I’m sorry but every time I see the words “Lord Pickles” I think they’re talking about a very fancy cat.
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I’m extremely good at being so close to getting a prediction right.
I’m like an Almostradamus.
*hands out cups of all purpose flour to marathon runners*
Whenever anyone smiles at me, I change all my passwords.
Back away slowly from the uncaffeinated woman.
hey I just met you
and this is crazy
but I’m going to argue with another stranger in your mentions
for hours maybe
UBER DRIVER: it gets dark so early now
ME: please open your eyes
I disagree with my politics
me: so.. you know how you sometimes misplace stuff
wife: where’s the baby
ME: [riding a horse on a carousel] weeeeee!
AIRLINE SECURITY: [into radio] god dammit, he’s back and he brought a horse with him this time
The bear scene from The Revenant, except it’s just me opening a jar of pickles
It was midnight. I was alone and online with a lot of available credit. I saw an ad for boots. The perfect storm began. I bought shoes, a bra, 11 pounds of tomato sauce, a life-size elephant inflatable, and two used cars.
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever is chasing me
[painting a picture of the last supper]
“Who’s that?”
“Darth Vader.”
“Was he 1 of Jesus disciples?”
“I dunno, I’ve only seen the 1st movie.”
Some cultures fear that when someone takes your photograph they steal your soul.
You should be fine, though.
ME: The kids have ruined their shoes
WIFE: Again? [sighs] Just throw them out[Later]
ME: Stop crying kids, your mum says you have to leave
okay run it by me one more time
Just played that Facebook game where an app tells you what state you’re best suited to be in and I was disappointed it didn’t say unconscious.
When our children are on their own and off our medical insurance, we’re going to take that extra money and buy Fiji.
Am sitting in horrible traffic, but fortunately someone is beeping their horn so we should be on the move soon.
*checks kid’s backpack*
*finds papers from September and a liquefied banana*
*zips backpack and walks away*
Interviewer: Can you explain this 5-year gap on your resume?
Me: That’s when I didn’t have a job. Do you not know how resumes work?
I be like “I gotta drink more water” then take one little sippy sip and then give the rest to my house plants
A co-worker just used the word “elderly” to describe someone my age and that’s why I had to kill her.
Today, I want to talk about white couches and why ignoring the conventional wisdom was a terrible, avoidable mistake, Annie.
*5yo curses incessantly after falling.*
*Me realizing where he got it from: 😬*
Hubby: “Are there any trophy stores open? You deserve a mother of the year award.”
spicy snake
“GUYS! GET UP! THE HOME INVASION ALARM IS GOING OFF AGAIN!”
~My dog when the doorbell rings
me: hey what’s your ring size
her: omg why
me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future
my wife said she was trash, so i said that must make me an opossum, and i think we just renewed our vows
The eta apple maps gives you when your driving somewhere is based on how long it would take to get there if the world had one car and it was all yours