: Uh-oh.

For Halloween I’m going as an emotional roller coaster.

What idiot called it a paternity test and not a pop quiz?

Never have I ever… rushed out of my house pretending I had to be somewhere & drove around neighborhood to get somebody to leave.

wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote

No more emails. If you want something from me you must approach me slowly and calmly with a piece of apple or carrot in your palm with your fingers flat and extended so I do not bite them

I often message people with the weird idea that they’ll message me back.

Having a personal trainer at the gym is like having that bully in school. They still terrorize you, but now they make you do pistol squats before taking your lunch money.

Marking my last weekend of living single by finishing off these 19 cans of baked beans

It’s funny when a cartoon character drops a piano on someone’s head but when I do it it’s a “crime”??

If it makes any grown women out there feel better, I measured the pockets in my 5 yo’s pants and he can’t fit a phone or wallet in his, either

Here, let me loosen those morals for you.