acme was just mailing bombs and rockets and shit to a dog
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The most unbelievable thing in movies is when someone guesses the password of a computer that’s not theirs. I can’t even figure out my own password. That I changed yesterday.
[teen me w/GF in my dad’s car]
Me: You wanna do it?
Her: *giggling* Yes
Me: *hears voice whisper no glove, no love* GET OUT OF THE CAR MOM
[robbery]
ROBBER: Give me all your money!
ME: I don’t have it all with me.
ROBBER: Dang!
Senior sext: CAN YOU READ ME NOW?
You know you’re getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows.
“Said no one ever.” -Said everyone on Twitter.
When I say I learnt it on the streets… Just know i’m paying respect to Big Bird and that counting vampire guy
In grocery store & guy grabs my hand,starts to walk.I go with him, till he turns & realizes I’m not his wife.We broke it off…Single again
My uncle told me the other day that the world is in a really crazy place when Twitter seems more logical than the general public so congrats y’all are considered the most sane people on the planet by at least one person
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
This looks like a job for..
*I rip open my jacket*
Jacket Repair Man!
*I sew my jacket back together*
i am going as a ‘credit card’ to this halloween party, cause i plan on being used irresponsibly.
doctor: after numerous tests we figured out you were allergic to sagas
me: how?
doctor: it’s a long story
me: [already vomiting]
I’ve been on twitter for almost 12 years, I remember when it all used to be farmland
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
People say to feng shui your home to get rid of negative energy, so I made my family go stand outside before blocking the front door with the couch.
I ran into a wall today. Literally, not in my writing. The writing is going well for once, so I guess that’s how it balances out. 🧱
Hey babe, you look hungry. I have a meal for you in my shorts.
*whips out five course meal from my cargo shorts with still frozen dippin dots for dessert*
for dessert we’re having a discussion about why my girlfriend didn’t laugh at a joke i made 3 years ago
I used to worry about offending people’s moms on facebook but now they all post memes like “I chug vodka to keep from drowning my children”
i love when dog owners are like “our dog is very food-motivated!” like yeah. it’s a dog
I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.
My 3yo gave me a hug and said, “here is a flower just for you. I got it from the plastic tree you told me not to touch.”
3 years ago today I signed up for Twitter. Since then, I’ve walked into 8 light poles, stepped on 5 cats and looked up from my phone twice.
Turns out if you don’t click “turn in” when you’re done with your assignment on google classroom, you won’t get credit for doing it.
– my 11yo, genuinely shocked at this discovery
put on my eevee cosplay and my mom said i looked like a squirrel and took a picture of me in our yard and posted it in our neighborhood facebook group saying that the squirrels are getting larger this year and that someone needs to contact animal control
Yogi Bear: You gonna eat that?
Hiker: THAT’S A BABY.
YB: And I’m a talking bear.
Hiker:
YB:
Hiker:
YB: So where are we on that baby?
Her: Treat me mean, do bad things to me!
Me: *changes the WiFi password*
Them: You have a debt to society
Me: Well they can get in line
I’m whitening my teeth while I bake so I don’t eat and OMG, guys, did you know brownie batter is still amazing mixed with hydrogen peroxide?