i’m so vulnerable to nostalgia. the sun will go down and i’ll be like “wow…..remember when the sun was up……..i miss who i was then”
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Guys named Hugh are 75% ugh
The remote isn’t working! And the TV’s stuck on Food Network again!
“Are you in the kitchen?”
Yes.
“Honey, that’s the microwave.”
Two crows fall in love, move in together, start a family.
The perfect murder.
if a bear charges at you, don’t play dead. play nintendo, maybe the bear will join you and you’ll become best friends
ME: *reading a tweet* What does fr mean?
WIFE: For real
ME: Yes Sharon. I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t want to know.
“Tim’s coming tonight”
“Tim with hooves for feet or Tim that likes to bang coconut halves together?”
[in the distance] clip-clop clip-clop
14: How do you feel about people of color?
Me: What do you mean? The same I feel about everyone.
17: But you hate everyone.
14: Wow. Just flat out being racist at the dinner table.
Me: Please shut up.
Eucalyptus are the only plants named after what they would say if pruned
wife *sees chair* [thinking] That would look great with the new rug in the living room
me *sees chair* [thinking] Chair
I hate that teeth require so much specific care, the rest of my bones are so low maintenance
What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, is a crock of shit. If you get pregnant, pick up an STD, or contract covid, that shit will follow you everywhere.
The older I get, the more I relate to those angry elderly people who go around biting others.
Him: drink?
Me: I have a boyfriend
Him: I have a goldfish
Me: What???
Him: I thought we were talking about shit that don’t matter
Bartender: Hey! What’s new?
Me: Well, my girlfriend’s pregnant.
B: Congratulations!
M: Yeah.
B: What’s wrong?
M: My wife is SUPER pissed.
Getting up early would be easier if we could keep our eyes closed.
9 out of 10 people agreed this meeting could’ve been a group nap.
The 10th one banned me from asking questions at future meetings.
When I recently asked a 9 year-old about his experience with the tooth fairy, he explained that there is no tooth fairy, and:
‘Your parents take the tooth out from under your pillow, and god knows what they do with it.’
It’s so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself
to women.
Daughter:What’s a whore?
Me:Not now.
Daughter I’ll ask my aunt.
Me:You’re getting warm.
Daughter:Mom will know.
Me: You’re on fire!
BRUTUS: hail Caesar *draws knife*
CEASAR: not this time *hands Brutus an Uno “reverse” card*
B: SHIT
ROMAN SENATE:*stabs Brutus to death*
Who called it ‘my foot’s asleep’ and not ‘comatoes’
I could easily defuse any bomb as long as the bomb squad guy told me what to do through the headset
*moves $124 to an offshore bank account*
I just hid a big bag of Easter peanut butter cups in the back of the freezer. In July I’ll find them and be very pleased then convinced I have dementia.
I need a new maid, because the current one sucks. Also, she’s me.
“OMG, it’s so big!”
(Your ego)
[signing birth certificate]
wife: you put Owen, right?
me: yup
nurse: Now we’ll just need a footprint from little [reading] “Owned”
You called me “muffin”….did you mean blueberry or chocolate chip?
You’re erasing syllables to make the word shorter. I’m adding syllables to make the word longer. We are not the samerino
me: I got fired from the play, they hated my set design
wife: did you make a scene?
me: *crying* several