I’m sorry a horse was able to unlock your phone using facial recognition…
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when you see my three typing dots linger there for a long time just know I’m fighting an epic battle with autocorrect
People who call it duck tape must be smoking quack.
A penguin is a bird the way a hot dog is a sandwich
Yesterday my daughter asked how babies are made, and I gave such a terrible explanation she now thinks babies come from eggs.
My coworker is pregnant and they passed a card around and I didn’t know what to write so I just put HAVE A GOOD BABY TANYA
A 6-month wait when filing for divorce, but only a 15-day wait when buying a gun. I think the solution for relationship problems is clear.
My toddler thought the moon was beautiful tonight. So beautiful that he wanted to give it a hug. Proving once again that kids are incredibly sweet.
And so so dumb.
If I could be in two places at once, I’d be in bed twice.
Your Bio says you like music. That’s amazing. Seems like everybody else around here hates music. Kindred spirits, you and I.
Don’t ask about my weird flex, this is the position I’m stuck in.
nicole kidman being in a film called babygirl is actually perfect cause it’s like another version of her last name
You laugh at me now, but when a giant wheel of feral cheddar rolls up while you’re out walking alone, that’s the time you’ll wish for a can of CheeseMace™.
Do people lifting with their knees and backs know about using their hands?
Mom, I have a runny nose I don’t need a rectal thermometer.
Plus, I’m 35
Just saw someone refer to a cat as a spicy dog…this is the only way now.
30 seconds staring confused at the calculator app before realizing why my phone wasn’t calling the number I dialed.
[first date]
HER: I really like you
ME: I like you too
HER: So did you bring protection?
ME: *gesturing to my bodyguard* Yeah, this is Tony
I have AirPods now, the next step is somehow staying rich and staying humble
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
I’m hearing terrible scratching noises coming from inside my walls and it better be demons because I can’t afford it to be squirrels right now
Me: It’s time to lose my quarantine 15.
Girl Scouts: Hold my cookies.
Dear fork,
I just wanted to inform you that you have a son. His name is Spork.
Love always,
Spoon PS: he has your hair.
If my boss suddenly revealed that he’d been Sacha Baron Cohen this whole time everything about my job would make a lot more sense
I would like you to meet my significant other. Her name is Cheese.
Genie: for your first wish?
Me: I wish my kid would listen to me.
Genie: done, and for your second?
Me: you can go I’m good.
In my defense, I didn’t realize it was a funeral procession when I started flipping people off for going so slow.
If the Powerball has taught me anything, it’s how to turn $200 into $4.
Date: so where do you see yourself in ten years?
Me: (remembering women like commitment) living happily with a wife (remembering women like mystery) whose murder remains unsolved
Pre-diction: Baby’s first words will be garbled.