I’m so tired today. If you pulled up next to me in a car & said, “Get in loser. We’re going to–” I’d already be in the car with my seat belt fastened, fast asleep.
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Girl seeing my torn jeans
Where’d you get those?!
*remembers trying to pee on a hill & stumbling backwards through thorn bushes*
The Gap.
they say you swallow 8 spiders each year, but what they don’t tell you is that it hits harder if you crush and then snort them
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: yes that’s when i didn’t have a job
Cardio? Is that in Spain?
since hollywood has run out of original ideas how about we switch it up with these remakes. let’s see a pixar version of terminator or quentin tarantino’s adaptation of pride and prejudice or lin manuel turn sharknado into a musical
My brother’s so homophobic that if he dropped his keys in San Francisco he’d kick them to Oakland before bending over to pick them up.
The claw machine proves that it only costs $1 to get mad
If you ever wanted to watch another human take 20 minutes to eat 1 slice of bread because all of a sudden they were soo hungry, then kid bedtime™️ might be right for you
just got an email from HR that there will be no winners for the quarterly employee appreciation award because everyone who was nominated in the last three months has quit
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paddle faster i hear baby shark
Breaking news:
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Ironic
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How could I possibly be dehydrated? I drank a bottle of wine just last night
Me: I think I saw a murder.
Policeman: Are you positive?
Me: I assume people act with the best intentions and I believe a better future is ours to make.
Policeman: About the murder.
Me: Not really. No.
“You promise you didn’t get me bees again”
[me from a distance] just open it
The car’s navigation system warned me of a pothole and then asked if it was still there. Not only is it still there, it has friends.
[Date]
ME: I hope you like your wine dry
HER: But of cour- umm that’s just a glass of raisins
ME: *mouth full of raisins* it’s weally dwy
The only lyrics I can make out in the song “Informer” are “Hey farrrrmer…something….a leaky boom boom cow”.
Not 100% sure though.
I’m just a girl, standing in a public restroom, begging someone, anyone, to install better ventilation
Microsoft Developer: We’ll call it “Excel!”
Manager: Great! What will it do?
Developer: The opposite of that.
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to xmen]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
“the blood moon rises once again” [the dishes i washed yesterday respawn in my sink]
Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.
(friends getting chinese noodles without you)
that’s pretty lo, mein
The photographer’s assistant
When I find someone else’s grocery list in a shopping cart I use it….see where it takes me.
My mum just messaged to say that yesterday she turned off her 20 year old PC, ‘at the wall’, without shutting it down properly. ‘That couldn’t have caused anything, could it?’ 😂
‘Probably’.
i’ve purchased a pair of men’s shorts and i discovered that not only do they have incredible pockets sometimes there are other secret pockets inside the regular pockets and lord am i furious
[Back at her place]
Date: talk dirty to me
Me: uhh…dust is basically just flakes of dead skin
Date: Eww, wtf?
Me: I mean… uh, limescale can shorten the life your kettle