Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[cocktail party]
Me: [swirls brandy]
Brandy: PUT ME DOWN

beginning to understand why deer throw themselves in front of cars

My kids wanted a spooky story from the olden days so I told them the internet used to scream when you turned it on.

Adam: Thank you for carrying me a great distance at speeds otherwise unimaginable to me. I shall call you “Horse”.

Horse: *getting excited* OooOooo okay thanks! It’s kinda basic, but I like it

Adam: and this twisted up sea crouton is also a horse

Horse: wait what the frick

How did people crash their vehicles before cellphones?

Ever notice that adding “after hours” or “after dark” to anything makes it sexy?

Walmart after hours
Walmart after dark

Almost anything…

[murder trial]

LAWYER: So you unplugged your wife’s life support for five minutes?

COMPUTER TECH: Sometimes that works.

I think my wife is having an affair, for two years she claims to have been going to classes, yet still can’t speak a word of Zumba.

Be the reason someone burns sage.

Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.

Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.

Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.

Elephant Son: What is?

Dance like you haven’t fallen off that pole twice already.

It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.

I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.

It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.

Her: tell me want I want to hear baby

Me: your order is on its way

Her: oh god, yes!

Day 4: They suspect nothing.

📸:

5’s excuse for not going to sleep last night was that he has the hiccups.

He didn’t hiccup.

He didn’t fake-hiccup.

He just stated that he “has the hiccups”.

Never trust your kids. You know who their parents are.

me: ooh wonder what kind of hawk that is

my 5yo, helpfully: maybe a mo-hawk

Sorry I faked my death during the middle of your boring story.

Me: “I’m looking for a psychic who rates themselves highly.”
Ian: “I’m a medium.”
Me: “I need someone better than that.”

Every time I go through airport security I’m terrified that I accidentally packed a bomb.

babe what’s wrong you haven’t moved an inch in six months and you smell really bad

*Date with a boy I dated when we went to kindergarden*
*puts two big bowls of worms and mudwater on the table*
Him-YUCK!!!
Me-You’ve changed

If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.

Typing
your tweets
like this doesn’t
make them
poems.

Oh, you hate leftovers? Maybe you should’ve thought of that last night when I cooked a big meal and you were “not that hungry.”

a fun thing about getting older is all the sports injuries you get while sleeping