Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The world’s oldest person has died. Now they’ll be looking for a replacement, but if you’re offered the job, turn it down. It’s highly dangerous and there are way too many fatalities.

CEO: Long lines. Bad parking. No shade. Crying kids. $7.00 drinks. We need a good name.

ETHAN: How about “amusement park”?

CEO: [under breath] Genius

My husband thinks it’s embarrassing when I sing to my tomato plants when the neighbors are outside. But I think it’s embarrassing he doesn’t.

HERE’S MARKY

Two wolves? Cute. I’ve got 8 pieces of pizza in me

My wife: hey I’m gonna go get a Brazilian

Me: you can just buy them?

“Hey buddy, you wanna buy a harmonica?” I opened my coat and got hit by a gust of wind, making the worst sound in the world

I feel sorry for all those girls bragging that they don’t have a gag reflex. They’ll probably die choking on an Olive Garden bread stick.

going to bed

When McDonalds drive thru say they ain’t got what you want but youre stuck in the line- is this the walk of mcshame?

Me: But Halloween is the one day a year you get to be anybody you want

Jury at my Identify Theft Trial: [impressed whispering]

Italians keep plastic on their couches because it’s easier to clean up the murder scene

Do zombies go to heaven when they die?

I hope so.

There’s lots of nice people up there to eat.

(before sex)

*sings national anthem

waiter: need help with the menu?

me: yes, what’s this word here

waiter: the name of the restaurant, sir

me: and how is that prepared

I want to be the person in every McDonald’s whose job is to sit on the sandwiches just before they go into the bag.

therapist: so what’s the problem?
me: i have crippling self-doubt
therapist: are you sure?
me: …
therapist: …
me: no

“Can you explain the gap in your resume?”

“Sure are you familiar with not getting jobs?”

DATING TIP: When your crush texts you, win them over by playing hard to get. Throw your phone in a river. Change your name. Move to Belgium.

Sometimes I wonder how such beautiful kids can really be mine.

Then my 4-year-old opens a door and runs into the door frame.

Then I know.

Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like BBs, rub one ball & everything moves.

Ruin a Tolstoy novel by changing 587287 words

Told my daughter that whoever takes the longest nap gets to choose what’s for dinner.

And now we wait.

Just text my husband to tell him he left his phone behind & someone is calling him.

And now someone’s texting him.

that’s me in the corner, that’s me using Microsoft Word, losing my revision

Just watched The Hobbit: The Battle to Stay Awake for What Felt Like Five Hours.

Got introduced to a person at work then immediately forgot his name, so now I have to hire a private investigator to follow him home and find out his name because I am a guy and guys will never admit we forgot your name

A sloth just poked me to see if I was still alive, so don’t talk to me about your Netflix asking you if you’re still watching.

Paris Hilton is worried ISIS will target her because she’s famous. Paris Hilton doesn’t realize that ISIS didn’t exist in 2004.

[first date]

Him: Why are you being so distant?

Me: Why didn’t you order a side of guacamole?