Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kid just sneezed in my face and laughed.

Snots fired.

I often walk through a little park where people walk their dogs. Yesterday I saw somebody walking their tortoise. The funny thing is LA dogs are so small I’m pretty sure that reptile could win in a fight.

I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is.

She’s not dead, just very condescending.

I asked my imaginary friend if I was emotionally stable, and she said yes, so…

I don’t know if this would be classified as “unethical” but I have filled my neighbour’s eavestroughs with birdseed.

Announcer: Has bath time gotten boring? Try Bathtub Weasel! Simply peel open the package and drop the angry weasel into the water!

Bathing woman: It’s so easy! *Splash!* *Horrified screaming*

Announcer: That’s Bathtub Weasel, from the makers of Baby Monitor Lizard! Order now!

Monday, why can’t you be more like Tuesday and have tacos

All. The. Damn. Time.

“It’s not you, it’s meat” – vegan break up

If evolution isn’t real, then why are my hands the perfect size and shape for carrying Starbucks cups?

My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.

I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.

It’s better to have loved and won than to have loved and lost. I don’t know why they never mention that.

Forever in awe of dads who eat at buffets like they have a personal vendetta against the owners. They’re out there trying to bankrupt those guys by getting 14 plates of orange chicken

just saw Gravity. excuse me while I go hug the earth.

*alien tries to burst through chest
*years of fried foods have made my stomach walls unbreakable

Me: HAHA!

Alien: Laugh it up, now I have to go out the other way

Me:

My fight or flight response has frequent flyer miles.

There’s no such thing as bad press.

Johnson & Johnson: Hold my Beer!

I’m preparing for Halloween early by pretending not to be home every time someone knocks the door.

Saw a sign that read “Free Coupons”.

What I want to know is what kind of terrorist would hold coupons captive in the first place?

how come some families are all, like, “we’re direct descendants of many important historical figures,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle cletus.”

Me: dude I don’t need this sort of negativity in my life right now

Bear attacking me: [bear noises]

My daughter was ‘graded’ 7/10 and 14/10 in her homework (just to color some objects) last week and 2weeks ago so I wrote in her correspondence book that 14/10 was an error.

School replied “Tara’s Mum, those were dates. We do not grade toddlers.”

I am embarrassed for myself.

I just saw a tiktok of Meghan Trainor putting tomato sauce, mozzarella, and pepperoni on a RICE CAKE and called it pizza. Nary a drop of Italian blood in my body but I am not ashamed to admit that I wept.

My daughter went back to college today and I texted her that I missed her so much and she texted back 2.5 hours later, “Yes.” Then, “Sorry, that wasn’t for you.”

I WAS IN LABOR FOR 14 HOURS

Half the people who follow me are waiting for the nervous breakdown; the other half follow because they’re easily impressed by semicolons.

Me: You can be anything you want when you grow up

Son: I want to be a dinosaur

Me: I meant like a job. Like you could be president.

Son: I want to be the first dinosaur president

Cat: Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk… [ *Coughs up hairball* ]

Dog: You gonna eat that?

Oh, you love me? Name three of my recent emotional breakdowns

[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]

SORRY FOR MY POOR VOLUME CONTROL REGULATION BUT THIS IS A GOOD CUDDLE