I’m so tired today. If you pulled up next to me in a car & said, “Get in loser. We’re going to–” I’d already be in the car with my seat belt fastened, fast asleep.
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Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.
Only in Canada during a winter storm will you see kids playing road hockey.
My 6 y/o and I are pretending to be on the show Alone. We each get to pick 10 survival items. My first item is coffee and his is a whoopee cushion. I think we’re ready for the real show.
That time Alicia messaged me
Dads mark their territory by sneezing loudly.
I asked the barista for a dark roast and he told a joke about my dead relative.
melted five butterfingers together and made a butterfist
Roses are red
Violets are blue…
As a lil mental health treat I’ll throw a few beef bullion cubes in my hot tub then sit in it like I’m a slow cooking roast in a crock pot.
Cow werewolves transform during a full moo.
…No, YOU shut up.
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
Canned, not stirred.
[lights pickle]
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
Removing my pants wasn’t what the server meant when she said to make myself comfortable while she got my drink. I understand that now, officer.
son: dad, why didn’t you want to cut the umbilical cord when I was born?
me: [doing jump rope between him and my wife] it’s called planning ahead, son
Me: OK now i need fresh fruit
Grocery app: Here’s melon flavored candy.
Me: No fresh fruit
Grocery app: Got it. Fruit snacks.
Clearly my autocorrect has ship to say
What’s green, has six legs and would kill you if it fell out of a tree?
A billiard table.
Romeo and Juliet is a story about two teenagers who save themselves a lot of trouble by avoiding marriage
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk
Me: *turns on game
Wife: *turns on vacuum
Me: *turns volume to max
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Wife: *runs vacuum slowly in front of television
I’m bisexual, but I don’t currently have a boyfriend or a girlfriend.
You could say I’m on stand-bi.
I didn’t use toothpaste when I was young and naive, because I didn’t want my teeth sticking together. As a much wiser adult, I still don’t want my teeth sticking together.
Cats be like “I know a spot” and proceed to take a nap on the important papers you are working on to meet a deadline.
Me: objection your honour!
Judge : sustained
Me: *takes deep breath* objectionnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn
My son gave me a list of things he’d like in his Easter basket.
This isn’t Christmas, kid. Do you want a chocolate bunny or not?
Friend: oh my god there’s two of you
My evil clone: I’m the real one, I swear
Me: [remembering I promised I’d go out and socialise tonight] yea she’s right
Was just called down to Human Resources.
Apparently replying “Unsubscribe” to every email I get is frowned upon.
[1st bull ever in a china shop]:
I’m sorry for the mess. I hope you can just forget this ever happened.[Shop owner, who is an elephant]: Riiight…
Columbus has to be the worst guy to go to the mat for. The guy took notes the whole time & all of them are like “they were friendly so I killed them” & “note: we should do slavery here” and everyone else’s notes are like “I am trapped on a boat with a murderer”