“I’m soooo tired!”
[lays down in bed]
“I’m soooo comfortable!”
Bladder: Sup bro
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GENIE: you have 3 fishes
ME: you mean wishes, right?
GENIE: times are tough
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE:
ME: I’ll take two mackerel and a goldfish
Stop saying da Vinci invented the helicopter. He invented the sky corkscrew and it was ridiculous.
“I’d like a nice stiff entendre please.”
– Want me to make it a double?
“I’ll just take it as it comes.”
Where there’s a will there’s a way. You just have to be nice to your rich aunt
ppl always judge adam & eve for listening to the talking serpent but u never hear a single person say anything about dr doolittle
FACEBOOK: yo remember ur ex from 2 years ago? look at this photo of u together
ME: facebook no
FACEBOOK: k heres ur dog who died 5 years ago
When my cats look out the window at another cat I like to pretend they’re judging and disparaging it with little British accents.
Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the 16th.
phone sales rep: may I speak with the head of the household pls?
me: just a sec, he’s using the litter box
I told my boss I’m calling in sick today. He said, “You can’t do that when you’re already here.” Is that true you guys?
9 year-old attempts to follow a recipe:
“It says here to separate the eggs. How far apart do they have to be?”
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my 4th cup of French onion soup.
Girl, yo grammatical atrocities so huge, you need typosuction.
“have you heard about the Nu covid variant”
“no, what’s it called?”
“the Nu variant”
“yeah what’s it called”
“no, it’s literally spelled N U, Nu”
“haha wow, who named it that?”
“yes”
Me [doing a lovely soft shoe routine and nailing it]
Brother: Are you serious? This is my sentencing hearing
Judge [teary]: Just wonderful
new york is like a toxic boyfriend, all winter you’re like why does he treat me this way and then spring hits and you’re like wow he loves me so so much
Me: Table for 1.
Host: Just 1?
Me: Yes. Can you enunciate “just” a little harder?
My son thinks declaring “yuck” to every meal I prepare can break me, but he doesn’t realize academic life has hardened me from rejection. So, joke’s on him.
“Be nice to everyone…
You never know who might have a pool.”
-Mahatma Gandhi
when my therapist asks how i’ve been the last two weeks
Kids are a great reminder that, when life knocks you down, you can’t stay down for long. No, because literally they’re going to ask you to make them a sandwich like right after.
“I think this ice cream is spoiled.”
*me drunk, eating mayonnaise*
EVERY MOVIE TRAILER NOW:
We hear a single piano key play.
A shot of a basketball court at dusk.
Sally Field [V.O.] “Your grandfather was…complicated. There’s a lot you don’t know, can’t understand.”
A children’s choir starts singing “In the Air Tonight” by Phil Collins.
My parents do this fun thing when they show up for dinner at 6 in the morning.
I spilled red wine on my white pants. So I decided to sprinkle blue glitter on them too. I’m now a top seller on Etsy.
16th CENTURY KING: Fear not, for I have come
COURT JESTER: lol that’s what she spake
kid: *reading ouija board* she says you should vacuum
mom: who?
kid: grandma. she’s coming back
mom: honey grandma died years ago
[urn falls off mantle]
mom: get the—
kid: —vacuum?
It doesn’t have to be a plane crash. If we’re stuck in traffic I’ll seriously consider eating the Uber driver.
Never go to bed angry. Stay up and finish the argument like an adult
I’m being forced to attend a family dinner tonight at a priest’s house…
There’s no such thing as a surprise exorcism, right?