I’m sorry but did they sacrifice a human sized pop tart on live tv or was that a fever dream
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Every. Damn. Time.
My son got mad unfollowed me… I disconnected his phone.
-I win
I don’t really WANT to make bad choices; but I got here late and all the good choices were already taken.
“Because I got high” is actually a song about pilots, who go to high altitudes in their planes every day, and have good reason for not doing all those things in the song.
You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.
Establish dominance at the dentist by trying to swallow everything they put in your mouth
Apparently ‘gravy’ is not an acceptable answer to the question, “What would you like to drink with your meal?”.
Just as a wedding ring tells others you’re married,
the mysterious brown stain on my shirt and rogue booger in my hair says “I’m a mom”.
“Huge”.
When I was a kid I vowed that when I grew up my freezer would always be filled with ice cream bars.
Meet my wife, the dream killer.
Free will is good, but free pizza is better.
“I mean if you do the math the most weight I can really gain from the pound of pumpkin pie I ate tonight is only one pound” I thought fatly.
*travels back to 1930’s*
okay and that’s why you’ve got to kill hitler
FBI: wait so you can just look at naked lady videos anytime you want
As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.
[texting old friend I only hung out with cuz they had a trampoline] do u still got that trampoline
Grandpa: Look at you, shivering and hiding under the covers like a four year old. It was just a ghost story, no different than the ones I always told.
Me: BUT YOU’VE BEEN DEAD FOR 41 YEARS!
Ludacris: put your money where your mouth is
CDC: please don’t
BEYONCE: do u like my album
JAY: [thinking to self] if anyone hears this i’ll be ruined
JAY: [out loud] we should make it a tidal exclusive
People who call themselves “grammar Nazis” deserve the worst possible sentence.
4yo: Can I have some more Easter candy?
Me: After lunch
4yo: I want lunch right now. I’m starving!!
Me: We just ate breakfast
4yo: Starving!
doctor: you want a note to get out of work?
me: please
doctor: [writing] you’re… fired…
Calling a movie “Psycho” ruins the surprise because you know there’s going to be a psycho in it. It should have been called “Normal, Maybe”
If you ever wanted to watch another human take 20 minutes to eat 1 slice of bread because all of a sudden they were soo hungry, then kid bedtime™️ might be right for you
I heard many of these stories growing up…. 😂😂😂
2yo: daddy play with me!
Me: okay!!
2yo: *points* sit right here.
Me: okay.
2yo: NO DADDY DON’T SIT THERE!
Me: okay.
2yo: DON’T SAY OKAY!
Me: okayyyyyyy.
Proud to announce I’ve made Forbes’ “7 Billion under 7 Billion” this year
[first date]
him, a cop: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
Life is what happens when you’re busy choosing a filter for what already happened in life.
Why do we say “say it don’t spray it” and not “stop talking spit”?
Bruce Banner: You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry
Me: I don’t like you now