Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wow your rib cage and hip bones look stunning !!!

Said No Man Ever

[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor

The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.

I keep having this dream where an old, floating man with a giant, white beard is commanding me to build a giant hazmat suit, big enough to contain my entire family and two of every animal of the world. Wierd, I know!

Why do some wine bottles wear fishnet tights?

me: i can handle my alcohol

5 shots later: *in the shower on all 4s pretending i’m a bear catching fish

They should just put something in the water so we all sleep for 14 days.

It would be way faster and I could use a two week nap. I swear to god I should just be in charge of everything.

When you’re on the third Zoom meeting of the day and decide you’re just gonna go ahead and eat your lunch and people can just deal with it.

In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.

Doctor *as I wake up after an accident* I’m afraid your body’s in a terrible condition

Me: oh no

Doctor: and then you were in an accident

Tornadoes and marriage are alike, because they both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.

Every time my phone rings tomorrow I’m going to answer it with “911, what’s your emergency?”

ah, mercury’s going retrograde, that explains why i accidentally squandered my entire youth

Co-Worker: You say apparently a lot.
Me: Yes, I know.
CW: It really bothers me.
M: Apparently so.
CW: You don’t care.
M: Apparently not.

[Date rolls over in bed & gasps in horror]
Me: [In nothing, with pantyhose over my head] Did you know the average person swallows 8 spiders a year in their sleep?

When I was a kid, I had to walk uphill both ways in the snow just to change the TV channel.

Just watched a guy in a shirt that read “Jedi I am” trip on a curb and fall.

Jedi you are not sir

Nothing in a household is said more lovingly than, “Can you bring me some toilet paper?”

I never over sleep in the mornings

I set an alarm, a back up alarm, and a 4yo once those fail

Reasons he didn’t text you:
– He forgot.
– He fell asleep.
– His phone died.
– His pet died.
– His GF died.
– He died.
– He thinks you died.

I really hate when people derail normal tweets with their own upsetting lore. You’ll be like “it’s great when grandparents are active in kids’ lives” and someone is like “well ok but my grandmother literally went to jail for killing my parents and is currently on the loose??”

Show yourself some self-love.

No. Not in public.

if dolly were in the holy bible she’d be in charge of parton the red seas.

I’ve finally reached the age where no one asks me to help them move.

how terrible do you think Maria von Trapp’s life had to be that she included “doorbells” on her list of favorite things

The best letter to the editor in today’s @TB_Times.

If you see a baby locked in a car break the window and put another baby in there, he’s probably lonely.

[ouija board]

How are you feeling?

*board begins spelling*
O-O-E-Y–G-O-O-E-Y

What the!? A cheesy board!?

G-O-U-D-A–G-U-E-S-S

*watching tv

Me: “Don’t just stand there, idiot! Run! Escape while there’s still time! God, I can’t watch”

Wife: (turns off wedding video)

same bro