I’m soirée for my mispronunciation of French words.
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It’s always funny when the flight attendant says “we know you have a choice of airlines” as if free will exists.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” -Twins looking at some family photos
Cop: Ma’am, Are you intoxicated?
Me: Are YOU intoxicated!
Cop: No
Me: Prove it!
Cop: *puts handcuffs on me*
Me: I like where this is going.
I don’t do drugs. I take drugs. My brain does the drugs. Follow me? Me either -because drugs
The walls in my panic room are painted beige so I’m panicking but bored about it.
The 4 stage of life:
1. You believe in Santa Claus
2. You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3. You are Santa Clause
4. You look like Santa Claus
FRIEND: Nice old house. Is it haunted?
ME: Yup.
FRIEND: Really? By who?
WIFE: [from kitchen] YOU LOADED THE DISHWASHER WRONG.
ME: The ghost of my mother.
Wife: It’s fine
*Miles away an old sea captain* My knee is a tingling. Aye a storm is headed this way
My dog wants to register me as her emotional support animal. She’s already called the vet for the required paperwork and ordered me a vest.
Huh, this is a first
Never had an ambulance follow me to the gym before
They must know
Not to brag but I already took down the Easter Tree
[12 hours without eating]
Maybe Hannibal Lecter was just really hungry
1) Worms have no bones.
2) Gummi worms are made of gelatin.
3) Gelatin is often made of bones.
4) Gummi worms have more bones than real worms.
[holding a baby]
me: uh so how long have you been a baby?
Personal trainer: you must learn to listen to your body
My body: lifting weights is difficult, go play video games and eat ice cream
My uncle was famous for being really quick with a shovel. You probably don’t know him though. He was only a miner celebrity.
Home is where the h…ell did I put my car keys?
How do you say “bra” in German? Stopsemfromfloppin
When you stub your toe but there are kids around.
I need a Waze app, but for my walks. Instead of “vehicle on shoulder ahead” it says “person on trail ahead” so I can detour to avoid any human interaction.
no offense but it feels like the “cicadas that come out every 17 years” happen every single summer…
*at funeral*
Thank you all for coming. As you already know, my dignity has left us.
I tripped in front of all my coworkers. It was tragic.
My single friends are always talking about clubbing and being hit on. Today’s social scene sounds so violent.
A friend is in jail and I can’t help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.
Trainer: Diet to hit your goal weight.
Me: Then what?
Trainer: Diet forever to maintain it.
Me: *heading to Pizza Hut* Nvm.
[after sex]
ME: that was…magnificently stupefying
HER: please put the thesaurus down
*breaks into museum*
*sprays fine mist to show alarm lasers*
*plays a sweet jam on boombox*
*krumps right into each beam*
My daughter just came up to me in a ski mask and said “give me all your money!”
Then she turned around and said “you look broke, I’ll try another house” as she promptly walked away.
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.