I’m soirée for my mispronunciation of French words.
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My uncle used to ruin every Thanksgiving with his drinking problem, but now he found Jesus and ruins it with that.
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
[Divorce court]
Judge: The reason you’re divorcing is “he’s annoying?”
Wife: He pronounces “yikes” like “Nike”
J: Baliff, throw him in jail
1818: My dearest Katherine, I write this letter in the hope that it finds you. It has been 3 fortnights since our last correspondence. I fear the lack of communique means you may have finally succumbed to the pox…
2018: Bro i texted u 10 mins ago u ded?
I love eating my wife’s snacks because she seals them well and they stay crisp but if I eat more later, they’re no longer crisp because I didn’t seal them. So you see my dilemma.
Too much insomnia causes caffeine.
Me: I don’t care how cute you are, I will tear you to shreds if you don’t start cooperating.
Wrapping paper: *rips*
Kids, stay in school and get a good degree so you can spend 40% of your life on conference calls
“I can’t believe we’re selling this house. So many memories. Man, if walls could talk…”
WALL: “I saw you vacuum up your kid’s hamster.”
newspaper editor: can you do a short local weather report?
me: it’s fine by me
newspaper editor: that’s perfect, thanks!
It’ll be neat when Taylor and Travis break up. Instead of writing an angsty song about him, she can just buy the Chiefs and move them to Singapore.
In case of an emergency, eat fried chicken.
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
WIFE: can you put the baby to sleep
ME: *trying to get the baby in a chokehold* his head’s too small it’s not working
I have a dog to make sure that the sounds in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those sounds.
All my life, I never thought I’d wake up at 6am to go jogging…and I was right.
If you’re hungry, you can say “I’d kill for a doughnut,” and it’s fine. But any other crime sounds suspicious.
“I’d commit insider trading for a cruller right now.”
“Oh man, I’d totally burn down a warehouse for a bear claw.”
“Give me a jelly filled or I’ll shiv you.”
Me: THE CAKE IS TAKING TOO LONG
Priest: it’s objections to the marriage, specifically
Its not a joke, its a rope and I want you to put it around your neck.
N = Someone
O = Doesn’t
P = Understand
E = Acronyms
As I was going through my wallet for a second I thought I got robbed… And then I remembered I got gas.
Leaning over with an open bag of skittles in your shirt pocket: a tragedy in one act
At a job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive
thinker.”“Give me an example”
“When do I start?”
You: “Call me crazy but..”
Me: “Okay, you’re crazy.
Wow-I’m really good at this!”
Never ‘boop’ a police officer on the nose when he pulls you over for speeding; I know this now.
I’ve started doing my makeup before getting dressed in the morning because, if we’re running late, my husband may argue I don’t need makeup, but will never argue that I don’t need clothes.
I just returned from a long trip and tossed my suitcase on the floor of my room, so I won’t see those clothes again for several months.
If I was in charge of the Batman movies I would do a brief scene where it’s implied there is a Batman in every city in America, each of varying skill. For example, the one in Grand Rapids is locked in his car