I’m Sold!
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Might buy an ice-cream truck just so that I can drive it around town, playing the jingle, whilst eating the inventory all by myself in plain view of the public.
twitter: Canadians are so nice
Canadians: *rubbing hands together* they’ve fallen into our trap
Don’t “pshhh” me, you stupid bus.
Keep your friends close and your enemies tied to a train track.
No, autocorrect, switching “generics” to “gerbils” in the message I sent to my doctor without proofreading first was actually extremely helpful, thank you for that.
I have a lot of unemployment jokes…
None of them work.
The scene from The Exorcist where she’s tied to the bed cursing like a sailor, but it’s me when getting a Brazilian.
Ladies, lemme assure you.. I’m not trying to get into your pants. I can barely get into my own pants at this point.
May someone of my non-German mutuals explain German Burger King to me:
oh so you rich guys throw the water out after you boil hotdogs. too good for hotdog soup. too good to dab the soup on your wrists like colog
I have such a bad cold that when I breathe through my nose, it sounds like Marge Simpson sighing/expressing disapproval.
The hardest part of being Darth Vader is never being able to sneak up on anyone because your theme music started playing.
Me: [dies in the living room]
Dad: He never liked following directions
3 Hurricanes
2 Wildfires
A wild tiger roaming I-75Who decided to play Jumanji?
[at the race]
“RUNNERS ON YOUR MARK”
Mark: ouch!
Washed the drying rack and now idk where to dry it
Spot cleaning is my favorite because I clean like two spots in my house and then I’m done.
[bank]
Associate: are you here to take out a loan?
Hitman: don’t worry, I’ll make it look like an accident
They say someone in the US is bitten by a shark 19 times a year.
Poor guy.
“google d-dildoes…” i whisper to siri “GOOGLIN BIG OL DILDOES!!” screams the phone, smashing windows in a 9mile radius & flipping over cars
2-year-old: Dad?
Me: What?
2: Are chickens real?
Me:
2:
Me: No one knows.
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
“I trust my boyfriend, I would never go thru his phone”
-girls who can’t figure out boyfriend’s passwords
“You’re free now” I say to my stomach as I unbutton my pants.
My wife got home and was mad when she saw I fed my son cake, banana, popcorn and M&M’s for dinner. I was like, “You saw the banana, right?”
My back hurts too much to lean over anymore, going to have to resort to picking things up with a deep curtsy.
Movies led me to believe there would be a whole lot more unlocked cars just sitting around with the keys tucked away in the overhead visor.
David Attenborough, the confusing early years
New PR on the treadmill today…I was able to hang 5 shirts and 3 pairs of pants
why are they throwing soup at paintings when my mouth is right here