Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!!”
I scream to my dogs as they all watch me trip, run into the coffee table and spill my coffee all over myself.

I’d hang this in my house.

Playing doctor with my 3yo and I’ve been diagnosed as “barely alive” and this pretend play has become wildly realistic.

anything is possible with the right attitude and a sledgehammer

him: you’re a riot
me: which one
him: haha it’s an expres-
me: i am the haymarket riot of 1886
him: ok…
me: im not some potato riot

33, Male, Jerusalem. You?

Tom work hard.
Tom tired.
Tom need break.
Tom book Caribbean vacation.
Tom Cruise.

gf: Daddy
me: don’t call me that it’s creepy
gf: Sorry Baby
me: that’s better

i for one absolutely hate and can’t stand it when the crab next to me in this bucket full of crabs (i too am a crab) climbs over me when i am trying to in fact climb over THEM

I swear every time my iPhone unlocks by my facial recognition, I hear it chuckle.

Me:

One of my moles: I shall grow a hair for you, master

My mother’s relationship with waitstaff assumes that the menu is an enemy code they’ll decrypt together.

Twitter has ruined my chance at a political career.

Thank goodness.

The neighbor’s 5yo keeps yelling “are we boyfriend and girlfriend” across the fence at my 5yo, and my kid just came running in the house and slammed the door, so I guess that answers that

I’m sorry I seasoned you while you were taking a nap.

After spending 20 minutes trying to get my girlfriends bra off, I decided to give up.

I wish I’d never put it on in the first place..

You know you’re a real a&&**** when you go in for a colonoscopy and come out with a sore throat.

Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breastmilk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.

if i could choose one super power right now it would be the ability to delete my number from other people’s phones.

I’m getting genuinely concerned about the declining literacy rate.

ZOMBIE 1: why do we eat brains?
ZOMBIE 2: because. It’s food for thought! haha
ZOMBIE 1: [sigh]

Before I had a dog I never realized how much chicken was on the sidewalk

It’s so unsettling meeting a baby with a grown man’s name. No I don’t want to hold Keith but can he look over my investment portfolio for me

Annoying to think of how many lives on the Titanic could have been saved if only they had seen the movie.

If there are no stupid questions what do you call this?

I used the label maker

She was Hannah Montana when Bush was president. Thanks, Obama.

British people react to the @BBC posting baseball content on twitter… 😭

I’m gonna hire a person to speak at my funeral and say a bunch of crazy stuff about me so my friends and family think I had a secret life.

Me: How’d you injure your back?

Friend: I dropped something, bent down to pick it up, and my back said, “You sure ’bout that?”