Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A cactus is just a cucumber going through a punk phase.

I counted the yard signs in my neighborhood, and “ADT Home Security” is going to win in a landslide.

Why is it always cooking on Saturday Kitchen? Why don’t they mop the floor or stick a wash on, or something?

My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy…so I came back drunk.

wife *sees chair* [thinking] That would look great with the new rug in the living room
me *sees chair* [thinking] Chair

Me: [has trouble opening up to people and making real, lasting connections my entire life]

My Kid: [makes 3 new friends and joins a gang on his first day of 4th grade]

Zooey Deschanel always looks like she’s been shown a card trick

Me: How many would be the equivalent?

Salesman: Sir, I don’t think-

Me: Look, I don’t own a horse.
I have no idea how strong a horse is. Horsepower means nothing to me. What’s the pissed off cat power in this baby?

Watching my husband try to get off the phone with “talkers”is like watching a fly trapped in our house, desperately trying to escape but repeatedly bumping into a closed window.

Man Derives Depressing Amount Of Pride From Hometown Burger Chain

Her: It wasn’t all bad. There were good times, right?

Me: Yeah my mom took me to Legoland once when I was 12.

Her: I meant good times with us.

Me: Oh lmao absolutely not.

Heath: I’m Heath

Heather: I’m Heather

Me, competitive: I’m Heathest

“Bob’s coming over”
Bob from work or Bob who thinks he’s a cop?
*knock on door* OPEN UP, POLICE
*flushing drugs down toilet* “Bob from work”

Pro Tip: when someone knocks on the door of bathroom you’re occupying, yell “CASH ONLY”

I’ve been walking on eggshells at work lately. My employer claims it’s cheaper than installing new carpeting.

I’m already getting anxious over Christmas due to my Santa Claustrophobia-the fear of being smothered in an elevator by a crowd of Santas.

Me: Yay! No more periods!

Menopause: Wait, here’s a beard.

I need the type of burger that you’d hide from your life insurance company

A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.

You can say whatever you want in front of your kids until they learn to talk, then you gotta button that shit up. They’ll rat you out in a second

GOOD LORD WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE oh wait it’s just the tile pattern

I wish people would move over a bit in their selfies. We’re redecorating a bathroom and looking for ideas.

i’m a 10 (tion deficit)

Why do people draw sunglasses on the sun? It’s like, dude, he’s the sun. They make sunglasses because of him.

maybe leonardo dicaprio hated 9/11 so much that he can’t even date women who remember it. did that even occur to you

I’m explaining to my mom this is what happens when a goth girl wished for global annihilation as she blew out her birthday candles.

gift cards are like i want you to buy what you want but from where i want

*Santa lifts a rug while sweeping and finds a dusty, crumpled note*
“Please keep my family safe, love Bruce Wayne.”
*Santa grows very pale*

to revive an exhausted bee, leave out a little bit of sugar mixed with water
to revive an exhausted wasp, give it a cigarette and ask it if it really believes that god can kill it

(Final maths exam)

Q: what are the two small horizontal parallel lines?
a) double negative
b) equals
c) eleven fell over