I’m sorry about your blouse but you really shouldn’t tell people you have cat-like reflexes and think they won’t try and prove it, so again, this one is on you.
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what idiot named it jurassic world instead of parks and rex
[Date rolls over in bed & gasps in horror]
Me: [In nothing, with pantyhose over my head] Did you know the average person swallows 8 spiders a year in their sleep?
The downside to posting jokes all the time is that if I tweeted “Help, I am in an Iranian prison” everyone would be like “haha good one”
legally you can do anything in a library as long as you’re quiet
look scared
Kids are the best get-out-of-everything card. Need to cancel plans? Blame the kids. House messy? Blame the kids. Look like a slob? Blame the kids. Cranky for absolutely no reason whatsoever? Blame the kids.
It’s only a tidal wave when it’s headed toward you, if it’s headed away that’s a toodle wave.
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
I left my Kindle on the train. This would have never happened if I was carrying 8 bookshelves full of books with me like in the old days.
Just used a stiletto heel to open an Amazon package.
Next up – that impossible to reach, itchy spot in the middle of my back.
How the stock market works:
Seller: selling $20 for $25!
Buyer: [terrified] take my money!
Prison Guard: *evil laugh* I’m going to do a cavity search.
Me, who has never had a cavity because I brush regularly: I look forward to it!
A kitchen sponge is a better environment for growing bacteria than a petri dish.
“Goddamn you’re so well put together I can’t wait to take you apart” sounded way sexier and less serial-killery in my head
dentist: when did you last floss?
me: just last week
dentist: you know i went to school for this, right? i can see that’s not true
me: sorry, i meant yesterday
dentist: what?
me: i mean i’m flossing right now
dentist:
me: ow my gums, they hurt exactly the normal amount
“If you approach a bear in the woods, lie down and play dead” – brilliant rumor started by lazy bears
babe what’s wrong you haven’t moved an inch in six months and you smell really bad
Day 30 on the desert island. Out of food. There’s no other option, I’m going to have to talk to the other survivors
If I squint really hard, nope. You’re still an idiot.
Toddler: I want to go to bed with Thor & captain America
Me: me too kid, me too
He challenged me to eat just one chip.
So I had two. Dozen.
friend: you’re saying an alien pulled you onto his ship, examined you, and threw you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
No, I’m not participating in movember, I’m just Italian.
The nurse should wait until after they weigh you to ask if you’ve had any symptoms of depression in the past two weeks.
But if two men get married, they’ll BOTH be stupid in detergent commercials and then no one will buy the correct detergent.
Me: Ugh I’ve gained so much weight
Him: It’s ok, babe
Me: [my eyes turn black as the sky darkens; a swarm of locusts encircle us; a priest faints and a demonic voice exits my mouth uttering a simple sound] Oh?
Sometimes, when I am matching socks, I think, “What if these two socks don’t even like each other?”
[Interrogation room after a massive Swiss cheese theft]
Detective: I gotta tell ya, your story sure has a lot of….inconsistencies in it.
Went to Target to look at discounted Christmas stuff but apparently it’s Valentine’s Day now.
Me: It’s a hat store, but on the blonkchain
*Investor hands me $30 million*
Investor: Wait … did you say “blonkchain”?
Me: *runs*