I’m sorry but I CANNOT believe that the verified Nickelodeon TikTok posted this
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I always answer “I know” when folks say “Nice to see you”.
I think it’s only polite to acknowledge their good fortune.
internal pockets are for perverts. stay chaste by only using cargo pockets
Give me the nuclear codes. No one would expect me to have them
took my mom to detective pikachu she said she liked the “garlic pokemon”
Hey I just met you…
And this is Crazy…
But this is a nice restaurant…
So, Silence your baby!
My dog and I play this game, it’s called What Are You Chewing On Now?… it goes both ways
I do not hit my children. However, I do text them in complete sentences with capitalization and punctuation, which is apparently equally aggressive.
Under the age of one, babies primarily drink milk, but may supplement their diet with all the crumbs they find on the floor even though you swear you just vacuumed.
I still close the bathroom door when I’m home alone bc I don’t want the murderer to break in and see me on the toilet.
If your new boyfriend carved your initials into a tree on your first date, let the fact he brought a knife be a sign of things to come.
Cop: where ya headed?
“the gym”
Cop: im gonna save you a lot of embarrassment and arrest you
“thank you so much, officer”
To see more unmatched reporting, visit
All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they’re being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.
the most important thing i learned from kermit the frog is that you can have a pretty good life without ever putting on pants
Me: Can you tell the girl in the white dress I think she’s hot?
Priest: Absolutely not
Went to Target to buy a ball for Scrappy and walked out with a cart full toys for him and Julio, now they’re fighting over the boxes.
My kid: “I want the new iPad like my friends, everyone has them”
Me: “And I want to vacation in Hawaii..disappointing day all around huh?”
11: He shoots for her coffee. He SCORES! HE’S…
Me: Grounded.
When I go into a gas station I always make sure I look cute and whistful because it’ll be the last footage people see of me if I get abducted and go missing. They’ll be crying, “her hair was on point 😭😭😭” “of course she got a Dr Pepper 😭 classic Summer”
saw a couple walking into trader joe’s and the girl said “wow look at all the pretty flowers” and the guy replied “oh yeah it must be flower season” please pray for him
You’d think I was wanted for murder the way I react when someone knocks on my door..
Me: I’m loving this, look at us, we’re practically finishing each other’s….
Her: …Fries ?
Me: Yeah, we’re done here!
when dads have a rap battle
Hey cell phone companies who play smooth jazz hold music hoping I’ll lose interest and give up: yeah, it’s kinda working
Oh you “like women?” Cool, name three of their early works.
[first date that up until now is going extremely well]
date: it’s nice to finally meet a normal guy
me: my dog’s name is jeff
Birthday Card Discreetly Passed Around Office Like Some Sort Of Covert CIA Operation
I was looking at my phone and tripped over the dog and we’re both laying in the floor looking at my phone.
M: Yes, I’m here for the complimentary wine tasting.
Priest: Ma’am, this is a church service.
M: Oh, no worries. I can wait.
As soon as I figure out what an unto is, I’ll consider doing it to others.