I’m sorry but I love this one 🤣🤣🤣
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[Grim Reaper arrives at my door]
ME: oh no, is it my time?!
GR: Oh no, I’m just coming for that last tweet you posted. That thing’s been dying for hours…
[Jedi Training]
TRAINER: Any questions?
STUDENT: Can the Force be with me?
TRAINER: I don’t know…CAN it?
STUDENT: Oh right…May the Force
Once a lady asked me to guess her age. I don’t like playing this game but she insisted. I gave her a good look, estimated her age, and subtracted 10 years just to be safe. “37” I said. Well for a 26 yo she threw quite the fit.
Anyway the lesson here is don’t smoke cigarettes.
*strips buck naked*Buck: Give me back my clothes !
I hope my dog doesn’t turn out weird because she’s being homeschooled.
[Elementary School sends out the “time to check lost and found for your child’s missing items” annual email…]
Me: Hello, U-haul…Me again…Imma need your biggest truck
What’s the dumbest thing you ever got in trouble for at work? Let me start: I just got a “verbal warning” for the words, “let’s see how that works out.”
You scream, we all scream, I apologize for entering the womens bathroom.
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: *changes blender to low setting*
Me: You’ve dimmed the lights already, aren’t we forward?
* smiles suggestively *
Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.
[on the phone with wife]
Honey, who do you like better, Hulk Hogan or Jafar from Aladdin?
“Tell me why.”
[winks at tattoo artist] No reason.
[standing at the threshold like a vampire] my sock has a hole in it
Cop: I pulled you over because your driving has been erratic
Me: oh, I think the guy in my trunk was trying to communicate with me via Morse code
Cop: what
Me: what
Remember when movies didn’t show you the entire plot in the trailer?
Found a YouTube channel that’s just French women smoking cigarettes so this is my last tweet.
My kids were very upset to learn that we are eating animals when we eat meat, so they’ve decided to stop.
Except for the animals that make bacon, chicken nuggets, and hamburgers.
You say “I ate so much that I’m too full to drink now” I say “poor planning”…
I love when moms are like let’s go in the playroom. Girl the playroom is my whole damn house.
there should be a jail just for people that don’t break apart kit kats before they eat them
If they don’t want me to ash on the floor,maybe they should put some ashtrays in this gym
why is it spelled “camouflage” and
not .
[inventing the toaster]
engineer: Ok it burns the bread if you put it at 4
chief engineer: perfect. Make it go up to 8
Scientist next to me: My god. Reality is a simulation.
Me (also a scientist): My god. I haven’t fed my tamagotchi in 17 years.
My 4yo: Let’s play a game!
Me: Is it you throw toys around the house and I pick them up?
4: No. Yes.
Them: Can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *bursts into flames*
My eyes: (seeing something in my peripheral vision)
OH MY GOD A GIANT BLIMP IS CRASHINNG OUT OF THE SKY AND HEADING STRAIGHT FOR OUR FACE
(one second later)
We’re getting a correction from the brain:
it is the world’s tiniest moth
I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.
9: I noticed there is bacon in the fridge
Me: yes
9: you gonna cook it?
Me: yes
9: I love you
Me: I know
I just bet a hyena £1000 that he couldn’t swim across a river and now he’s laughing all the way to the bank.
