I’m sorry but I love this one 🤣🤣🤣
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me: looks like I don’t have to plant any mint, it grew back on its own
mint: yep, you don’t have to worry about me
second mint: me neither!
me: I don’t remember planting you
third mint: sup fellas how we doin
Second person to try hang gliding: Wow thanks for letting me be the first person to try this
Inventor: Suuure
Welcome to parenthood. You’re about to spend an irrational amount of time convincing a sleepy person to go to sleep
My kids do not talk to me like I’m their best chance of an organ donation.
wife: Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
me [whispers] Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
toddler [whispers] Because I have small hands
me: Because he has small hands
◾️
HR informed me that grabbing Janet’s face because she was popping her gum is not “appropriate” but guess who’s not popping their gum anymore?
Cop: Sir, you can’t use hand-held communication devices while driving
Me: [trying to hide ouija board] What are you talking about?
[liquor store]
Him: Did you see a cat in here? I know I just heard purring.
Me: *looking at huge boxed wine selection*
Him: Oh, it’s you.
A family of crows flying into a windmill is a murder suicide
meeting beyonce and telling her i loved her in goldmember and mentioning nothing about her music career just to see if it throws her off
Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.
[writers’ room for Silent Night]
MIKE: ok so the next line is about describing baby jesus. how would we describe a baby?
JIM [known cannibal]: so tender and mild
MIKE:…….jesus christ jim
I bet nobody noticed Superman flying around at first, so Clark just started pointing out every bird and plane until it caught on
College was the most expensive video-streaming service in last 2 years
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
Anyone on Twitter, to me: no way are you 46!
Me: Mate. They’re called filters. My real face looks like it slept on a bad pillow.
My life is like a movie where two soulmates meet in line at the grocery store, except I’m the woman behind them buying tampons and cat food.
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
me: [throwing pebbles in the sea]
fred flintstone: NOOOOOOOO
Wife: Is he called Batman because he flies at night?
Me: Kinda. But mainly a traumatic childhood bat thing
Wife: So Spiderman had a traumatic spider thing?
Me: No. Bitten by a radioactive spider
Wife: So is Antman childhood trauma or radioactive bite?
Me: No
I attend weddings purely to be fortunate enough to hear those two little words that always bring tears to my eyes – “open bar”
DATE’S FATHER: if you could have dinner with anyone alive or dea-
ME: Launchpad McQuack
HIM: I don’t think you underst-
ME: Launch👏pad👏Mc👏Quack👏
Kids are easy to care for until they learn to roll over. After that you’re never
sure what they’re up to for the rest of their lives.
Secretly hoping my ex will call or text one day, just so I can reply, ‘Who’s this?’
I cleaned the cabinet windows and now you can see how untidy it is inside.
My mother-in-law said “just do what you normally do” when she came to stay with us. Not going to lie, naked Saturday was a little awkward.
My Mom has been smelling something burning since 1983.
YOU ASKED IF YOU COULD PET HER, NOT IF SHE BITES, MEGAN.