Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just had a guy explain maps to me. He handed me a map and said, “This is a map. You use it to locate things.”

I didn’t know what to say so I replied, “These are my shoes. I am going to use them to walk away now.”

Sorry babe, I have to cancel our date tonight. I joined a 50’s gang and I need to go to snapping practice.

The barista can’t deal with the man’s ‘Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee’ shirt.

Her mouth opens, then closes.

The line grows.

I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.

Both of my girls wanted to stay home sick today until they found out the Wi-Fi was down.

Ladies, if he’s never gonna:

-give you up
-let you down
-run around
-desert you
-make you cry
-say goodbye
-tell a lie
-hurt you

He’s not your man, he’s tacos

I wish I had the confidence of my 8yo who boldly declared she was going to teach her younger sister to read “real quick”.

Dinner conversation:
10YO: What 6 things would you want on a deserted island?
Me: 1) You–
10YO: Seriously? Why would you drag me into that?

I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I’m like “That’s enough exercise for today”

I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, blocking the tv and getting him shot on Call of Duty.

Just realized I’ve never “axed” anyone a question in my whole life.

I assume anyone sitting alone in a car in the dark corner of a grocery store parking lot is waiting to meet a hitman who is running late.

Dude warned me he doesn’t always respond to texts right away.

It’s been 476 days. Dude wasn’t playin

My yogurt just moved. Paranormal activia.

Proctology is located in A55

You don’t need to put “narcissist” in your bio.
This is twitter, that shit goes without saying.

[Pompeii 79 AD]

me: wow can’t believe I’m finally a homeowner. Nothing could ruin this day.

😞

Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.

They put me in the ICU.

I’ll only give a restaurant a 5 star review if the couple at the next table are breaking up.

Remember, you CAN have your cake and eat it too.

In fact, you can’t even eat a cake you don’t have.

“I would absolutely say I’m an introvert!” – Guy screaming to his table full of friends at brunch.

“Kids! We’re having sundaes for dinner!”
-me, being the change I want to see in the world

Mad that so many renaissance artists were named after ninja turtles

[dentist]

receptionist: with copay that will be $15

me: here’s the teeth y’all pulled, just put it under a pillow and it should be taken care of

My Indian name is dances without coordination.

[ the manger ]

me: so what’s his name

mary: jesus christ

me: hey watch your language around the baby

I’m like a cheetah, but slow.