Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Imagine having a baby that didn’t photograph well for Instagram. What a waste.

It’s all fun and games until you accidentally stab a space monk

Changed the office dress code from formal to smart-casual. Staff thought it’s because I want to be a hip, cool boss & make people feel more comfy. That’s not the reason. The reason is that we recently had our eleventh male employee getting his tie trapped in the shredder.

CHRISTMAS INSTRUCTIONS:

1) Buy presents.

2) Pretend you could afford it

3) Pray the apocalypse arrives before your credit card bill does.

Me: I’m gonna get you dressed.

3yo: cool I’m gonna make it as hard as possible for you to do so.

Me: cool.

3yo: cool.

[long ago]
A: Ok, so let’s mush a tree to pulp and then make flat thingies out of it.
B: Great idea. Write that down.
A: Where?

The cupcakes I started baking in my Easy Bake Oven in 1978 are ready.
Anybody want one?

**Blood-curdling scream**
Dinner’s ready.

I used my husband’s shoes to check the mail and was immediately compelled to ask the neighbor kids why they trust the trees since they’re so shady

when someone messages me a minute after i login to work

when someone is trying to explain crypto to me for the third time and i’m trying to imagine their death in the most super-creative way possible

[opens jar of olives and pours them in my garden]
“Now grow to be a restaurant”

Nothing judges you harder than a cat staring at you.

I successfully avoided the red-eye flight and got the much milder pink eye flight.

Imagine my surprise at the school Thanksgiving “costume” party, when I showed up as Poison Ivy and everyone else was dressed as pilgrims.

my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?

st. peter: that’s right

me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say

BANK TELLER: you’re an awful robber

ME: i’m not sure how to take that

BANK TELLER: exactly

Judas: I can’t wait for you to die
Jesus: what
Judas: Easter eggs, can’t wait for you to dye Easter eggs
Jesus: what eggs?

A parakeet that won’t shut up equals dinner for fluffy tonight.

Sure, a cooking robot was a great idea til he became sentient & burned your house down cause you didn’t fully appreciate his chicken Vesuvio

People:

I’m leaving Twitter, no telling when I’m coming ba…

I’m back.

Almost done with my screenplay about the end of the world, and only cats survive.

I call it “Apocalypse Meow”.

He asked me to use smaller words, so I pat him on the head as I said “bye-bye”.

A fun thing about having kids is how they ask for help with their homework.

On the way to school.

Hillary: if we aren’t careful donald trump could be our next president. Let that sink in
Clinton Aide: *opens door*
Sink: sorry i’m late

Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.

I may not have any friends but at least I know my cat will never ask me to help him move

It’s funny how all those “best places in the world” lists always forget to include the Internet.

[pitch meeting]
Okay so it’s a ton of dogs. Dalmatians. 100 of ’em. I call it “100 Dalmatians.”
[idea man pipes in]
Let’s think bigger

“A beast, you say. Have you tried stabbing it? I see. And your knives, are they steely? Hm. I’ll send someone up right away, sir.”