I’m sorry but I love this one 🤣🤣🤣
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boss: you’re fired for putting a curse on susan
me: ok
susan: [trapped in an oil painting for eternity] can you lift the curse?
me: sorry i don’t work here
This billboard speaks to me
Before you decide to spend less time on social media, make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.
[trying to get a massage]
How much for a happy ending?
“Sir, this is a library!”
*whispers* sorry, how much for a happy ending?
Me: *seeing a used condom on my lawn* This is disgusting!
Neighbor: OMG STOP TASTING IT
I told my 5 year old my birthday was coming up and he asked if we were going to have pizza and a bounce house and now I’m wondering why the hell I’m not.
Can I watch The Meg if I haven’t Seen The Peter, The Lois, The Chris, The Stewie or The Brian yet?
ME: [ties a persons shoes together and then runs away] Haha
PERSON: [puts on worlds fastest potato sack racer hat]
ME: Oh no shit shit shit
Everyday is Easter when you’re shaped like an egg
Me: This escape room is really hard.
Guard: I said lights out!
i love googling stuff. imagine not being able to google stuff. i would know next to nothing about the great molasses flood of 1919.
Harry Styles sounds like a made-up name that Big Foot would use to sneak into a fashion show.
I knew I’d pissed off Mother Nature when she sent a hurricane to wash my car and then left it on my roof.
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
cheetah: 60mph but i can reach speeds of 75mph on smooth terrain
cop: [turns to camera] wow kids did you hear that? twitter is so full of wonderful facts
cheetah: that’s right officer. for instance did you know 9/11 was an inside job?
when my sister was like 5 she wrote a note to the easter bunny that said “happy easter are you a boy or a girl” and my mom left a typed note that said “sorry i can’t read i’m just a bunny”
Burglar upon being confronted by the utter chaos of my house, steps back out the window.
“Next house. This one’s been done already.”
They don’t put calorie counts or serving suggestions on boxed wine. They know you’ve got enough problems already.
The worst design flaw of the human body is your asshole being able to perceive spicy.
Boss to our group: “Let’s talk about what inspires you. Mike, you go first.”
Me: *Goes home*
If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you’ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.
To avoid the awkward 5 minutes, lean over and give the cashier butterfly kisses while waiting for your 500 foot CVS receipt.
Scarecrow: why aren’t u scared of me?
Batman: why would…wait. do u think I’m a crow?
SC: ur not a crow?
BM: *hurt* No *quietly* I’m a bat
Mom, you really should have taken the time to fix your hair this morning.
-my son, asking to be taken out of the will
I want to be the lady in the neighborhood that makes her neighbors slightly nervous…
“Did you see she bought a blowtorch the other day.”
“She told me she was going to paint a mural on the side of her house.”
[holding my brain upside down, shaking out its pockets] gimme your serotonin nerd
britney spears working at an ice cream shop called scoops i did it again.
Bus numbers should be the same in other countries and bring ye to the same places. If I hop on a 27 in Paris I wanna end up in French Tallaght.
Twitter is an invention created by aliens so we don’t notice the period of time missing when they take us for experimentation.
My husband & I finally have an afternoon away from the kids. And then our son texts the family group chat:
“So do we have super glue?”