I’m Sold!
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Pro tip: If you eat your sandwich in line you don’t have to pay for it.
[looking at photo album]
Me: Here’s the story of how daddy met mommy
Son: Why is your hair spiky…
Daughter: …and long in the back?
My 6yo wouldn’t eat his chocolate chip muffin bec there were too many chocolate chips in it, and now I…I just…I’m gonna need a min here.
a restaurant that rubs your shoulders while you eat mashed potatoes
The Beatles: 🎶 lend me your ears and I’ll sing you a song
Van Gogh: here you go
*pets a duck* helo litle friemd u used to b a dinosuar
[interview at the Pringles factory]
BOSS: why do you wanna work here?
TENNIS BALL: {don’t say to take back the tubes} uhh i love curvy chips
those beautiful naked women have made a compelling argument i’m going to steer this ship into the rocks
Gave my seat to a blind man on the bus.
Lost my job as a bus driver.
I just ran over a tree, a 5’2″ blonde screaming tree with a purse.
My brain: “Let’s do something adventurous today!”
My body: “Yeah, good luck with that.”
I got banged so hard today I’m still walking funny.
Sure it was my head vs the door of my vehicle but I’m still counting it.
My mom is on a road trip to Amish Country with some of my aunts.
Please help me, she’s buying me and my wife gifts.
Alien: we are here to enslave you
Me: *not looking up from phone* huh?
Alien: I SAID..
Me: *still not looking up* yeah I said I’ll do it
social media jobs be like:
Do you know your TikTok from your Facebook? have you ever heard of or seen “a computer”?
Then you just might be perfect for our SOCIAL MEDIA DIRECTOR job, running every online element of our business
£13k, Slough
Me: I’ve decided to be the girl from The Grudge.
Friend: For Halloween?
Me: For what?
Age 28: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up w/ smudged sexy eye make-up
Age 38: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up a dragon
The card you sent said “Peace on Earth” but the glitter on my hand says you have made a powerful enemy.
Boyf said I look really pretty when I’m concentrating…I realised its cos I’m quiet! Either way it’s the last time I let him watch me poo
My wife and I are to the point where I can text her “Hey” and she’ll text back “It’s on the dresser.”
Bought $200 sunglasses.
Lost them in 15 minutes.Bought Walmart sunglasses.
Had them for 238 years.
I know I’m short but if you ever try to pat me on the head I will bite your ankles
Canadian Army training is 6 weeks of learning how to throw a snowball.
Clue is a wonderful game that teaches children about murder.
*flirting poorly at the grocery store*
me: so do you eat food often?
Start the year as you intend to continue.
my favourite word in the dictionary is ratio because it’s under rated
The Person Who Discovered Sharks
Every time I have a salad for lunch my stomach feels the same way a dog does when someone fake throws a tennis ball.