@AphroditeAfter5

I’m sorry, all I hear is your perfume

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@mzeld

What’s your body type? Mine is “giant gummy bear.”

@AlanFelyk

I wonder how many baptisms by fire were performed before someone switched to water.

@Thunderhunk3000

Missed connection: you were washing your car in a bathing suit. I rode past your house 78 times. You threw a rock at me.

@3sunzzz

It sounds mean, but my best friend sent me a card with glitter in it, so the next time I see her I’m going to have to punch her in the face.

@_elvishpresley_

[at the hotel california]

me: i’d like to check out

desk clerk: alright, you’re all set

me: great, bye

desk clerk: oh, but you can never leave

me: then why did you let me check out

desk clerk: *shrugs*

@PhilJamesson

Me (holding two sticks of butter): now where did i put that stick of butter? hmm i guess i didn’t get one out. hey kiddo could you grab a butter

My Son (also holding two sticks of butter): i just checked the fridge. we’re all out

@ElgatoEsmio

If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.

@rorynotroy

if ur ever in a scary movie situation and find that the phone cords been cut just act like the phone still works thatll confuse the bad guy

@ficklenuts

My family has a proud tradition of hunting down the worst possible person we can find, and then marrying them.

@badbanana

Maybe don’t show me a picture if you don’t want me to rate your baby.