I鈥檓 sorry but I love this one 馃ぃ馃ぃ馃ぃ
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[movie date]
me: i snuck in some snacks
date: omg !!!!!
me: *holding ramen noodles* do u have any boiling water
Sorry I hacked your e-cig. You’ve actually been vaping a dead bird for a month.
Has someone told the whales that they can鈥檛 sing for shit?
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
My 4 year old just said, “if you give me gold fish this will be a lot easier for you”
Don’t you want this to be easier for you?
-Gangster – level 3
Hey. I just… haven’t felt the same since I left you. I wish we could spend all day and night together, but that’s not healthy. For either of us. I don’t know where I’m going with this but I just wanted you to know I’m thinking about you. I miss you.
– texts to my bed
“I guess we should make them sound like a space shuttle is taking off during an a-bomb explosion.”
-person who invented hand dryers
9-year-old: *fighting with her sisters* It’s my turn for the remote!
Me: You’re going to school in two minutes. What does it matter?
9: It matters for two minutes.
[Me as a gynecologist]
*Knocking on the exam room door*
WOMB SERVICE
Busting out of a grave like a zombie but I just have to pee real bad.
ME: Help! Boa constrictor!
BOA: Actually, I’m a python.
ME: Help! Boa contradictor!
If you balance your medication correctly you can blank out an entire morning meeting.
[Me, in sign language, next to volcano]
The Earth soup is not for eating
*teaches nephew about the telegraph*
him: people could already text and we still invented the telephone?
a rare painting of a dragon eating spaghetti
Just saw a bundt so big and beautiful I changed my sexual orientation to cake.
Cats don鈥檛 say YOLO they say YOLNT
I’m most freaked when I take the dog out after dark and remember it’s stupid white girls like me that are killed first in horror movies.
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Age 40: I want my toilet to flush
They say people with pets live longer. Many assume it’s all the love and affection. I think it’s all the bending down to pick stuff up.
Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.
Led Zeppelin’s “In My Time Of Dying” is my favorite song about a man with a touch of a cold.
How much for the soulmate?
Ma’am, that’s a bag of Doritos.
馃幎Row, row, Robocop
Gently down the stream
Directive one: Uphold the law
I am part machine馃幎
At my parent’s house, or as I like to call it, the world’s most judgmental self-service laundromat.
Tom Cruise still does his own stunts at 55 and I just pulled a muscle reaching for the toilet paper…
Told a woman who was shopping with a newborn that I had teenagers. I was waiting for her to say I looked too young to have teenagers.
She didn’t.
She can’t leave if you’re wearing all of her clothes.
Lol how “take you out” could mean either we’re going on a date or I’m gonna kill you.
PARENTING TIP: Never, at any time or under any circumstance, say yes.