Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The perfect sticker placement doesn’t exi-

WIFE: You promised not to spend the lottery winnings on something stupid

ME: *climbing off my new elephant* He has a name, Karen

Text to Hubs:
If it’s not too much trouble can you get me a bottle of wine and a fuzzy blanket?

Hubs:
You’re literally sitting next to me.

[commercial]
Narrator: These are real people and not actors-

Actor watching the commercial: *throws lamp at TV* WE’RE PEOPLE TOO!

My bank messaged me saying ” Stay healthy, stay safe”.
I replied “you too.”

Because it is Friday I will allow one beautiful woman to purchase me a glass of milk

“Deb, every year I tell you I don’t want to do a holiday card, you tell me it will be fine, and then Junior does something obnoxious in the photo that you claim is ‘cute.’ And look, we’re right on schedule.”

4: Let’s play.

Me: Ok.

4: You can be the mommy.

Me: Sure.

4: You’ll have to figure out what all the kids eat.

Me: Nope, I’m out.

wife: what time is it

me, trying to set the world record for longest anyone has gone without bending their elbows: you know I can’t see my watch

I do this awesome move at the dance club with my shoulders where i slump them down and go back to my hotel and violently masturbate

her: what are you, like, six feet?

me: *muffled foot noises*

*wife hangs a “No Diving” sign above the tub like that’s going to stop me*

Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.

You’re born, you grow up, you start listening to a Pink Floyd song, you get married, have kids, you die, the song hasn’t finished.

The waitstaff is making TikTok’s with my food at this restaurant I can see them doing it please I’m starving

Before you say you want to be treated like a king or queen, just remember that a lot of them were beheaded.

My housemates are convinced our house is haunted.

I’ve lived here over
250 years and haven’t noticed anything strange.

Can Happiness buy money?

2020 feels like trying to jog while both of your feet are asleep.

Eeeekkk go for it 😂😂

6: Mommy, why is that man wearing his baseball cap backwards?

Me: Because he was alive in the 1990s, sweetheart

I went with 4 to the supermarket and she insisted on pushing the trolley. Every time I went to help she yelled at me so I’d just like to apologise to the 382 people she injured while we were there

True love doesn’t care about the look or size of your wallet, it’s all about what is inside ….. the wallet.

one time I saw a doc RUNNING in the hospital and I was like omg what’s the emergency and they were like DIARRHEA and I was like omg who and they were like ME

I cheat on my taxes by sleeping with other people’s taxes.

If they stop texting back you need to assume they’ve died and move on. If you see them out just smile because you ain’t afraid of no ghost

told my husband I was going to start eating healthy again and he went and bought girl scout cookies like someone who doesn’t value his life

A child will either brush their teeth for 3 seconds or for 15 minutes.

The Proclaimers claim they would walk 500 miles, only offering 500 more after the fact simply to exceed predetermined expectations.

Vanessa Carlton, on the other hand, offers the full 1000 miles up front in one lump sum, even AFTER making her way downtown.

In this essay, I will

There we are, nodding away when my kid’s swim instructor gives her exercises to work on at home, like the big ol’ liars we are.