I’m sorry about your blouse but you really shouldn’t tell people you have cat-like reflexes and think they won’t try and prove it, so again, this one is on you.
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Cowboy outfits should be called ranch dressing.
“YOU’RE DEAD TO ME”
Me on my first day as a mortician
Comments like this are why we can’t have nice things
shaggy: look out, it’s a g-g-g-ghost!
fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
scrappy doo who is a literal talking dog: yea shaggy u stupid human idiot
Save time sledding with kids by just throwing away one mitten before you even leave the house
Her: So, what is your major?
Him: I study forensics.
Her: Dude, that’s just 10!
you can basically just make up facts as long as they’re about animals.. cows can’t look left. you don’t know
my 19 yr old daughter suspects the 22 yr old boyfriend of her friend who is also 19 is dating someone younger so he has someone to provide end of life care because he’s so old and I just can’t
I’m suspicious of people who don’t like dogs…But I totally trust a dog when it doesn’t like a person.
Me: [trying to act normal]
Nearby Person: hey man are you ok
JEDI WHO INVENTED LIGHTSABER: ok its a destructive laser sword so maybe we shoudnt wear anythig too flowy
JEDI IN CHARGE OF COSTUMES: …OORR
Asked my toddler if she’d work on being more careful when eating in her car seat. Her response was an immediate “No.” At least she’s honest.
I knew my 5yo was growing up too fast when he tried to take his shoes off and said “I don’t like bending down anymore”
I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.
I’m in the hospital now, waiting to be seen.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them.
Getting shit done. Was my response when my boss ask me what I’m doing. And now I’m sitting outside of H.R.
You take the oxy out of oxymoron
Quoting famous dead people on the internet is stupid.
~Confucius
Just heard that someone has started digging Fidel Castro’s grave..
Must be a communist plot.
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
I found an old set of stationary I ordered when I was 10 … will be using it for all future business correspondence
Therapist: Did someone refer you to me?
“Yes, everyone.”
Run yourself luxurious baths, while you’re still young and fit to climb in and out!
My girlfriend just called a group of sheep ‘sheeps’ and now I can never be sure that she is legally capable of consenting to sex.
“You’re not like the other girls.”
“Yeah, that’s pretty much how this works. We’re literally all different ones.”
Why is it wealthy people can refuse to pay their bills and suffer no consequences, but if I don’t pay my electr
[loud crashes]
Me: What was that?
4-year-old: Nothing.
Me:
4:
Me: OK.
Parenting is easier than it looks.
[office meeting]
BOSS: Printer ink is costing us a ton. Any ideas on how to cut costs?
SQUID: *looks up from phone* Why y’all lookin’ at me?
This bloke knocked on my door and asked me if I’ve considered an alternative energy supplier.
I said, ‘No thanks, I’m quite happy with food.’