I’m sorry but I love this one 🤣🤣🤣
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In a coffee shop ask the person next to you to watch your laptop, but don’t leave. Put on netflix and binge spongebob with your new pal.
Can I put on a tinder account that I’ve never lost at Wordle, or is that too hot?
Babies who need to wear glasses creep me out. it’s like they are trying to act smarter than me or something, I don’t like it
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change & the strength to lift a car over my head. Saving the third wish for later.
boss: david, you’re fired
me: *just got a haircut* is that alllllll you have to say to me 🙂
I think it’s finally time for me to get those ice cubes I’ve been saving under the refrigerator.
WINDOWS: update? 🙂
ME: I can’t
WINDOWS: later? 🙂
ME: I don’t know if I—
WINDOWS: pwease? 🙂
ME: fine, later tho
WINDOWS: *immediately restarting* oops 🙂
Me: *shares irrefutable and well known fact that no one has dared question in the history of the entire world*
5 year old: No it isn’t
A salesman knocked on my door today.
“Who currently provides your Internet?” he asked.
I said, “My next door neighbour.”
[Christina Aguilera begins singing the lyrics ‘You Are Beautiful’ at her concert, notices me in the audience, and abruptly stops]
A good comeback when someone doesn’t believe you’re a time traveler is “Yeah well nobody cried at your funeral.”
You know you’re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.
Kraft recalled 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs. I recall 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs too. That was one wild summer.
I’m tired, you’re tired, we should probably sleep together.
Food puns are my love language
…what, they make me corny.
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*Nurse 1: I’m exhausted.
Nurse 2: I hate Labor Day.
Anyone want to do the laundry for me? Im exhausted. I can pay you in beanie babies or hot monkey sex.
The monkey’s name is Earl. He bites.
Never been caught up in a rap feud but I did once fall afoul of a patisserie chef who in an act of revenge named a particularly basic pastry after me.
“the blood moon rises once again” [the dishes i washed yesterday respawn in my sink]
me: what do you know about atoms?
friend: very little
me: besides that
A parent’s autobiography called “But I Just Sat Back Down” and all the chapters start with “Ugh.”
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
I ate a kid’s meal today at McDonald’s.
His mom got really mad.
ME: honey, just tap me on the arm tonight if you think I’ve gotten too drunk
WIFE: I’ve been tapping your arm for the last 2 hours
GENIE 1: he wanted money so i made him a bank robber, ha
GENIE 2: i just…gave mine money
GENIE 1: LMAO YOU GUYS, JERRY JUST GAVE IT TO HIM
“Are you a secret shopper? You have to admit it if I ask. It’s the law.”
“That’s only for narcs.”
“That sounds like something a secret shopper would say…”
Russian roulette, except it’s me sneezing three times in a row while driving
I falcon love using swear birds