Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Who invented Bull Riding? Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me.

My phone just autocorrected “Haha” to “Jaja” so I guess I’m Mexican now.

Yesterday was 2/22/22. Don’t feel bad if you missed it. 3/33/33 is coming up

other job applicant: good luck
me: im gonna tell the boss you hate his hair
other job applicant: what
me loudly: I actually like his haircut

Tonight we’re cooking together, period. I’ll serve the cereal, you pour the milk

Can’t find my belt so I’ll just need to get fatter.

[getting murdered]

me: my computer has a virus, so u could say

[murdering pauses]

me: i’ve been hacked twice today lol

[murdering intensifies]

Her: Wow… You really cleaned up the place
A cockroach with a little bow-tie waddles by
Me: Anything for you baby girl

Me: Super size it!
Pharmacist: No.

Our parents were right all along, the music is too loud.

I often wonder who Pete is…

and why we do things for his sake…

Asking for her hand in marriage means something entirely different if your name’s Frankenstein.

Pretty sure it’s pronounced ASK body spray, thanks.

[at my funeral]
Priest: he died doing what he loved
My friend Pete from the back: he liked it yeah but I wouldn’t say he loved making toast in the bath

“You’re still a fun person,” I whisper to myself at 9:30 p.m, as I stir a pot of chilli like some kind of culinary night owl.

Nothing screams ‘life of the party’ like panic-cooking mince before it stages its own rebellion in the fridge.

date: I come from old money

me: *waving around a quarter from 1955* this doing anything for you

My patronus is a cheeseburger

Hell is just you and your dog as he takes revenge for all the times you shouted “Squirrel!” when there was no squirrel.

Peacock: *spreads feathers at me*

Husband: It’s trying to attract you as a mate

Me: *shyly lifts top*

Husband: no

[shapes strands of hair from the drain to form a love letter on the shower wall]

stop slamming the toilet seat in the middle of the night or I will murder you

Him: Can you turn on the wifi?

Me: *does a seductive dance in front of the router*

people in fantasy novels absolutely love removing from their knapsack some bread and hard cheese

Speaker: Welcome to the First International Flat Earth Conference, where researchers have gathered from all round the world

Audience: *booing and throwing tomato slices*

Beyoncé: Ok now ladies let’s get in formation.
Ladies: Information about what?
Beyoncé: Dammit, ladies, we went over this.

I asked my grandma if she had a hard time moving to nyc from Poland as a teen & going to hs in bk knowing 0 English, & if ppl didn’t wanna be friends w her, etc. & she held my shoulder & looked me in the eyes & said, Austyn. I was gorgeous. Everyone wanted to be my friend

[sees hot girl in bar]

me: [takes wedding ring off] so… do you come here often?

her: give me back my ring

You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.

me, welcoming someone into my small home filled with hand me down furniture and the random mess of life living: would you like a tour
person, for some reason: yes

One of the toughest things about being single is not having anyone around to nag you to buy new underwear.

Pool party at my house… BYOP (Bring Your Own Pool)…