Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

On Average, ovulating women prefer rugged & masculine men.

Menstruating women prefer men duct-taped and on fire.

Painting up my car like an orca and running limousines off the road

HOW TO BE A LAWYER:

Witness: I saw your client do it.
Me: Allegedly.
W: No, I did.
M: Allegedly.
Judge: That’s argumentative.
M: Allegedly.

“This smoothie is spicy!”

“Ma’am, that’s salsa.”

[first weekend away from the kids]

ME: lemme sleep 5 more minutes

PRISON GUARD: ma’am your husband posted bail Friday

Trump’s rhetoric has become even more disturbing and incendiary. Today he claimed “Burger King fries are as good as McDonald’s fries.”

I love using food in the bedroom!

But, when it comes to wearing a condiment…

I mayo may not.

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but, don’t drink aquarium water to impress a girl……..

Me: gentleman of this truck stop bathroom, please boo that kid for not washing his hands

All: BOOOO!

kid: I am telling mom

Me: Phone a friend
Judge: That’s not how this works

me: interested in how the sun shines in our new apartment

boyfriend:

god grant me the serenity to close tabs i know i won’t read, the courage to keep ones open that i will, & the wisdom to know the difference

If covid had hit in 2007, there would be 1000 tweets a day saying “Covid has to isolate after being exposed to Chuck Norris.”

You saw nothing. I am ham.

Scream 1996: killer uses landline; makes it until the end

Scream 2022: killer uses Facebook, twitter, insta; gets caught immediately

[SEXTING]
ME: tell me what you like

HER: I really get off on exhibitionism

ME: OK, cool, weird that museums turn you on but cool

My husband’s car radio is broken and stuck on a country station. I feel personally victimized when I have to ride with him.

If both kids are screaming….

….both kids are alive.

It’s science

me in high school: oh my god I missed two hairs on my legs, I am an abomination

me today: the bug spray has lemongrass and peppermint in it so it doubles as perfume

I saw my therapist’s notes and instead of using my name he just refers to me as “the combatant”

Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.

You should feel pretty honoured if I subtweet you.
But the tweet you think is about you, probably isn’t.
Twitter’s hard. Get a helmet.

You guys talk about sex like it’s so great. I had sex once and she made me take off my jean jacket. Just not worth it.

I introduced my kids to the “magical snap of sleep”, when I snap my fingers the person in bed falls instantly asleep, it worked beautifully on my husband but the kids are still awake

Anyone who wants to learn how to be humble, feel free to talk to me. There’s nothing like learning from the best.

“Excuse me, but the sign says ‘No shirt, no shoes, no service.’ It doesn’t say a goddamn thing about no pants.”

– Me, drunk at Target

ARTHUR: Knights, I have a dangerous mission for you.
SIR LANCELOT: I shall go.
SIR GALAHAD: We all shall go.
SIR VEY: Okay, actually, just—quick poll—who else does NOT want to go?

I have no milkshakes. No one comes to my yard. The grass looks fantastic.

so unrealistic when scary movies show an empty rocking chair rocking back and forth. there should be a pile of laundry on it