I’m sorry, but I’m never gonna apologize for who I am.
*except just then*
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All my coworkers put tape over the cameras on their laptops but not me. I don’t care if anybody sees me sighing for 8 hours a day.
At Jurassic Park when they say to keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times, they mean it.
me: hm what could I add to this bath to relax and forget everything?
my brain: a hairdryer.
YOU’VE GOTTA BE SHITTING ME, CAROL.
*grabs face*
*whispers*
You’re goddamn right I have a few minutes to hear about your new pedometer.
[Flirting]
I can turn anything into a PDF, baby.
I’m rubber. You’re glue.
I don’t conduct low voltage electricity. You’re great for arts & crafts.
I’m praying to 1500 Hindu Gods to help me finish decorating this Christmas tree
Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly
Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”
You would think that if the wife left clean dishes in one side of the sink it would be okay for you to leave dirty dishes in the other side of the sink. You would think…
Wife: I just want a honest opinion of my outfit
Me *signing her up to a rap battle* and you’ll get one
I can’t run from my demons. The law clearly states I have to keep them until they’re 18.
If his selfie doesn’t make you kegal, you’re just not that into him.
Cigarette: Hey buddy.
Me: I don’t smoke anymore.
Cigarette: But buddy.
Me: NO.
Cigarette: Buddy?
Me: You do make a good point. Fine.
Guys if ur drinking tonight please remember this; u can always use a frozen hot dog if u run out of ice. Ok stay safe & keep it real.
centipede: *trips*
*but for like, an hour*
Well Bob, I love to travel, and being my own boss is great. But I suppose my favorite thing about being a serial killer is murdering people.
I had a really, really bad pizza stomachache once, so I don’t want to hear your whine stories about labor pain, ladies.
Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.
me: *gritting my teeth* they will pay for this. you’ll see. they will ALL pay for this
waitress: okaaay… so separate checks then?
[On my death bed]
My son: Before you go, could you make me pancakes?
mechanics be like
7yr old: Mum, what happens if you eat lots of tinsel?
Me: probably emergency surgery to prevent obstruction somewhere in your digestive system.
7yr old: *blank face* *small voice* you get tinselitis.
Dating profiles should make you share a sound bite of you sneezing.
Ok… so wireless bra’s don’t have any internet connectivity, we all make mistakes, can we just move on now.
February 27th, 2020.
I’m 44 years old, standing on the roof, in 40mph winds, of the largest supplier of calamari in the United States…fighting off psychotic seagulls with a broom.
Never give up on your dreams, kids.
Told my doctor I would lose 10 pounds in three months. That was three months ago and now I have 18 hours to lose 9¾ pounds.
got so drunk last night that I ate a salad
you either dated people in middle school or you’re funny now
Today was so terrible, I thought
Steven Seagal was in it.