I’m sorry…
…but Cujo did NOT go to heaven.
You Might Also Like
Legend has it that if you don’t look a coworker in the eye they won’t stop to tell you about their weekend.
LOOOOOOL
king kong winces in agony after stepping on a lego store
When I bend down to feed the cat she leaps onto my back.When I try to stand back up it’s the saddest tiny rodeo you’ve ever seen.
No vegetables were harmed in the making of tonight’s dinner.
Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.
Random person: How are you?
Me: you too.
ME: I did it! I finished that project!
IMMUNE SYSTEM: good job!
ME: time for a nice break
IMMUNE SYSTEM: me too
ME: haha yeah
ME: wait
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
Scotland……because even the Romans needed to meet a group of people that made them say “Nah…just build a wall and keep an eye on em”
My first class ticket to the weekend never arrived, so I went couch.
Funny that all this nonsense just stayed in people’s heads before Twitter came along.
‘I want to see other families.’
~Me, saying grace at Thanksgiving
me: i think the leg needs to be amputated.
doctor: don’t worry it’s just a mosquito bite.
me: i know but it’s so itchy.
To me, being Single means never having to apologize..
Unless someone drops by my disgusting house unannounced
I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?
~ me 30 minutes into dieting
LOL!
Waiter: and for you?
Me: *after rehearsing in my head for 15 minutes* the chimney changas
if I eat the entire box of girl scout cookies at once then I’ll only hate myself one time instead of each time I eat them do the math sweetie
Cartoon orange juice is just pulp fiction
9: Mommy can I have a treat?
Me: It’s close to bedtime so no
9: A tiny piece?
Me: No
9: A molecule? An atom?!
Me: I’m glad you’re paying attention in Science but no. Not even a quark or neutrino
9: Is that a donut?
Why does my computer sound like it’s mining bitcoin whenever i open a browser
Sees friend from highschool. Gives friend a big hug. Refuses to let go of friend. Becomes siamese friends.
If anyone needs an ark, I Noah guy.
Me: Any Costco requests?
Husband, who is out of deodorant, toothpaste, and work snacks: Nope, I’m good.
her: i only date woke guys
me: [trying to impress] i have insomnia
Exorcist: I’m here to remove the demon that has possessed you
Me: I didn’t call you
Demon: I did
9: *talks about Minecraft*
Me: *hears white noise* cool
9: *eyes narrow* which part was the coolest
Me: *eyes narrow* the part…
9:
Me: …with the…
9:
Me: *sweating*…ender dragon
9:
Me:
9: cool
Me: cool
Per Wikipedia, there are two kinds of scorpions. One can sting and kill you like a spider, the other can sing and rock you like a hurricane
Caught myself staring into the medicine cabinet like I do with the refrigerator.