What’s your body type? Mine is “giant gummy bear.”
I’m sorry, all I hear is your perfume
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I wonder how many baptisms by fire were performed before someone switched to water.
Missed connection: you were washing your car in a bathing suit. I rode past your house 78 times. You threw a rock at me.
It sounds mean, but my best friend sent me a card with glitter in it, so the next time I see her I’m going to have to punch her in the face.
[at the hotel california]
me: i’d like to check out
desk clerk: alright, you’re all set
me: great, bye
desk clerk: oh, but you can never leave
me: then why did you let me check out
desk clerk: *shrugs*
Me (holding two sticks of butter): now where did i put that stick of butter? hmm i guess i didn’t get one out. hey kiddo could you grab a butter
My Son (also holding two sticks of butter): i just checked the fridge. we’re all out
If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.
if ur ever in a scary movie situation and find that the phone cords been cut just act like the phone still works thatll confuse the bad guy
My family has a proud tradition of hunting down the worst possible person we can find, and then marrying them.
Maybe don’t show me a picture if you don’t want me to rate your baby.