I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.

We are going to watch tv.

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*Does one sit-up. Whispers to self.

“That’ll do pig. That’ll do.”


Kill them with kindness, you say?

*slowly and sadly puts down bazooka*


Saw Helena Bonham Carter walking down Wardour Street earlier looking every inch the mystical vagabond. Was tempted to rub her head for luck.


Me: this meeting could’ve been an email.

Also me: (gets an email) Goddammit.


Pro tip: never tell a three-year-old that you’re going to Disney unless you plan on leaving that very second.


I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.


I’m sorry I got you birth control for Christmas and said it was my gift to the world.


Today my carelessness made someone late for work. He could lose his job, his home. Sir, if you’re reading this, I can’t replace the extra .74 seconds you sat at that green light, but your honk–still echoing in my soul–serves as a harsh reminder that my actions have consequences


Wife said she was ‘retaining water’ and I said I’d wondered who drained the swimming pool.

Been 4 days and I’m still hiding in the attic


My turd eating dog just spit out something I cooked if anyone wants to come to dinner.