I’m sorry but I love this one 🤣🤣🤣
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Cashier: Your total is $5,682.52
Me: Hmm…can you take off the replacement razor blades?
Cashier: Yeah, that’ll be $2.99
Meanwhile in Canada…
My neighbor caught me going through my own garbage can to find my engagement ring, so I told her, “There are some great deals in there on Tuesdays.”
8: *reading about the universe* How do stars die?
Me: Mostly old age. Sometimes an overdose, sometimes a pickled liver.
[american civil war]
soldier: god this is terrible I hope no one reenacts this
Wanna hear a joke?
Sleep.
I know, I don’t get it either.
* flips hair, potato chip falls out *
*pretends to get an urgent text so I can turn around after I notice I’m walking in the wrong direction*
Tacos are NOT a good pre yoga snack.
I know this now.
Him: [handing me $20] here’s your Christmas present
Me: thanks [handing it back] here’s yours
[3rd date]
Kate: You wanna come back to mine for coffee?
Ian: Sure!
Kate: Have you got any condoms?
Ian: Do you not know how to make coffee?
I enjoyed JOHN WICK 4 and its over-the-top glee, especially how many stairs he falls down. When you think that’s all the stairs he’s gonna fall down, nope, more stairs
If Godzilla invades your town and starts stomping down buildings, the best course of action would probably be to lead him to the Lego store
pep talk
Just got a haircut.
Me, sitting down: So shorter all over and
Tiny Asian lady: Oh, shorter? You want shorter today? Not longer?
Absolutely bodied, I may never recover.
Found my cat reading To Kill A Mockingbird. I told him that it didn’t actually involve killing birds, but he said he liked courtroom dramas.
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
[seductively takes off mom jeans]
Me:[ziiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii—
Him: [checks watch, pays bills, watches baseball game, sends our kids off to college]
Me: —iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiip]
Just like Hitler with the tiny mustache, Kim Jong-Un is ruining that haircut for everyone else.
God: [creating Guy Feiri, but runs out of human heads] “A pineapple it is then.”
Having to walk all the way to a person’s house & talk to them face to face really cut down on pointless small talk though.
Me: I’m sorry; I don’t remember your name. I know it starts with an S though…. Sledgehammer, Salamander, Slappy…
Him: Steve…my name is Steve.
Me: Yeah, no, I would’ve never gotten that.
ME: Why are my eyes itchy?
WebMD: Eye bees
ME: how old are you?
EGG AND CHEESE SANDWICH UNDER A GAS STATION HEAT LAMP AT 8 PM: im breakfast
ME: and how long have you been breakfast?
The best argument for “the sequel is never as good as the original” is birds v. dinosaurs.
I don’t know why they are staring. Ignore them.
*Holds drink up to your voodoo doll’s mouth*
(life flashing before my eyes)
paramedics: why is he cringing?
I would’ve worn my short shorts and my striped tube socks if I knew I was going to be walking around in sepia tone all day
everybody gangster til u put a spider in their plastic easter egg
GYM INSTRUCTOR: …and over here are the free weights.
ME: *shoving weights in my pockets* Fantastic.