I’m sorry but I strongly disagree
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*survives trip to grocery store
*checks in as “safe” on Facebook
Me: I generally dislike myself as a person but I also assume everyone I know has a crush on me
Interviewer: a job-related weakness…
I liked Metamucil better back when it was called Facebookmucil.
“I missed you today.”
“Awwww I missed you too.”
*both frantically reload dueling pistols*
Me: “Your baby looks just like you.”
-“Thank you!”
Me: “Funny you took that as a compliment but ok.”
me, minding my own business as a vegan:
someone: oK bUt If YoU wErE sTrAnDeD oN a DeSeRtEd IsLaNd aNd YoU hAd tO eAt mEaT tO sUrViVe
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha or a nature scene with an inspirational message like,
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa.”
What do you mean you can’t tell what mood they’re in by how loud they clean the kitchen?
i’m planning to eat the rich, but can i sub out fries for a salad?
My girlfriend said, “Is there basketball on?” then put on the game and walked away. Two hours later, I’m like what is she doing? She’s napping. She turned it on to keep me occupied like a toddler.
Puts kids to bed at 6PM: they wake up at 6AM
Puts kids to sleep at 8PM: they wake up at 6AM
There is no winning 🙄
Buys a cheap box of wine and parties like it’s $19.99
6 wakes me at 6:30am: wanna play a game?
Me: go hide! 1, 2, 3…
6: you’ll never find me!
Me: *goes back to sleep*
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
technically you can breathe anything just not very long for some things
Dress for the job you want, not the job you have. Better yet, dress for jobs that don’t even exist. Werewolf psychiatrist. Clown assassin.
At my age I’m worried about tripping and falling, so I wear a helmet. I’m also worried about looking ridiculous, so I carry a skateboard.
I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose’s ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.
Me: Look to my left.
Friend: We’re facing the same way. Why don’t you say our left?
Me: I don’t like to share.
I only hug people when I need to wipe my hands off.
Lmao
Me: What time are we leaving?
Wife: In 3 or 4 hours
Me: Ok, I’ll be waiting in the car
I don’t homeschool my kids cause the only historic battle I know is the one between Biggie and Tupac.
Nurse: “This may hurt.”
Me: “June hasn’t been much fun either.”
Maybe the wolf from The Neverending Story still has nightmares about me, too.
I set a rat trap last night & this morning the cheese was gone & there was a picture of my kids in it, what does this mean
TSA agent: Ma’am you’re alarming in your abdomen.
Me, starving: You can hear that?!?
Them: …
Me: …
Them: It’s the drawstrings on your pants.
Me: They’re hungry too?!?
My friend: I was waiting here and all was normal and then suddenly all hell broke loose
Me:
Me: So, you’ve been waiting at this bus stop since 2019?
scoring in hockey: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in baseball: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in basketball: 2, 4, 6, 8, 10
scoring in tennis: love, 15, 30, 40, turkey sandwich, spider, 57, keanu reeves
my student loan account is locked for an hour bc i entered my password wrong twice. who the hell do they think is trying to break in and pay my loans for me. why would i want to prevent that. Pleas let them in