i’m so vulnerable to nostalgia. the sun will go down and i’ll be like “wow…..remember when the sun was up……..i miss who i was then”
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It’s weird they report fantasy football during Sports Center. That’s like the local news telling us how your SimCity is doing.
Me: (watching MST3K) What do you mean you don’t like it?! If you were trapped in deep space with just two robot friends, what would YOU do?
Her: That’s not important.
What do you get when you cross a centipede with a parrot?
A walkie-talkie.
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
I do my deepest thinking when I can’t figure out why someone honked at me.
Since I started making yachts in my shed, sails have gone through the roof
Petition to change the term “Twitter Crush” to Tweetheart.
me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana
Apparently the guy next to me and I aren’t even going to discuss who uses this armrest.
The legends were true
No One Puts Baby in the Corner: A Feng Shui Guide to Nurseries
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
I’m such a bad ass chef that I hear music every time I cook… Hubby calls it the “smoke alarm” but whatever…I think he’s just jealous.
Hello. My name is Ellie & I just got off the bus while listening to King Of Rock & Roll by Prefab Sprout & accidentally said “hot dog” instead of “thank you” to the driver. I must now leave this planet & never return. Farewell.
I yell “COVER ME!” at my family everyday when I go to the mailbox.
I hate that teeth require so much specific care, the rest of my bones are so low maintenance
[BOOPS nose]
COP: Sir, I’m gonna need you to touch your finger to the tip of YOUR nose.
Everyone says they want a fairytale wedding. But when I show up and curse their firstborn, suddenly I’m the jerk…
I have decided to switch to a spite-based diet
Funny how our parents used to tell us not to talk to strangers online but now that’s the only way to make friends at school
“[I] broke up with him because I was sick of justifying his trench coat to my friends” – Overheard on the bus
TSA agent: Did you leave your baggage unattended?
Me: *Thinks about crushing weight of all previous life experiences* Nope got it all here with me
Opening up a food truck that sells six different styles of hot dogs and one hamburger and naming it “they can’t all be wieners”
Me, a pilot:
“Folks, we’re about to head into some turbulence as I just discovered my co-pilot is dating my ex. Fasten your seatbelts”
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was attempting to take off my sports bra.
$19.99 because $20 is an outrageous amount of money!
If you’re telling a story to a group and are interrupted and then no one asks you to continue, ruin their party by drowning in the pool.
I love when a pig looks like a disguised quest giving god
If they could just figure out how to put fluoride in beef jerky I wouldn’t have to brush my teeth ever again.
White people only love Cinco de Mayo because it has mayo in it
*middle of the gang rumble
Me: Time out, TIME OUT! My mom’s calling, everyone be quiet for a second