@RandiLawson

I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.

We are going to watch tv.

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@MarcusTheToken

*Does one sit-up. Whispers to self.

“That’ll do pig. That’ll do.”

@saraheliza83

Kill them with kindness, you say?

*slowly and sadly puts down bazooka*

@IncrediblyRich

Saw Helena Bonham Carter walking down Wardour Street earlier looking every inch the mystical vagabond. Was tempted to rub her head for luck.

@bazecraze

Me: this meeting could’ve been an email.

Also me: (gets an email) Goddammit.

@tararose711

Pro tip: never tell a three-year-old that you’re going to Disney unless you plan on leaving that very second.

@JohnLyonTweets

I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.

@checkyourfox

I’m sorry I got you birth control for Christmas and said it was my gift to the world.

@HenpeckedHal

Today my carelessness made someone late for work. He could lose his job, his home. Sir, if you’re reading this, I can’t replace the extra .74 seconds you sat at that green light, but your honk–still echoing in my soul–serves as a harsh reminder that my actions have consequences

@Douchekevin

Wife said she was ‘retaining water’ and I said I’d wondered who drained the swimming pool.

Been 4 days and I’m still hiding in the attic

@JJSummertime

My turd eating dog just spit out something I cooked if anyone wants to come to dinner.