I’m sorry, all I hear is your perfume

You Might Also Like


What’s your body type? Mine is “giant gummy bear.”


I wonder how many baptisms by fire were performed before someone switched to water.


Missed connection: you were washing your car in a bathing suit. I rode past your house 78 times. You threw a rock at me.


It sounds mean, but my best friend sent me a card with glitter in it, so the next time I see her I’m going to have to punch her in the face.


[at the hotel california]

me: i’d like to check out

desk clerk: alright, you’re all set

me: great, bye

desk clerk: oh, but you can never leave

me: then why did you let me check out

desk clerk: *shrugs*


Me (holding two sticks of butter): now where did i put that stick of butter? hmm i guess i didn’t get one out. hey kiddo could you grab a butter

My Son (also holding two sticks of butter): i just checked the fridge. we’re all out


If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.


if ur ever in a scary movie situation and find that the phone cords been cut just act like the phone still works thatll confuse the bad guy


My family has a proud tradition of hunting down the worst possible person we can find, and then marrying them.


Maybe don’t show me a picture if you don’t want me to rate your baby.