I’m so tired, I’m thinking of visiting my grandma just so I can take a swig outta her oxygen tank.
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*puts powdered sugar around my nostrils and walks into blind date set up by my mom*
make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.
Random girl: OMG I love your UGG boots
Me: No No… that’s just the way my feet look
My kid keeps saying “When you were alive back in the 1900’s….”
So, my question is can you drop kids off at the fire station in a basket at any age?
take me back to when my son was three, and he sang to me that i was his sunshine, his only sunshine, i made him happy when skies were “grape”
my neighbor is outside hosing off her lampshades and I’m both terrified and intrigued
An accountant who disappears with all his client’s money is a math magician.
Nietzsche: God is dead
God: Nietzsche is dead
[they both turn to camera]
THAT’S RIGHT, WE’RE DEAD SERIOUS ABOUT OUR MATTRESS PRICES
“How do you find anything in here?!”
-my mugger, giving my purse back
Haha, murder? No officer, I just wanted to see what would happen if I planted a human
Damn, this hole is wet
*I say right after stepping into a puddle
I like long, romantic walks away from women that try catching the bouquet at weddings
“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my Sven.” -Kristoff
This January has 47 Mondays
This text from my boss has every element: “Water you doing? Wind did you get to work this morning? Why on Earth did I hire you? You are Fire’d”
I like it when it’s raining, because I can hold my umbrella really low and it makes everyone headless.
Not sure why my doctor prescribed LSD for a case of constipation…until I saw those dragons and totally shit my pants.
Wife: I didn’t buy the shirt because it was too crepey
Me: Creepy?
W: Crepey
M: Crappy?
W: Crepey!
M: Oh, okay…
W: You have no idea, do you?
[garage sale]
ME: can I leave my children as collateral
LADY: you haven’t bought anything
Me driving through Toronto
Just discovered that my 5yo thinks the lyrics are “apple button jeans, boots with the brrr” and then he does a little shiver
Doctor, reaching for a piece of paper: “Are you on any meds?”
Me: “You might want to grab a notebook.”
imagining an 18 year old X Æ A-12 trying to think of an online password but just using his name
The only equipped I am is ill.
pronouncing “vegan” like “began.”
Last year my husband and I both gave each other NyQuil for Christmas. I’m just not sure we are going to be able to top the gift of sleep this year.
It’s always fun when a man catches feels, gets scared, and projects his fear of commitment onto you:
Him: I’m not into love or dating. I like to be free. This was a one time thing, understand?
Me: Cool, can I have my pizza now, or would that be crossing a line
You drop ONE baby and everyone’s all like, “Quit juggling babies Steve. You’re the worst babysitter ever!”
In honor of the birthday of Noriyuki ‘Pat’ Morita, today I shall find a kid getting bullied and teach him Karate by having him fix my car and house.