@avesss18

I’m sorry but I CANNOT believe that the verified Nickelodeon TikTok posted this

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@Phook75

As I drop my child off to her first day of school it reminds me of how my mom dropped me off as well…except mom was ticketed for littering

@hipsterocracy

People shit on Columbus like they’ve never knocked on the wrong door and then murdered the people inside and lived there.

@brentalfloss

1942: How can we beat the Nazis?
1968: How can we go to the moon?
2006: How can a phone be a supercomputer?
2016: How can we beat the Nazis?

@iTweetNShit

$2000 date? We better be sitting at the table with Jay-Z and Obama at the same time while eating dinosaurs & sippin’ on virgin Indian tears.

@k_lli

Social butterfly? Nah.

I’m more like a social Sasquatch. Some people swear they’ve seen me, but no one really believes them.

@maughammom

Either my daughter has pink glitter in her hair or head lice is way more fabulous than I remember.

@weinerdog4life

I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around

@WoodyLuvsCoffee

STAYCATION DAY 1:
Filled the birdbath with Nescafé just to see the startled look on those vagrant House Finches.

@Reverend_Scott

BOSS: I set up a Suggestion Box. Please don’t hesitate to-

ME: [staring directly at boss while slowly stuffing cream cheese bagel into box]