“I’m so tired of being poor and unemployed,” says the TV show character who wears a new designer outfit in every scene
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[funeral]
WIDOW: thank you for coming
ME: are you kidding, I love funerals
My dog really needs to learn how to drive a stick
because what good is fetching one bottle of vodka.
Me: I want you to make me a better person
Frankenstein: you barely touch the one you have now
Lol
My girlfriend’s just had a go at me for not glistening, whatever that is
I DON’T WANT YOUR PITY but I’ll take it.
[very obviously being hit on]
hahaha ok well, see you around[4 days later, cutting open a cantaloupe]
wait a second
Me, noticing that no one responded to my email yet: “Wow, rude.”
Me, noticing that I have an email in the “Scheduled” queue in Gmail: “Oh.”
This is me
I hate it when I have to go pee at someone else’s house but there’s no toilet paper, so I’m forced to use the hand towel hanging so festively above the sink.
Another day of explaining to mom that New York is big and the footage she saw wasn’t shot on my street.
I should get paid a lot more for being the boss of me
Area rug? Forget about it. Give me a perimeter rug instead. Just one strand around the whole room.
One time I was really high and attempted to flush my foot down the toilet. There was no Twitter then, so I’m telling you now.
When someone asks how I feel, I always answer “Squishy and like I’ve done something wrong”
Genie: I shall grant you three wis-
Me: I wish my ex would fall back in love with me
Genie: here’s the thing Jeff, Kate’s with me now…
BFF: do you ever have those weeks where you don’t want to work out, eat what you want and be lazy?
Me: *eating cheesecake with my hands while laying on a lounge chair* nope.
*I open the curtains with a smile, enjoying the gentle breeze on my naked body*
ME: Good morning, world!
CURTAIN STORE MANAGER: Call the police, Karen… He’s back.
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
banks email like “Ummmmm we have a MESSAGE for you. In your INBOX” and then the message is like “Hello we are your bank”
Don’t be silly! A kid’s name doesn’t affect the type of person they become. Now come and hold my sweet baby Lucifer Charles Manson Hitler.
Boss: do you have Twitter?
Me: what’s twitter?
Boss: no seriously
Me: ……
Me: no hablo Inglés
STOP FLIRTING WITH YOUR UNCLE AT YOUR WEDDING WITH YOUR COUSIN #HouseOfTheDragon
Priest: Do you read to your kids from the Good Book?
Me: Every night
Priest: What’s their favorite part?
Me: When Frodo destroys the ring
Some people like pineapple on pizza and some people like pizza on pineapple
Him: Let’s get you out of that dress.
Me: Be careful
Him: Why?
Me: If you tug at my Spanx hard enough, I’ll pop open like a can of biscuits.
ANGEL ON MY SHOULDER: You should do that important but onerous task
DEVIL: No! Ignore it and have fun!
ME: Hm. Okay, compromise: I’ll ignore the task, BUT I also won’t have any fun
ANGEL: That doesn’t–
DEVIL: wtf, dude, no
ME: *scrolls through Twitter for 3 hours*
45% of divorces stem from $ issues.
45% are caused by infidelity.
The remaining 10% have been linked to IKEA purchases requiring assembly.
Writers who become addicted to pseudonyms have to join Anonymous Anonymous.
[takes deep breath, whispers to self]
“Be brave, you got this”Me: The Nacho Everest Platter please
Waiter: Ma’am, that is for 4 people
Me: Sir, I don’t like your tone