Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My toxic trait is opening a message, then replying 10 years later when you’ve forgotten who I am

“why are you being so quiet?” bc I wasn’t listening the first half of the conversation and now I have no idea wtf is going on

8yo played some songs for me on the recorder, and I clapped enthusiastically when she was done, but then she glared at me because it was just the intermission and all I’m saying is thank god this venue has wine.

Headline: “Female-named hurricanes kill more than male hurricanes because people don’t respect them, study finds”.
AKA, “My eye is up here”.

Pro tip…Excessive use of alcohol can cause memory loss or worse memory loss.

The lady next to me on this plane thinks I’m in her seat, she keeps asking what my ticket says.

Looks like we have a big problem, cause my ticket doesn’t talk.

The last time I was this drunk and covered in glitter, it had nothing to do with Christmas.

bf took me to get undies n he wanted to embarrass me so he said real loud: “i can’t wait to rip these off with my teeth” n i replied with: “seriously u need to stop, ur my brother”

i won

“A Bunch of Stuff I Remembered and Then Compiled into a Narratively Cohesive Yet Inconsistently Compelling Tome: A Memoir”

i put my exercise bike together, no spare parts, i am absolutely drunk on testosterone, i’ll never need another map.

Why did they call it Social Anxiety and not Hey Fever

[standing at the threshold like a vampire] my sock has a hole in it

How often do I make chemistry jokes? Periodically.

I actually told one the other day. There was no reaction…

me: you guys sell gift cards?

funeral parlor director: what?

Back in my day, it was a game of dodge ball where you found out who didn’t like you.

I asked my niece if she had a newspaper.

She told me newspapers are old school.

She said everyone uses tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.

That fly never stood a chance.

Judge: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
Defendant: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
J: Stop that.
D: Stop that.

– repeat offenders

A guy at work spent the morning with his fly down.

We won’t mention names because that won’t solve anything and I already feel stupid enough.

*gets ghosted*
Me: awesome, thanks for the 14-day free trial

1st Date
Me: Just warning you. I get freaky.
Her: Oh yeah? How freaky.?
Me:*thinking of using pizza rolls as a pizza topping* So freaky.

Walked in for bread, walked out with 6 bottles of wine. Now we’re having communion for dinner.

My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.

Got paired with a classmate for a Criminal law Project, so I guess now we’re partners in crime.

I hate it when people humble brag about where they went to college. I have this friend who went to Harvard and she just won’t shut up about it. She’s always been like that, even when we were in college together.

Waking up has backfired on me so many times

Just heard a young parent say “Brantley is a demon child.” Well, you’re the one who named him Brantley. Maybe take a hard look in the mirror, Judith.

Imagine me naked.

Wrong. Fatter.

Me: Please finish your drink

4: Don’t say it like that!

Me: Please consume the entirety of the liquid in the receptacle in front of you

4: Okay

Date: I like old fashioned guys

Me: I have polio