“I’m so tired of being poor and unemployed,” says the TV show character who wears a new designer outfit in every scene
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I love going places just to spend the entire time taking my kids to the bathroom
My girlfriend wanted to swap positions in bed. So I told her I have a headache and went to sleep.
I just checked Web MD and a heart that grows two sizes is called a cardiomegaly and the grinch is pretty fortunate to be alive.
Choose a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life, because you’ll never get that job.
My uncle brought out a range of women’s nightwear that’s so ugly he’s being sued for gross negligées
Batman could have used his wealth to help Gotham’s poor and disenfranchised. But no, we really needed another violent leather fetishist.
i made a craigslist ad !
“Son, you can practice the sex on holes in trees”
“DAD?!”
[next day]
“Where you going with that broom handle?”
“Checkin for squirrels”
I’ve got 99 chores but I ain’t done one. ~Lay-Z
[someone breaks into my house] excuse me, we take our shoes off in this house
Watching Finding Dory & her parents call her “cupcake.” How do they know what that is?
This movie doesn’t seem very realistic, you guys.
AH WONDERFUL I SEE THE JOB APPLICATION HAS CHOSEN TO IGNORE MY BEAUTIFULLY CRAFTED RESUME IN LIEU OF MAKING ME ENTER MY INFORMATION LINE BY LINE ONTO SOME SORT OF WEBSITE FROM THE 1800S
This summer, camp counselors all over the country will shine flashlights under their chins and read the headlines.
End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face
when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out
*Stands at produce aisle
*Grabs GIANT zucchini
*Holds it high in the air
*Yells:
Is THIS cucumber big enough for you, honey?!?!?!
I’m not John Madden, just John Disappointeden.
During childbirth the pain is so great that a woman almost knows what it’s like for a man to have the flu.
[Wrench factory]
BOSS: I’m proud to say it’s been 250 days without an injury!
WORKERS: *celebrate by tossing all the wrenches into the air *
I think I’m going to try to drink a half gallon of water a day for the next month to get a bit healthier, so if anyone knows any single men into water sports lemme know.
No weirdos.
[outside bar]
angry guy: [rips off shirt, puts up fists]
me: [carefully removes jacket & shirt, spends a full minute folding them neatly using the KonMari method]
angry guy: omg this is literally why I wanna hit u
My answer to the question “where would you most like to work?” is the same as to the question “what’s your favourite dog?” Chocolate lab.
Assassins are just murderers who found a way to make money off their favorite hobby.
Social distancing does not mean go chill at your friends house
Nobody ever mentions one of the greatest joys of being a parent is mocking your kids in an annoying voice, repeating what they whined about
I believe it was the great and ancient philosophers who once foretold a most wise and accurate existential statement that transcends all time and space: I fuck around, therefore I find out.
Those a-hole guys on “Teen Mom” don’t think being a dad is “cool.” Well check me out #Responsibility never looked so “swag! ” lol
[at the bar]
Me: Let’s settle this like men
Him: *pulls out knife*
Me: *rips off clothes to reveal racquetball outfit*
“Who let the dogs out” they ask. “No idea” I say. They let me go. As I walk away from the police station my limp slowly disappears.
I think the scariest part about having triplets is having to be pregnant for 27 months.