Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

lil red riding hood: the Internet told me there are two wolves inside of you

granny: *sweating* haha what I don’t even have one haha who reads things on the Internet

I think I speak for everyone when I say how dare you, Oreo serving size, how dare you.

Nice try Jehovah’s witnesses, but dressing up like the police and saying you have a warrant isn’t going to get me to come to the door.

Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– I wouldn’t let the dog drive him to daycare
– the bath was “too wet”
– he wanted syrup for breakfast…just syrup
– his sister “keeps looking at him”
– he wants shoes like his friend Jacob (there is no Jacob)

How about your kid?

Waiting for the Charmin

I always watch Goldeneye before cooking a microwave meal…

Not many people know this but if you just start crying, the customer service rep will just do what you asked

“I like to think I trained the toilet. It didn’t teach me anything”

11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything

My wife used to make meals that would make Martha Stewart jealous. Then she joined Twitter…

Now I’m lucky if she buys cereal.

my cousin went to pride years ago and threw up on someone on a ferris wheel- fast forward 10 years, him and his husband were talking about pride and his husband told him a story about when he was thrown up on at pride- my cousin threw up on his husband 5 years before they met

*watching Goodfellas for the first time* These fellas are morally grey at BEST

To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…

Me, dressed as Zeus: Release the kraken!

Son, *from his holding cell*: Just bail me out. Why are you like this?

I feel so bad every time I startle an introvert. Please come back

Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise

Congratulations to all the people currently in a coma, well played.

[first date]
{don’t let him know you’re a psychic}
{don’t let her know you’re a psychic}
{we’re both psychic?}
{yeah}
{cool let’s bang}
{k}

[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”

[rap battle]

Opponent: *crushes it*

Me: Oh, I… umm. I thought this was something else… *hastily hides plastic wrap behind back*

My daughter just described someone as “looking like she was drawn from memory” and I think that’s the best insult I’ve ever heard.

I know I sound like a broken record but tomorrow I’ll sound like a misfiring engine and, next week, continuous loud television static.

Me: Congrats! I heard you got married again

Her: Sorry I didn’t invite you. It was a small ceremony

Me: Its ok. I’ll go to your next one

wife: go see if the baby sleeping

*walks into baby’s room*

baby: corporations exploit our
insecurities for profit

me: no babe she woke af

Oh, you’re Happy? Name the other 6 Dwarves

3-year-old is weeping because my husband hurt her feelings. Turns out he told her she can’t eat heaping spoonfuls of butter. Incredibly hurtful.

To someone this means ‘A new start’. To everyone else, it doesn’t.

God I hate condescending assholes!

(Condescending is like when smart people talk down to you to try and make you feel stupid)

I can’t remember why I walked into this room, but if you need to know the phone number of my best friend from fourth grade, I’m your gal.

“You are now about to witness the STRENGTH of street knowledge,” I tell my Über passengers as I turn off my GPS.