I’m so used to sleeping on my right side that if I switch to my left, my insides feel like a room full of furniture trying to violently escape a haunted house.
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This morning I packed nothing but a kale salad for lunch and now 1pm me wants to punch 7am me in the face.
Just had to take a urine sample to my GP and at reception they asked me “does the doctor know about this already”. No, no. I just brought a cup of my wee as a present. Please don’t spoil the surprise.
Due to circumstances beyond my control… I am at work
3 years ago I trained 6 days a week & ran a 5K. Now I run my mouth 6 days a week telling the pizza delivery guy how I ran a 5K 3 years ago.
MUGGER: Give me your money
ME: Stay back, I have mice
MUGGER: lol I think you mean mace
*I’ve already thrown a mouse at him*
Anyone ever notice how the word “opinion” looks like “onion”, and how if you cut into either, people start crying?
Our youngest son graduated with a bachelor’s degree in English. We bought him a car because we’re proud of him. And because he’ll probably have to live in it.
a lot of people are really funny but they’re not comedians and a lot of comedians are really funny but they’re not people
Instagram’s down? What am I supposed to do with my cat? Stroke it?
Kid 1: I’m bored
Kid 2: me too
Kid 3: our parents gave us horrible names
I have a great dad who consistently loved me, taught me and supported me.
That jerk robbed me of a lot of angry tweet material.
Little does the bus driver know, that “I love you” I shout after my kids every morning is for him too.
He may not be a 10 but he covers his food when he puts it in the microwave
Me: *wolf whistles*
Some creepy guy with a mustache is running on the treadmill next to me at the gym…never mind, it’s a mirror.
[job interview]
“any public speaking experience?”
not since the valedictorian speech in high school
“very impressive”
I yelled ‘YOU SUCK’
your childhood ends the moment you learn it’s not called “duck tape”
Always get worried when I see a “thieves operate here” sign. Who is letting thieves do surgery?
Dearest Emma,
The COVID battle’s intensified. I helped an old lady load groceries. I put all the heavy items into her car.
Then I lost myself, Emma. I stole her toilet paper. It was 3 ply Quilted Northern, the kind with aloe. The lavender scent reminded me of you.
War is hell.
Pete Davidson probably just knows how to load the dishwasher properly
It’s not a real Sylvester Stallone movie unless there’s ten minutes of dialogue in the beginning, five minutes at the end, and less than three sentences throughout the rest of the film.
When ur friends with white people
Prince Charming: yes she left her shoe now I can find her!
Friend: uh you can find her by recognising her face
Prince Charming:
Friend:
Prince Charming: she left her shoe
In my defense, I didn’t realize it was a funeral procession when I started flipping people off for going so slow.
Dolls on drugs
I’m going to bed and my hair looks amazing; I feel like the woman in every mattress commercial.
[first date]
HER: I really like you
ME: I like you too
HER: So did you bring protection?
ME: *gesturing to my bodyguard* Yeah, this is Tony
I pulled a muscle turning over in bed. Cause that’s how I roll.
Just one more chapter! (via @someecards)
I wouldn’t want lesbian parents. Not because I’m homophobic. I just don’t want to get stuck in an endless loop of “Go ask your mother.”
Him: I’ve never had any broken bones
Me: *remembers his profile said he loves trying new things* Noted