“I’m so tired of being poor and unemployed,” says the TV show character who wears a new designer outfit in every scene
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Daylight saving? I’m ready for daylight spending
*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall
*adds work phone number
*Gets excited about work today
People on the Internet always trigger my restless-fists syndrome.
me: do you have a blowup mattress?
host: it’s explosive but it hasn’t blown up yet.
me: hahaha
host: hahaha
me: (nervous sweating)
PROSECUTOR: never? Not once in all the time you have lived at the defendant’s house?
MY CAT: I have never been fed, your honor
any time someone tells me to “be better” i always say “show me how” and they get really mad
The girl I’m babysitting doesn’t know that for tonight I’m allowed to let her watch as many Bluey episodes as she wants so she keeps asking for “one more.” And I get to be a benevolent god who gives her another. It’s a real thrill for both of us.
My half brother moved out from living with his parents, and after a couple days, phones my dad and says, “I wasn’t sure if it was too soon to call.”
My dad, “Son, you moved out. We didn’t break up.”
Mechanic: Your car’s got a flat
Me: It’s called a garage
I make eating corn on the cob fun for everybody at the bbq by eating it in rows typewriter style and saying ‘ding’ loudly at the end of each row.
My wife said she enjoys my singing voice so I always sing “We Are The Champions” whenever I win at sex.
one taught me love
one taught me patience
and one taught me pain
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
To the guy who turned the entire first floor of his house into a giant ball pit – I will find you, and I will marry you
Hub: When was your first kiss
Me: July 4th 1978 I kissed Brent under the fireworks
Hub: Didn’t you have a frog named Brent
Me: I hate you
I don’t need anything that a fettuccine Alfredo coma can’t cure.
Good Cop: why is your baby crying
Mom: he just won’t take a nap
Pun Cop: looks like he’s
Good Cop: if u say resisting a rest i swear to god
I’m too fat to be a hipster. I’m thinking of becoming a Heapster instead.
ME: hey guys what’s the herps?
HIM: u mean haps?
M: oh, haha yea. what’s the itch?—I mean sitch
H: uh
M: hows it herpin?
H:
M: I have herpes
A fun thing to do is scream “JENGA!” and yank a ladder out from under somebody.
Cows are vegetarians too, but you won’t hear them bragging about it on Twitter.
Trains should still have a caboose, if you stop to watch it go by you should be rewarded with a good ending
Establish dominance over your cat by suddenly bolting out of the room for no reason.
Birds are weird. Could you imagine if we all woke up at 5 a.m. and just started hollering at each other across the whole neighborhood?
Good thing we got these tiny handheld computers to do our yelling for us, or else we’d look like IDIOTS.
“You should only have to tell them once”
– People with no children
Grabs intercom:
ANYONE WHO WOULD LIKE TO JOIN MY MILITIA, STAY HERE! WE ARE GOING TO OCCUPY THIS OLIVE GARDEN UNTIL I GET MORE BREADSTICKS
and on the 6th day god created coffee so thee would not commit murder or some shit like that. amen.
This Viagra show looks cool but they keep cutting away to football
money maker
