I’m so tired of all this cheap chicanery! Sir, where do you keep the expensive chicanery?
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Waiting for the Charmin
[Xmas morning]
wife: Honey, is this a dolphin? We agreed no dolphins.
“dolphin-shaped gift flopping wildly under tree*
me: JUST OPEN IT
*gets email*
-Do you want to chat with hot nineteen-year olds in your area?-
*responds*
“Can any of them help me with this iTunes update?”
People telling me “Don’t be stupid” like I have some kinda say in the matter.
[office]
DAVE: We’re having a baby
SUE: Congratulations!
ME: [suspicious that Dave is a seahorse] Looking forward to the birth, Dave?
So I was in a shoe store this morning and was trying on a shoe.
I said to the assistant: “It’s too tight”.
She said: “Try it with the tongue out”,
I said: “It’th nho ghood, it’th thtill thoo thight!”
What did I do to upset the TikTok algorithm and why does it keep showing me cottage cheese recipes?!
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
My cooking show would just be an hour of me looking for Tupperware lids.
how long have you had this for?
Letting your friend have the last mozzarella stick is the ultimate snackrifice
Daughter: Here you go!
Me: You’re my favorite.
Son: Yesterday, you said I was your favorite!
Me: Yesterday, you were closest to the remote.
First of all, I didn’t take it, and second, I already put it back.
Family gonna ask what i brought to thanksgiving this year.. Ima say beef & swing on my cousin
I hope when I get old, my motorized wheelchair is fast enough the catch the ice cream truck.
This ATM has just charged me £2 for a transaction but told me to cover my PIN to prevent from being robbed.
Pretty ironic if you ask me.
If you aggressively tailgate me in traffic, I will get over and let you pass. And then I’m gonna become your new best friend until one of us exits.
The date was going splendidly until my mom called and we argued over my curfew in front of her.
me: woah real life russian dolls
midwife: get out
[first day as a waiter]
customer: excuse me, there’s a fly in my soup??
me: so sorry about that! *drops a spider in the soup* that should take care of it
[on the phone]
HER: are you chillin?
ME: oh im chillin. im chillin like a—[cop walks by & i start sweating]—like a law-abiding citizen
Wow, wife was pissed when she found out I donated her sweater to Goodwill, but not as mad as she would have been if she’d found out I shrunk it in the dryer.
I hate when people ask me HOW I am doing as if I KNOW THE ANSWER?!
My teenage sons are basically the Stormtroopers of urination.
[Dorothy, years after Oz, recounting her adventures to her grandchildren]
DOROTHY: *Smiles warmly* When I was your age, I murdered a woman and stole her shoes.
[gets to heaven, transforms into angel]
God: Here’s your white gown
and— You JUST got here. How did you already spill spaghetti sauce all over yourself?
I ordered one of those Tempura mattresses. Way too crunchy.
*peeking out the curtains, sighing heavily* Honeyyyy we’ve got sexy singles in our area again
*getting the broom*
Shoo! Shoo! Terry, you have to stop leaving hard seltzers on the porch, it attracts them,
Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.