Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I ruined so many good songs for myself by making them my alarm clock sound

🎉Made my last car payment 🎉

I still owe a lot but I’m just not paying anymore

Guys in motorcycle clubs should have to go door to door like Mormon missionaries.

I don’t really wanna join but I’d like to be asked

Me: *stressed

My spouse: Do you want me here or do you want me to leave you alone?

Me, now a stressed psychopath: Both.

I was lying next to 4 and he looked into my eyes and stroked some hair off my face and my heart melted but then he stroked a bit harder and said “mummy I can’t rub the lines out your face”

I work out just enough so I can still chase the ice cream truck.

*getting attacked by a bear in France*

ME: Gnaw me like one of your French girls.

When I tell you “I’m open to feedback” I’m telling you to be nice to me or I’ll resort to violence

Oh, you have dignity? Well I have nachos. I win.

how come nobody who hacks celebrities ever does anything funny with it? they just type the n word like that’s comedy gold. You just hacked the CEO of twitter, idiot, you could’ve said something like “I am pleased to announce we are merging with Facebook. More details to follow”

Sticker placement is key.

Goblin adventurer whose catchphrase is “no goblemo”

This is Weller. He picked this flower for you. He also may have eaten a few of them. Not this one though. This one was special. 12/10 we are honored Weller

“men are scared of powerful women,” I whisper to myself as my 14th tinder date of the month leaves me alone at the bowling alley with my hand stuck in the ball return machine

People calling themselves a Personal Coach right now feels a lot like that time I called myself a Soccer Coach when my son was six.

Having sex outside isn’t as spontaneous as everyone will have you believe. Carrying the bed out there is time consuming and heavy!

I just had a guy explain maps to me. He handed me a map and said, “This is a map. You use it to locate things.”

I didn’t know what to say so I replied, “These are my shoes. I am going to use them to walk away now.”

I only use balsamic vinegar made from the finest of ballsams.

You guys know your secrets are safe with me. It’s the people I share them with you can’t trust.

When he said they’re giving migrants sex changes I nearly spit out my dog

How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?

Four year olds can’t even go for cigarettes or anything. Four year olds are useless.

[first day working at the pizzeria]
Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we’ve run out of everything

Me: I lost my virginity to Barry White.
Her: Really? What song?
Me: Song?

Morning.

Me: Can I buy you a drink?

Girl: I’m an alcoholic

Me: Ok, but I can only afford one.

*makes plans with someone*

(30 seconds later) what have I done

[at mechanic]

me: *kicking wheel* this baby needs a realignment

mechanic: we don’t do shopping carts