I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.
We are going to watch tv.
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Sometimes I need “Eye of the Tiger” playing to get me to leave my bed.
Morning my dudes.
MOM: putting him in sports was a bad idea
DAD: yup
ME (in right field wearing my cup on my face): hey coach look at me I’m Bane lol
No one told me middle age would be so fuzzy, and if you are wondering whether I mean my eyesight or my facial hair, yes.
THEM: What’s it called when you think about them all the time?
ME: Love.
T: What if it’s about murdering them all the time?
M: Also love.
Bathrooms have Changed from being a Singing Studio, to a Photo Studio.
Love when horror trailers are like “straight from your nightmares” when your nightmares are usually like a buffalo chasing you through a mall but it’s also your mom
Yogi Bear: You gonna eat that?
Hiker: THAT’S A BABY.
YB: And I’m a talking bear.
Hiker:
YB:
Hiker:
YB: So where are we on that baby?
When I was a kid, I wanted to be Stephen Hawking. Now that he’s dead, that feeling is even stronger
*shotguns bottle of hot sauce*
*checks mirror*
Is it working yet?
Me: My wife and I finish each others sentences
Judge: No
When I meet someone new I always determine if they’d be an ally or food, in the event of a zombie apocalypse.
Physicist: *pounds fist* None of our models predicted this!
Cindy Crawford: What did you expect? My major was Chemical Engineering.
Me: I got a job interview next week.
Wife: Great news. You should update your wardrobe.
Me: Okay.. *to the wardrobe* I got a job interview next week.
Excited for my new sour patch kids diet. I think this is the one
Watching all these killer whales attacking boats is giving me an orcasm. I’m sorry.
INTERVIEWER: this says u work well with otters. Did u mean others?
ME (shoving a romp of otters back into my briefcase): haha yeah of course
You don’t have to drive me crazy, I’m close enough to walk.
Why is there only 50 shades of grey? Why not 5,000? What’s stopping them?
Dear Diary,
I went back to the gym for the first time since before the holidays today. Struggling to remember what it is I’m supposed to do here. I took a bite out of a dumbbell and that wasn’t right, but I’m close. I can feel it.
Me: “How much for your top of the line masturbation chamber?” Sales person: “You mean the shower stall?”
Having a teenager is fun because the voice in my head that questions everything I do now has a friend
Me: *looking in my closet* I have nothing to wear
Murderer: *cramped inside* agree to disagree
Megan, but with an H? Whatever you say, girls named Hmegan.
Once while eating bacon I said I was “getting piggy with it” and now I have no friends.
And I don’t want to hear people from imaginary places like Finland telling me that 57 degrees isn’t cold, save it for the elves, Santa
I’m not saying that I’m clueless. But I just realized that the guy that told me 8 years ago “I don’t like your pants, you should take them off *wink* ” was flirting with me.
(it starts to rain)
worms: the revolution has begun.
“Be careful when you follow the Masses.
Sometimes the ‘M’ is silent.”