I’m so used to sleeping on my right side that if I switch to my left, my insides feel like a room full of furniture trying to violently escape a haunted house.
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My 3yo nephew asked if he could marry me. I told him no because I already have a boyfriend. He thought for a bit and said, “But I have a scooter.” ❤️
Shall i compare thee to a summers day? For thou maketh me sweaty and bloody irritable
Yes, this is exactly right
I can only assume that when realtors list a “modest home,” that means it is a house that has never once worn leggings or yoga pants
😂😂😂
Me: “A handful of goldfish makes a great snack.”
Her: “Those crackers are too salty for me.”
Me (with fish breath): “What crackers?”
Naps are like gambling for the tired. You either wake up refreshed or wake up the next day to lots of angry texts.
I very much doubt that actual military commandos go into battle without underwear on.
Spider 1: hey man, your fly’s down
Spider 2: yeah, the little fella’s been like that since I ate his brother
I’m sick of teeth being so high maintenance. Cleaning? Day AND night?? Or you fall out? You don’t see the other bones acting this way. Seriously, grow up.
Me: “Jesus, please make me a better person…”
Jesus: *deletes my account*
Me: “NOT LIKE THAT!”
I told my family we’re gonna axe some of our 5 streaming services, and my teens looked at me like I was some kind of murderer.
Avengers Endgame and the Battle of Winterfell coming out the same weekend is like when your history teacher and your English teacher both assigned papers due the same day except instead of homework it’s emotional labor
Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.
Him: I just had sex with that woman!
Me: She’s 60.
Him: I know.
Me: I Hope you used protection or you might have caught osteoporosis.
ME: I like a girl with a bit of ink
OCTOPUS: Oh hey
Sometimes you just gotta be happy the kid is vacuuming her own room and overlook the fact that she’s making figure 8s
How all things should be taught/explained.
I highly recommend anything.
– Stoners.
My daughter has created a new game show where she puts her shoes all over the house and then asks us where they are
Autocorrect just changed “have a prosperous 2025” to “have a preposterous 2025” and I feel that’s much more likely.
If a cop is arresting you, just play the national anthem, he’ll be forced to stand still for the whole thing while you get away
first date idea we walk around a graveyard and guess how people died
So uh… what level of jumaji are we on today?
Welcome to Twitter, someone with cat ears & whiskers will be along shortly to explain why you’re wrong.
If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name
*sees money in my bank account*
oh crap i must have forgotten a bill
Me: We’re ordering pizza.
8-year-old: This is the best day of my life!
Me: We order pizza every week.
8: I have lots of best days.
Guy at the Acme Corporation: Ah, some dog in Arizona wants to buy a rocket launcher. I’ll send him a really shitty one