I’m sorry but I strongly disagree
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The Chinese New Year is almost here. I know they’re in another time zone, but 2 months behind seems a little extreme.
My friends have canceled our dinner plans three nights in a row. I’m starting to think they don’t like dinner.
Yes, yes, everyone is stupid except you.
How did we decide to go with cockpit?
*pouring wine over ice cream*
No, I had a great day. Why do you ask?
Please stop summoning me if you’re out of sacrificial snacks.
Uber is driving me to drink. Literally.
It’s a bird.
It’s a plane.
No its…“Steve, you’re fired. Air traffic control just isn’t for you.”
Dear neighbors, I am not killing my child. I’m washing her hair. Only she sees it the other way.
5yo came in, threw his backpack down and said “holy melancholy.”
Me: rough day, buddy?
5: I need a glass of milk. Now.
I’m sorry your eyebrows look like two unruly caterpillars chasing each other across your forehead.
New-to-school parent: I haven’t heard that — was it in one of the school emails?
Experienced parent: Oh I don’t know, don’t read those. Heard it from Becky whose neighbor’s sister-in-law works in the school office on Thursday mornings.
I hate when jobs ask me to name a time when I had to de-escalate a situation. N****s don’t even play wit me like that ion have them kinds of issues
animal planet had a show called “the most extreme” where they would do lists of animals. they did an episode on the deadliest animals. i was ten years old when i watched this episode and i cannot tell you how pissed off i was when they revealed that number one was “mosquito”.
The hotel bartender said I couldn’t take my drink back to my room so I said, “But what if you just…let me?” and he didn’t have a real answer to that, so I’m in bed with my drink now.
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m getting a little worried about my cake.
Obvious red flags:
*he’s jealous of any and all carbs you eat, especially the breakfast kind
*he keeps pictures of celebrities in his wallet so he can mock their eyebrows
*he tries to control how you play with his dog, insisting she’s a level 10 necromancer
I love the originality of Jack-in-the-Box’s marketing. Name one other fast food chain with a clown for a mascot.
Me: It’s Celine Dion riding a unicorn
Tattoo artist: You know these are permanent right?
My wife and I are going to be super bummed if we don’t get a good grade on our daughter’s science fair project.
We cracked the code to potty training our daughter. Spider man underwear. It took her picking out her own Spider-Man underwear to completely potty train herself. She won’t have an accident because she “can’t go potty on Spider-Man”. I can’t believe that’s all it took lol
I try to use proper grammar and punctuation in all of my tweets, until I’m about to go over the 140 character limit…& den u no how it b.
Guys, if you forget your girl’s birthday, just look into her eyes and say, “I love you.” Then run, because that is not going to help.
Got banned for life from rap battling for repeated use of the word dingus.
an edibles food truck and i’d call it the cannabus.
yeah i have a drinking problem. it’s called dehydration
Which word do you think would make a pretty baby name if it didn’t mean what it meant? I’m going with Omelette.
ME AS A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR:
I signed you both up for Tinder*1 week later
ME: You still want a divorce?
THEM: OMG NO THAT WAS HORRIFYING
“Expecto me to be there”
Harry Potter RSVPing to a party