I’m sorry but I CANNOT believe that the verified Nickelodeon TikTok posted this

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As I drop my child off to her first day of school it reminds me of how my mom dropped me off as well…except mom was ticketed for littering


People shit on Columbus like they’ve never knocked on the wrong door and then murdered the people inside and lived there.


1942: How can we beat the Nazis?
1968: How can we go to the moon?
2006: How can a phone be a supercomputer?
2016: How can we beat the Nazis?


$2000 date? We better be sitting at the table with Jay-Z and Obama at the same time while eating dinosaurs & sippin’ on virgin Indian tears.


Social butterfly? Nah.

I’m more like a social Sasquatch. Some people swear they’ve seen me, but no one really believes them.


Either my daughter has pink glitter in her hair or head lice is way more fabulous than I remember.


I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around


Filled the birdbath with Nescafé just to see the startled look on those vagrant House Finches.


BOSS: I set up a Suggestion Box. Please don’t hesitate to-

ME: [staring directly at boss while slowly stuffing cream cheese bagel into box]