I’m sorry but I CANNOT believe that the verified Nickelodeon TikTok posted this
You Might Also Like
💀
the lamestream media wants you to call them “pigeons”. but CRIME BIRDS are terrorizing our cities: stealing wifi, causing sunspots, downloading cars
Pro tip: Make sure your email to the HR lady doesn’t say she seems too busty to handle your issues
Crazy to think back before camera phones we all used to sit in front of bathroom mirrors with sketch pads.
Instagram now has video! I’m going to film the hell out of this salad!
Bscape Enyone Aan Can Have
Ever worry that spiders have 8 slippers to slap you with?
Pretty sure it’s easier to break a person out of a maximum security prison than break a Barbie doll out of its package.
Boy, there sure are a lot of lonely people on twitter, which is weird because we’re all so pleasant
a guy told me his name was Drazen earlier and he did not appreciate me asking if that was short for dried raisin
My 13yo likes to remind me that he’s taller than me, and I like to remind him I’m the one who signs his permission slips to do the fun things at school.
I’m thankful my wife harvested over $100,000 in potatoes on Farmville while I ate a grilled cheese for dinner & am sleeping on dirty laundry
And then grandma said “my, what big hands you have”
Redheads are an endangered species, I think that every city should have a petting party for them at least once a week.
~quits job, buys RV
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
Girl: that’s a fine-tooth comb
Guy: *combing teeth* thanks
Your Twitter audience
Expectations vs. Reality
I just want to be rich enough to stop giving people toilet paper for Christmas
[Driving]
*Sees a McDonald’s*
*Thinks coffee*
*Also thinks Sausage Egg McMuffin Meal so that coffee doesn’t get lonely in my tummy*
Take one positive friend and one negative friend with you on your next road trip. That way when your battery dies, you can hook cables to them and start your car
Me:*about to chop vegetables, picks up a knife,*. That’s not a knife.
*picks up a larger knife,* Now that’s a knife!
Husband: You’re starting to loose your mind a little over there Crocodile Dundee.
Pork is awesome, but it’s best when used as a verb.
My 5yr old eats chicken wings with the precision of a hitman cleaning his rifle.
When my wife sends me to the grocery store solo with a specific list I am not allowed to improvise. That was made clear when I got home.
somethings never fade away, like a memory of your first dog, or that line on your stomach after you sit for too long.
her: did you know makeup expires?
me: *spits mine out* what
Skeletons are the least impressive monster because almost every other monster is a monster AND a skeleton.
Day 65: My dog still insists on acting happy to see people despite my example and training
Me: *on the TV show “House Hunters”* There’s a house. And there’s one. Ok there’s like 5 right next to each other.
“People probably won’t ever need to reseal this ever, right?” – brown sugar manufacturers.