I’m sorry about your blouse but you really shouldn’t tell people you have cat-like reflexes and think they won’t try and prove it, so again, this one is on you.
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I’m gonna work tirelessly until I find whoever stole the wheels off my car
“Can I get a do-over?” – Me, playing golf, tennis (or pretty much any sport), taking a test, having sex, making a speech, living my life….
Thanks to daylight saving time, my kids now have an extra hour to fight with each other.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
I need a new salt grinder but I need one full of just Xanax because salt is bad for you.
*Plot Twist*
Your dog loses his mind with excitement when you leave for work instead of when you get home.
goddammit a coworker followed me on twitter.
i’m not talking about you barbara you’re super cool.
I like to watch the murder shows on Investigation Discovery so I don’t make the same mistakes those killers did.
Her: I’m leaving…
Me: Good. Go. I never loved you in the first place.
Her:…for the store.
Me: Oh…..Pick me up some Funyuns?
“Call your mother and tell her what you REALLY think!
~Vodka
Me: Any news?
Doctor: I’m just waiting for your x-ray.
Me: But I’ve never dated anyone called Ray.
Doctor: And we might do a brain scan.
I really really think we are not giving kids enough credit for their resiliency during this incredible period of adult stupidity
Autocorrect changed “stranger” to “strangler” & it made me wonder how often I must have written about murdering people to teach it that.
I have no idea what Steampunk is except that it must be healthier than Fried Punk.
Sorry I was gone for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch to just one video.
(Has hundreds of bad experiences smelling things)
Him: Smell this
Me: Okay
*primitive gungans defeat battle droids*
*Stone Age ewoks beat elite stormtroopers*
*improbable underdog story defeats logic and reason*
The band and I decided to go our separate ways after they saw my audition.
Dad: Thanks for cleaning your room Emily. Unlike certain other children of mine, who will remain nameless.
Son: *eyes welling up* Please give me a name, I’m 17
therapist: and how do we react to conflict?
me: with sarcasm?
therapist: try again
me: oh sry how’s this? dEfInItElY nOt WiTh SaRcAsM
therapist: much better
My husband wants a fourth child. I hope his new wife will be good to my three.
After having received my free sample of winter, I would like to cancel my subscription please
“Why do Americans write the month before day?”
“That’s how you say it, month first”
“What’s the date today?”
“It’s the fourth of July”
My kid—who potentially had an allergic reaction to shrimp last week—just got extremely worried that he couldn’t eat a favorite food anymore, and I got to be the one to share the good news that whipped cream does not normally contain shellfish.
yeh i’ll get up soon i just need to look at the internet first. yes the whole thing
I always yell “FORE” when I’m throwing golf clubs out of my car at joggers.
Snow White: Someday my prince will come
Prince Charming: I swear this has never happened before
waiter: wine?
date: I don’t drink
waiter: water?
me: she said she doesn’t drink pal
If covid gave people face sores like monkeypox does, this pandemic would have been over on May 1, 2020.