My signature move is not caring which one yours is.
I’m so tired of having to think, “What would a normal person do here?”
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me: I want to travel to the victorian era & meet a real gentleman [takes time machine back to 1860 England]
man: 31? what are u my grandma?
I picked up carry-out and the guy asked if I wanted to leave a tip.
Yeah. Offer delivery.
HER: where were u last nite
ME: *turns on airplane mode*
HER: did u just say *turns on airplane mode*???
*falls down a well*
*Lassie runs to the edge and peers down*
*me, yelling* TELL NO ONE, YOU BLABBERMOUTH DOG, I LIVE HERE NOW
Me: What’s wrong?
Wifi: You’re obsessed with the internet
Me: Give me one example
Wifi: Look how you’ve spelled wife
We should bury everyone upside down so if they come back as zombies they’ll dig the wrong way. It’s called thinking ahead guys.
Me: *buys item from online retailer*
Online Retailer: WE ARE MARRIED NOW
Husband: Why are you always talking to yourself?
Me: Because she agrees with me.
Also me, to me: Is he always like this?
I changed my name in my daughters phone to God…just texted her and said “I saw that” You should of seen her face. Priceless