I’m soirée for my mispronunciation of French words.
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Why did they call it melatonin and not restosterone?
Her: You must think our relationship is some sort of game.
Me: Nope. Games are fun.
*weather drops 2 degrees*
me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas
“You do you” is the nicest way to call someone an idiot.
doctor: i’m afraid you’re dying of asbestos poisoning.
me: 🙁
doctor: but we’ll treat you asbestos we can.
me: 😂
How am I supposed to be professional when something at work is called a dongle?
Cauliflower crust is the answer to the question pizza never asked.
watching seinfeld on netflix, recalling the time in india when a seinfeld episode came on my host family’s tv and i said “ooh everyone watch this, this is my culture” and it was the one where george’s fiancee dies from licking all the wedding envelopes and they were horrified
Looking back at all the successes & failures in my life, I can’t help but be proud that at least the potty training thing stuck.
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Court clerk: Are you here about your hearing?
Me: No my hearing’s fine, I think it’s that murder I did
Pooh on Cold Callers:
These are very kind people who call you to ask if you’ve been injured at work. They are so thoughtful they ring several times a day just to make sure you’re all right. I keep telling them I don’t know what work is but they still keep calling me anyway…
Jewish friend asked me a very funny legal question: “Can you break your Ramadan fast during the eclipse since technically it gets dark?” I had to hand it to him, I didn’t think of that 😂😎🌞🌆
Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.
Embattled politicians resign saying they want to spend more time with their families.
Do their families get a say in this?
Very sad to hear about Donald Trump. Nothing happened to him I’m just sad to hear about him
Therapist: Ok so what brings you both here?
Me: Well apparently I make her life a “living hell”
My guardian angel: *sobbing uncontrollably*
Me: I think I need a life coach who lives with me
Her: like a mom
Me: haha exactly, and—
Waiter: [whispering] sir the ring is sinking into the chili
“Where have you been all my life?”
In a secure psychiatric unit. Next question.
People are so fake how can you love your newborn baby when you met it like 2 minutes ago and don’t know anything about it
[skydiving with my dog]
Me: ur ears r inside out
My dog: can’t hear u my ears r inside out
Me: it’s the wind
My dog: I think it’s the wind
Me: “Where are you headed?”
Daughter: “A sorority thing.”
Me: “Okay, have fun with the new friends I bought you.”
Daughter: “You’re savage.”
Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 😩
Me: What’d you do this weekend?
Her: I got a henna tattoo.
Me: (picturing a chicken with body art) Like for her birthday or something?
the weirdest thing that happened to me this month was when i got sent a counterfeit pizza hut coupon
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Son: DAD! There’s a mobster under my bed!
Me: Aaw, cute. You mean monster?
Son: No
[from under the bed] “Whatcha gonna do ’bout it big guy?”
Therapist: Why did you bring a lawyer to a therapy session?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
I use a wheelchair. I love it when people ask me if I know one of their friends in a wheelchair, like we’re all in a secret wheelchair club.
when people say I swear too much I’m like “well in my defense I read the news”