I’m so unpopular at school they call me “Batteries”.
I’m never included in anything.
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“Behold, a 3 headed cat” “um, its just 3 cats taped together” “Behold, a 12 legg…*tape rips, one cat runs away*..errr 8 legged cat.”
Eels, the slap bracelets of the sea.
Everybody gangsta til they have diarrhea and a broken zipper
Pretty annoying when someone unfollows me before I can conduct their exit interview.
Yes liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.
My 9-year-old said I looked tired today and apparently becoming my mother has skipped a generation.
I love rotting in bed. My vision board is just a picture of the grandparents in Willy Wonka
*Food hits floor*
Little Germs: “Let’s get it!”
King Germ: “No!!! We must wait 5 seconds……”
The red haired guy in the bakery
doesn’t like being called…
‘The Ginger Bread Man’*lesson learned
i like how at the end of old movies it says ‘the end’ so you arent horrorstruck by the thought of a fictional universe persisting unobserved
[interview at Bass Pro Shops]
So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: *dressed in camouflage* Wait, you can see me?!
Is my bath bomb supposed to be ticking?
Average age of billionaires: 65
Average age of billionaires in books: 35
So many people say they love their Roomba, but you never see them set it free.
[checks Facebook & sees my 4th grade girlfriend has liked my hot chocolate recipe share]
ME: I knew she’d come crawling back to me one day
Absolute genius if you ask me 👌🤣
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It was that very moment when we realized our shared love for multipurpose utensils brought us together & that’s when the sporks flew.
HER: Let’s do some role playing
ME: Okay, be ur sister
HER: I was thinking a sexy profession..
ME: Oh okay. What’s ur sister do for work?
I am always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank.
A fun thing to do on a first date is wear a wedding dress
The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.”
I whispered back, “bring pizza”
Nothing is more confusing than a perfume commercial.
Laundry needs to be put away.
I look at the basket.
The basket looks at me.
Old western shoot our music looms in the background.
My husband gave me a break by doing the grocery shopping, but he didn’t take the kids with him so, I don’t think he knows how breaks work.
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
I wonder how many people have moved to Carlsbad, CA just to spite someone named Carl
My kids forgot the name of the game Marco Polo so they are currently playing Mario Luigi at the pool.
911: 911
Me: I’m being chased
911: in your car?
Me: no in theirs
911: wh—
Me: how do I turn the sirens on?
People use the term lab rat pejoratively even though there is probably no finer life than one dedicated to solving puzzles and eating cheeses.