I’m Sold!
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Who called it “unplugging the life support machine” and not “pulling the RIP cord”?
Husband: Give me one example.
Me: ALL the times.
Husband: Those don’t count.
Me, covered in grease and tossing a filthy rag over my shoulder: Alright…wiper fluid’s full.
My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?
Just tell me how many calories are in the entire package and save me the trouble of doing all the multiplication.
Licked a frog once.
He didn’t turn into a prince but he did turn into an ambulance ride.
The massive row between me and my wife at her cousin’s wedding was actually staged because I needed to leave early for a work thing, and she wanted to get back at her cousin for getting engaged at our wedding.
My kid keeps talking about his preschool “road trip” and I’m not sure a visit to an apple orchard has ever been described in that way
I tell my boyfriend I love him all the time and all he says are things like “make a left in 300 feet” and “you’ve reached your destination.”
Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.
Knitting socks for all the geese in the park, they were grateful until they got wet now I have angry geese in wet socks chasing me, this is a powerful lesson I won’t soon forget
fred flintstone: I’ve got a problem with my car
podiatrist: let’s take a look
I followed this woman on a bike with an empty baby seat for a half a mile yelling, “your baby jumped out!” before she gave me the finger.
Swallowed a bunch of tiny figurines and gems before my colonoscopy, because my proctologist deserves a little mystery and wonder.
[my first day at the spa]
*gently lays an entire cucumber on your eyelids*
me: could my thighs get any bigger? *sits down* me: oh look now they’re the size of Australia
Casual: Rob a bank
Fancy: Robert a bank
I’m going to be embalmed the old-fashioned way.
Bourbon.
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, I found out Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.
when it’s raining and someone texts you “are we still on for tonight?” and you say “oh, im fine either way, up to you! it’s raining lol” and then they text “okay see you tonight”
I’m starting an eraser company and looking to get the word out
*runs Baywatch style through Wendy’s drive-thru*
*Approaches girl at bar*
Brain: Say you like her eyes. No, hair. Actually, go for eyes!
Me: You have lovely hairy eyes
Brain: My bad.
Him: Your body is like poetry
Me: That’s so nice!
H: A haiku
M:..
H: Little on the top, big in the middle, little on the bottom
M: Just stop
Someone send Kendall Jenner onto a United flight with a Pepsi, stat.
Friend: I want my funeral to be a celebration of life and not sad or depressing.
Me: Screw that. I want people climbing onto my casket and asking God to take them too.
Everyone hates their job until someone brings cupcakes in.
Why do they say “break a leg !” to actors ?
If you said “tear an ACL !” to a star athlete,
you’d be shot on the spot.
Woman: it’s legal to breastfeed my son in public
Cop: not while he’s driving