@flamingo_poet

I’m so tired of having to think, “What would a normal person do here?”

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@cloudypianos

me: I want to travel to the victorian era & meet a real gentleman [takes time machine back to 1860 England]
man: 31? what are u my grandma?

@ClichedOut

I picked up carry-out and the guy asked if I wanted to leave a tip.

Yeah. Offer delivery.

@ClichedOut

HER: where were u last nite

ME: *turns on airplane mode*

HER: did u just say *turns on airplane mode*???

@behindyourback

*falls down a well*
*Lassie runs to the edge and peers down*
*me, yelling* TELL NO ONE, YOU BLABBERMOUTH DOG, I LIVE HERE NOW

@ArfMeasures

Me: What’s wrong?
Wifi: You’re obsessed with the internet
Me: Give me one example
Wifi: Look how you’ve spelled wife

@wescraw

We should bury everyone upside down so if they come back as zombies they’ll dig the wrong way. It’s called thinking ahead guys.

@Ygrene

Me: *buys item from online retailer*

Online Retailer: WE ARE MARRIED NOW

@mommajessiec

Husband: Why are you always talking to yourself?

Me: Because she agrees with me.

Also me, to me: Is he always like this?

@Carmensadie

I changed my name in my daughters phone to God…just texted her and said “I saw that” You should of seen her face. Priceless