I’m Sold!
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[Me on Shark Tank]
*shows the sharks a picture of their families tied up*
I’m looking for 100k for the safe return of your families
bf took me to get undies n he wanted to embarrass me so he said real loud: “i can’t wait to rip these off with my teeth” n i replied with: “seriously u need to stop, ur my brother”
i won
To everyone who received a file from me named myjunk.jpg: I thought I was sending you a photo of my garage sale. I am so, so sorry.
I can’t stand people who are indirect
You know who you are
If life’s a video game I’m controlled by grandma
Giving birth?
Passing a gallstone?
Monica Seles tennis match?Possible scenarios from sounds emitted from chic on elliptical next to me
(When I hear a news report of someone getting run over while walking their dog) IS THE DOG OKAY JUST TELL ME THE DOG IS OKAY
That earthquake could have been an email.
Hate the weather? Wait 5 minutes. It’s Ohio.
Where you can experience every season within 24 hours.
*joins Buddhist monastery*
*withstands 21 years of brutal kung-fu training*
So, vending machine that didn’t drop my funyuns. We meet again.
Hey, I lost my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?
ME: Hmm. My biggest weakness? Tough question. I guess some people say I’m delusional
UBER DRIVER: I didn’t say anything
You think jumping out of an airplane is dangerous? Pfft…try going to Trader Joe’s when you’re starving to death.
Dinosaurs, consider yourselves avenged
I see your IQ test came back negative
No one takes their job more seriously than the guy that glues down the start of the toilet paper roll.
[Couples Therapy]
HER: He keeps pretending he’s a doctor. This relationship is dead
HIM: I’m calling it. Time of death, 9:26
ME: OMG SEE!
Marie Kondō’s method really has been magical. I’m ridding my home of anything that doesn’t “spark joy.”
So far I’m down one washing machine, one vacuum, and a husband.
it is time once again. all hail the thanksgiving tube
If Jesus came back today, hipsters would be like “whatever Jesus, the book was better.”
Me: There’s a guy in Toronto who survived being shot thirty times. He’s totally fine now
Wife: I am not shooting you. Just go to work
*walks into business conference*
*everyone stares and gasps because I have a hotel coffee cup instead of Starbucks*
*one lady starts crying and gives me her cup*
right now there are two wolves inside me but i feel like i could still eat like one half more wolf
When a celebrity dies, who’s the helpful psychopath that immediately changes all the “is”s to “was”s on their Wikipedia page?
A new study says vegetarians
die younger than smokers, on average, so don’t smoke your vegetables…
I have a memory like one of those big grey things you know the ones I mean.
The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I’m joking.
You can’t begin to imagine what an intolerable burden it is to be cursed with this staggeringly poignant flair for the melodramatic
No matter how powerless you feel, just think to yourself, one single pubic hair off of your body can shut down an entire restaurant.