Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: are you ready for halloween?

friend: yes!

me: omg your haunted ghost monkey is so realistic

friend: that’s my newborn baby *bursts into tears*

Guys, stop telling women “you’re beautiful” get creative. Tell her she looks like she could beat Taylor Swift in a fight. Tell her she looks like she could make nachos that would **ck you up for a week. Tell her she reminds you of a guy you knew in prison.

♫ Hey cow
You’re an all star
You are grain fed
No hay
Hey cow
You are ground down
Graded U.S.
D.A. ♫

I can’t stop watching this.

I once conjured a blizzard to get out of a “lunch date”.

dating my last boyfriend was like being on the bachelor but not knowing I was on the bachelor

[before date]

friend: you’re a good guy. just let her know that

[date]

her: so tell me about y-

me: I’M GOOD BOY NICE AND KIND

[sheriff’s office]

me: we found a body in the woods but it’s decayed beyond recognition

deputy: can’t you identify it using dental records

me: ordinarily we would but the town dentist has been missing for over a month now

Gizmodo Article: A Caterpillar With Vomit-Inducing Poison Fur Is Taking Over Virginia.

2020: All right, all right. Forgive me for trying to be creative.

If you’re charging me $15 for apple cider at a hayride it better contain enough booze to enable me to see a headless horseman.

The next time someone does one of those ‘write a 3 word horror story’ competitions, I’m going to enter this picture.

And occasionally she would come back into his life like a burp from a bad pickled egg eaten at a church social.

Moonlit nights are the best when you light a fire in the pit, have a glass of wine and the neighbor didn’t hear you come outside.

“Nevertheless”

~ Me, when choosing a piece of cake or pie

When you get mad but you’re one of the nicest people ever…😂🐮🐑

saying you’re celebrating your 2 year anniversary:
-dull
-overused
-nobody cares

saying you’ve been together for 4 brexit extensions:
-original
-spicy
-culturally poignant

I like to throw a fake punch at a hooker’s crotch. If she flinches, I know it’s a dude.

Knowing you’ve got indigestion is a gut feeling

#mondaymirth

Let’s all bow our heads and pray for my husband who very tragically asked me what I did all day.

My Uber driver just told me that he’s been doing a lot of pick ups/drop offs at ER’s and Urgent Care, so, goodbye.

anime is so crazy think about shooting your shot with a cute girl you meet in a coffee shop and she turns out to be a corpse devouring ghoul 5 seconds later.

Christmas Warning:

Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.

Then: I will never lie to my children

Now: Your teacher just called and said that if you let me lay on the couch all day then you get 100% in class.

If only my parents had given me a memorable first name.

Put a mirror on the ceiling.

She said.

It will be sexy.

She said.

Terrify yourself every morning.

I found out.

Getting shit done. Was my response when my boss ask me what I’m doing. And now I’m sitting outside of H.R.

I won’t say I neglect my appearance but I will say I just shaved my legs at my desk after wearing a skirt to work.

Me: what’s the weather like?

Mom: just open the door and find out

Me: *opens cargo hatch and is sucked out of airplane* it’s
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