I’m so tired, I’m thinking of visiting my grandma just so I can take a swig outta her oxygen tank.
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Me: I’d like to return this
Customer Service: this is the missing mop from the janitor’s room
Me: ya it sucks
“Welcome to 9-1-1, Florida. If you’re calling about a matter related to George Zimmerman, please press 2. Otherwise, stay on the line…”
Kids: Mom told us about the elf.
Husband: She did? She told you that…
Kids: He has COVID.
Husband:
Me:
6: And he鈥檚 on a bendilator.
i hate it when my daughter is suddenly nice to me because I know it’s just a first calculated step in impending negotiations
Parenting books don’t prepare you for the moment your seven year old asks for Brussels sprouts in his lunchbox
An underage sweater walks into a bar for the third time.
The bartender says, “I’m gonna need to see your cardigan.”
My wife started clipping coupons to help me save money.
She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.
Just finished leg day with my new trainer and now I need to replace the stairs in my house with an elevator. Or shower in the kitchen sink?
*ties a little bow around insect鈥檚 head, presents lovely gift to Canadian entomologist*
Pretty fly for a white guy.
I will not buy ornamental gourds this year!
I WILL NOT BUY GOURDS!*buys all the gourds (and a hay bale)
They should make a drug that recreates the feeling of having your number called earlier than you expected at the DMV.
My kids slept til 7:30 on the weekend so I gave them ice cream for breakfast and let them ride their bikes in the house.
Someone just told me she鈥檚 been married for 791 days. Is she excited or counting down her sentence?
Almost nailed it! 馃槀馃ぃ
I鈥檓 at my most athletic when I鈥檓 running up stadium stairs to buy another beer.
HR says I鈥檓 not allowed to test the bungy rope I made out of rubber bands on the intern
at my child’s request I’ve been sending carrots to school for the rabbit. Today I asked to stop by the classroom where the rabbit is and discovered that the rabbit is a puppet
Kim Jong Un has upgraded himself from “Leader of North Korea” to “Supreme Leader of North Korea” by adding sour cream and extra cheese.
馃槀馃ゴ
If a lion ever bites off your arm, try to chew some of his hair off before you run away. He deserves to look stupid until it grows back.
Opened the back door and a tiny lizard fell from the sky. It’s either a sign, or the smallest plague ever.
I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I鈥檓 okay, but I feel like I鈥檝e dyed a little inside.
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
The first time I stayed at my girlfriends’ house, her dad wouldn’t let us sleep together.
Shame, he’s very attractive.
Kobe was a legend on the court and just getting started in what would have been just as meaningful a second act. To lose Gianna is even more heartbreaking to us as parents. Michelle and I send love and prayers to Vanessa and the entire Bryant family on an unthinkable day.
carving our initials in a hotdog before it鈥檚 boiled
People with pretty privilege?
You mean the gourgeoisie???
[Jews being led out of Egypt]
Woman: *mumbles* 40 years? He couldn’t just stop & ask directions?
Moses: WHO SAID THAT? NO MANNA FOR YOU!
The new guy at work has been getting a lot of customer complaints lately.
Probably because I wear his name tag when he’s not there.