I’m sorry but divorce stories aren’t specific enough. If I sat through 3 slideshows of your wedding shoes I want details. How long did he let that saucepan “soak”.
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Our fifteen year old just spent most of dinner trying to explain to me why no one is really successful unless they are an “influencer” and then I strongly influenced him to go to bed.
Why did God make Trolls World Tour so hard to say?
My kid gave me 75 cents for being her mom, so either we need to work on math or I’m a really shitty parent
When you wish upon a star your feet burst into flame and you realize it was a dumb place to stand.
toddler: crying (why am i up)
me: i have no idea you should be napping
toddler: (who woke me up)
me: literally nothing & no one
toddler: (why do i have to stay awake)
me: you don’t please do not
toddler: (i am stressed)
me: you could not have fewer commitments or responsibilities
Priests should not have to live in a state of forced celibacy, but be free to marry and let celibacy slowly descend upon them the usual way.
Find someone who holds onto you as tightly as the twitter algorithm does that subject you clicked on once 6 months ago
I like when the doctor says nice things about me (cool shoes) and I don’t like when the doctor says mean things about me (bad cholesterol, need more exercise, drink less, actually the shoes suck)
Show everyone in the room you are thirsty by making a ‘muuaah’ sound every time someone kisses on the television!
All those years of karate training wasted …
I’ve never once had to paint a fence or wax a car ….
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires so, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly…
Smoke detector: IS THAT A FIRE I SMELL
Me: No I’m making baco-
Smoke detector: IM A HERO
*fakes headache to get out of work*
*updates resume with “proficient at adapting previously learned skills to new tasks”*
I showed my husband a list of home improvement projects we could start this weekend, and after looking it over, he decided to stay in a hotel.
ME: I don’t know if I’m ready for this…emotionally.
CHIPOTLE EMPLOYEE: You have to order something or get out of the line.
I want to be the woman in the neighborhood rumored to be a witch that eats children.
My idea to call our weekend bicycling group the “Pedalphiles” was not well-received AT ALL.
Still waiting for the day I can illegally download groceries
A teacher is always just one loud fart away from losing control of a classroom.
Fruit and urinal give a bad name to cakes everywhere.
You’ve attempted to log into your online subscription of Psychology Today, please prove you’re not an imposter.
“We are Three Percenters. We are everywhere.”
If you are only 3% you cant be everywhere.
It literally says so in your name.
Whoever decided on spelling “biscuit” really needs to get their shuit together.
I’m an engineer and each morning when I load up my cargo pockets with my tools I pretend I’m holstering my weapons before going to get revenge for the murder of my wife, I don’t even have a wife
Kudos to Google for starting a company before you could Google, “How to start a company?”
If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…
Me: *buys a meal for one*
Everyone: Aw that poor lonely guy.Me: *buys a meal for two*
Everyone: Ew that fat lonely guy.
Lord, give me the confidence and attitude of my toddler at dance class. Amen
My wife made me coffee this morning & winked at me when she handed me the cup. I’ve never been more scared of a drink in all of my life.
They should sell edibles at the airport with the slogan “make every flight a red eye”. This would make approximately 600 billion dollars