Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Okay… Time for bed.

Brain: Cool.

Me:

Brain:

Me:

Brain: If you had a pterodactyl, would you name him Terry… or Perry??

my recent google searches:

— how to colour your own hair

— how to fix a bad dye job

— Wigs By Tiffani

— hats

— making the most of your time in isolation

Yes, I said I was sorry and that I’d do anything to win you back. But that was before you told me you needed a ride to the airport at 5am.

At this stage in my life, I’m chasing a fly in the apartment with my pants around my ankles. All of my decisions in life led to this moment.

If I was a marriage counselor, I would make the couple each use ANY dating app for 2 minutes.

Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.

I still have dents in my head from sleeping in hair curlers

One time, in a restaurant, a dude from a rival gang threw a steak at me, so I threw a lobster at him and we got into a huge surf and turf war.

Boss: this project is moving along at a snail’s pace!!

*silence*

Todd the snail: This is bullshit

*spends 3hrs storming out of meeting*

My 5yo didn’t wanna get in the bath last night so I told her it was filled with birthday water and this was her only chance to experience it until her next bday and I’ve never seen her get in the bath faster. Now if you don’t mind, I’m gonna ride this parenting high for a bit.

I am going to learn to astral project or I’m going to sleep trying.

“911 what’s ur emergency”
This guy’s not breathing
“Did u send him ur vibes?”
Yes I been sending em
“I’m sending some too”
Okay he good now

[first day at prestigious culinary school]

“I don’t see this on the syllabus, but when do we cover French regional microwave cuisine?”

Me: *holds up my phone showing my tweet has a total of 6 favorites*

Bouncer: you still can’t go in

my life really started to turn around once i had a microwave installed in the bathroom

me: start from the beginning? oh, ok. Well, God created the heavens and the earth. And the earth was without form…

Police investigator: no, no, from just before your car got rear-ended

“it must’ve gone to my spam folder” and other lies I tell at work

A woman on tiktok joked her house was haunted and then was digging in her backyard to build a firepit and came across a rug buried 2.5 feet deep and was urged to call police who sent 2 cadaver dogs and they both signaled for a dead body and now half her yard’s a crime scene

New smartphone: $1,000
Monthly fees: $200
Data overages: $75

Never talking to anyone:

Priceless.

My 4yo told me to hold her baby as she walked away with her dad. My 4yo left me in a restaurant alone with a fake baby in my arms. I should’ve put the the baby down, but I didn’t. I just held it like a real baby. Why? Idk why. Parenthood is wild.

Could you play us a song?

Cat Stevens: Maybe.

*Sets guitar on table*

Cat Stevens: *Maintains eye contact-slowly pushes guitar off table*

it is so crazy how many hours are actually in a day when u wake up before 11:30 am…..wow………do people know about this

Why pay for therapy when the lady in the Starbucks drive thru window is willing to listen to you venti?

Scheduled an appointment with a trauma specialist to help me address some of the shit I’ve gone through. She’s quite expensive but I think if I don’t do this I’ll probably die so if you’re interested in buying a painting that would be awesome. Check the Insta link in my bio

i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective

Accidentally left my shopping list on the kitchen bench so had to rely on memory. Came home with a tub of icecream & a pony.

good let them take over I have had enough

Me, reading some of your tweets

Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow

Is professional slap fighting still a thing or is all that training I went through being a little brother still useless?