I’m sorry about your blouse but you really shouldn’t tell people you have cat-like reflexes and think they won’t try and prove it, so again, this one is on you.
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You make a compelling argument, Morty.
*cocks gun*
Me: “Go ahead.”
Horse: “Just be cool, man.”
Me: “DRINK.”
Horse: “No problem. It’s just a stupid expression.”
My client has retained me to cancel plans with you.
*first date*
her: I can suck a golf ball through a garden hose
me: I like the sound of that
her: mmmmm oh do you now.
me: yes, I have two young kids. any chance you could suck a ham and cheese sandwich out of a dvd player?
Does anybody know how many toddlers you have to bring to ‘Toys For Tots’ before you’re eligible for an Xbox?
Why pink camo? Do people hunt barbie jeeps or try to sneak up on pepto bismol?
I may be a woman but I know all about off-road adventuring. Your tyres need to be soft when driving in sand so just make little holes in your tyres. Stab stab stab.
Follow me for more adventuring tips.
According to this Ancestry DNA test, I’m 40% caveman. Thanks, Flintstones vitamins.
Do Russia and Uganda realize if they put all their gay people in jail then jail will become the nicest part of their country?
[first day after lying on my job application]
me: can we pull over at a mcdonalds or something
co-pilot: what
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why didn’t you text me? I’ll never call you back. Like, ever. You’d have better luck with a telegram.
back to work
*Held up the grocery line because the card reader couldn’t read my Apple Watch*
Elderly Man behind me: (Exhales) Let’s move this along, future boy
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
2: strawberries
3: chocolate
4: donuts
5: protein shakes
6: microwave meal
7: Rat poison
I am now afraid to click on any celebrity name trending it just keeps getting worse and worse
[man who won the lottery]: here’s why i think buying lottery tickets is the future of finance 👇🧵
5 and 11 months: When I was a baby six years ago I was happy.
Me: You weren’t born yet then.
5: No, I mean when I was in your tummy. I didn’t have to do anything I didn’t want and it was dark and warm.
Me: *Sigh* And you didn’t fight with me on eating your dinner either.
True crime was invented to remind people that life could be worse
still not “these beanie babies are going to be worth so much later on” rich and it hurts.
Me: I’ll remember this verification code and don’t need to write it down.
Me two seconds later: Oh no!
If you’re not suppose to eat late at night, then why is there a light in the refrigerator?!
Stuffs more popcorn in my face*
Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?
Taught my daughter how to use Amazon Lists and now I have 371 items under “you should buy me this”
[first date]
Her: I’m really into literature.
Me: I love crime and punishment.
Her: Yes! Incredible book, right?
Me: … book?
– Hello, RSPCA.
– Hello. There’s a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan.
– I don’t believe you.
– Well you’ll have to take my whirred ferret.
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
Alcohol may not be able to give you a loving hug when you need it but the Liquor Mart employee’s you’re buying it off of sure can.
If someone is choking the best thing to do is ask them if they’re okay repeatedly then if that fails give a concerned look until resolved.
He wanted to come over but I only have one dozen donuts
me: in the song WE call “The Monster Mash” it references a party where The Monster Mash was played. Which means the REAL Monster Mash had to have existed before the song we’re hearing, but we have no idea what it is.
host of the halloween party: how did you set up a powerpoint?