I’m soirée for my mispronunciation of French words.
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Today I accidentally dropped my sunglasses into the toilet and flushed them. Tomorrow a very cool alligator will rule the sewers.
Some people come into your life for a reason.
Like for target practice.
One day when my teenager was upset I said “It is what it is,” and now he says it to me every time I’m upset and, oh wow, it does not feel good
Fellas, don’t feel like you can’t offer your wife cooking tips, even after she spends all day making a delicious home cooked meal. And it doesn’t hurt to throw in “That’s not how my mom used to do it”.
Why have I gained weight? I don’t get it. Is it the extra butter on the bread? The extra ham on the butter? The extra cheese on the ham? The extra mayo on the cheese? What?
A friend wants us to do something tonight and I asked her to name 5 things so I could say no to 4 of them.
Hypnotist: you’re getting very sleepy
Me, at any hour of the day: how did you know?
Me: was I born with a mental disorder?
Mom: did you iron a shirt while wearing it again
Me: NO
Mom: ?
Me: I thought pants would be different
I was born in the wrong time period. I wasn’t meant to go to work every day. I was meant to get eaten by a predator
You want real 2020 energy? I went to the woods to avoid COVID and now helicopters are flying over my cabin because a killer is on the loose
Worst day ever. Accidentally touched a Magic Eraser and now I’m a muggle.
[first day as hostage negotiater]
me: [taking the phone] yyyyyelllo
[loud explosion from inside the bank]
what is joe biden’s plan to make everything bagels less messy to eat
coworker: you should try my therapist.
me: i’ve seen their work. no thanks.
$120 for a tire rotation? trust me they rotate. buddy how do you think i got here
I got 99 socks but a pair ain’t one
[my funeral]
PRIEST: we are here for Robert-
*one guy in the back of the room boos*
Soundgarden: Black hole sun, won’t you come and wash away the rain
Neil deGrasse Tyson: Literally nothing about that is right
Ice cream employee: I didn’t know you had kids! You always come in by yourself.
Kids: WHAT?! MOM!It’s like she didn’t want a tip.
Parents: When you finish the chores will you please look for a job.
Me: [painting the cat’s claws] Still a lot to do unfortunately.
Saw a used kettle I liked on eBay. It said “needs filter”, but I thought the picture of it was fine as is.
The bathroom stall at a place like Costco really has no business being out of toilet paper.
[a gorilla is using sign language to try to tell me something]
Me [eating a banana]: I’m sorry I don’t understand
Grammar tells us, ” ‘i’ before ‘e’ except after ‘c’ “.
But science tells us otherwise.
#GrammarDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
*Arrives at work 2 hrs late
Boss: HR wants to see you about your behavior
Me: Well, I literally just got here so it couldn’t have been me
I love the Yakuza games. I wish Japan was real.
My girlfriend’s daughter was laying across my legs.
Me: What am I a pillow now?
Her: Yep, and pillows don’t talk.
I think we’re bonding.
My son was brushing the crumbs off the front of his pants into the trash can at a restaurant and the waitress, thinking he was peeing, told him he needed to go do that in the bathroom.
Look lady, my kid only pees outside, not in the trash like the good lord intended.
[gas station]
me: fill her up
him: that’ll be $20
me: *taking the money* thanks