I’m sorry but divorce stories aren’t specific enough. If I sat through 3 slideshows of your wedding shoes I want details. How long did he let that saucepan “soak”.
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I don’t want to say I’m naïve, but two women asked me to come to their hotel and make a sandwich, and I showed up with a griddle, bread, and 3 kinds of cheese
*Britney Spears releases a new fragrance*
*the other dinner guests look embarrassed and pretend not to notice.*
Going to start punching people in the face who say fight me. Words mean things, Paul.
It is 87 degrees outside and I am melting in this courtroom. I said, “Judge may we approach?” Co-counsel and I walk to the bench and I said, “Your Honor my 51 years is showing. I am about to faint it is so hot.” Judge, “Oh. My bad. I had a chill. I flipped the heat on.”
You did what sir?!
Bought some expensive neck cream.
Directions say to apply it twice daily.
If I slather it on every hour, I’ll have the neck of a teen.
HER: i love mythology
ME: *sensing an opportunity* i love your thology too
[tries to blow a kiss]
Kiss: I have a boyfriend
[DOG COP TV DRAMA]
DOG SHERIFF: Drop the gun, Scruffy. Be a good boy!
SCRUFFY: I know a little secret *lifts gun* All dogs go to Heaven.
incredible book dedication
i prefer to think of myself as less “bad at running” and more “really good at running 13 minute miles
US: you need to build credit to show you are responsible with money
me: ok so my credit score will improve if i pay off a debt?
US: lmao
me: ?
US: are you serious
Open heart surgery? No, just rip it out.
Me: Yells at my kids to stop wasting water.
Also me: Washes same load of laundry three times.
Waitress: need anything else?
Me: yes, a cup of black coffee.
W: and how would u like your coffee?
M: uhhh..black and in a cup?
whenever i see sombody obsessively taking photos of the sunset, i go up to them & whisper “dont worry.. the sun is gonna come back tomorow”
Grandma: sorry you guys were busy last night we had such a great—
Kids: we weren’t busy last—
Me: shoves grandma into car
*brings elephant to knife fight
*nobody talks about it
Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.
PSA: If your kid bumps into me one more time with your shopping cart I will unhinge my jaw and swallow him whole.
An accountant who disappears with all his client’s money is a math magician.
My sense of direction can only be described as unacceptable.
My dad, who was a nurse, told my mum he would absolutely not take take toddler me to the nurse’s strike picket lines and got busted when my Auntie Sue rang to tell my mum that I was on the 6 o’clock news on my dad’s shoulders, waving a little placard.
Day 20. Still lost at sea. Crew thinks I know how to plot a course with a protractor. I just like making it walk on the map. Pointy Leg Man.
Is this waiter flirting with me because they just handed me a piece of paper that says ME N U
Crypto is over. This is the year of cryptic currency. Pay for your groceries with a mumbled prophecy and a cursed stone.
Not having any friends means I’m always the pretty one.
If you see a glass as half empty, pour it into a smaller glass.
You didn’t say I couldn’t fill the jacuzzi with mac and cheese
Step aside coffee, this is a job for alcohol.