Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

medium: so you want to contact your wife

wife: *muffled* open the door

me: sometimes I can still hear her voice

wife: *through the window* I forgot my keys

me: it’s like she’s here watching over me

Was looking at smoking pipes on Amazon & realized that CW could look at my history.So,I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.

Bigfoot’s whole body is big. he should be called Bigbody

Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.

satan: welcome slaves to your eternal damnation.

dad: can someone turn on the ac its as hot as hell in here.

satan:…

dad: sorry i dont want to get “fired” the first day on the job.

satan:…

dad: im going to super hell arent i.

satan: youre going to super hell.

Walking by the lingerie section

Youngest: Why do they make the underwear so fancy? No one is ever going to see it anyway.

Me: Uh huh.

I accidentally used dog shampoo this morning but I feel like such a good girl.

Oh, I see. “Adam and Steve” is gay, but “Adam dates his own rib” is perfectly acceptable.

I hate it when I try to impress a date by taking her to a nice restaurant and she orders something that isn’t on my coupon.

me: *goes outside during the day* why is the moon is so spicy

#MayweathervMcgregor.
Right now, Danny Ocean is robbing the Bellagio.

Proctology is located in A55

Dear ghosts,
If you can move stuff around and flicker lights then you can use a mop

Instead of cars having a warning light that reads “DOOR AJAR”, I think the warning light should say “DOOR’S OPEN, DUMMY.” Then if it’s not shut soon, “YOU’RE GONNA FALL OUT & GET RUN OVER, IDIOT.” Then after a little more time, “NEVER MIND. LEAVE IT OPEN. THIN THE HERD. MORON.”

Whenever I test drive a car and the Salesman decides to come along, I lock the doors lock eyes and say “We ride together, we Die together.”

Hippos at the Cincinnati Zoo getting some pumpkin snacks.

if by “picking up hotties at the club” you mean going to costco for rotisserie chicken then yeah i am

We are all damned fools. He tried to warn us, but we didn’t have ears to hear.

Now all I can see is that horrific smile. That knowing gaze born of higher-knowledge which says, “It is too late.”

The Papa John’s Day of Reckoning has come.

#coronapocalypse
#QuarantineAndChill

Me having to explain to another kid’s dad why he can’t come to my kid’s birthday party

*family reunion*

– flirting shouldn’t be this easy

ME: where’s your brother?

OLDEST CHILD: where’s another roll of duct tape?

ME: *sprints to the basement*

11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything

Every zoo is a petting zoo if you can run fast enough.

Seriously how ugly was Little Red Riding Hood’s grandma?

My bank messaged me saying ” Stay healthy, stay safe”.
I replied “you too.”

a depressed madame curie is a sighentist.

if you sweat while you eat it should count as a workout

UNHAND ME
Wait
how many?

My mom, watching a scary movie: Be careful if you’re going in the backyard, I thought I saw someone walking around out there.

Me: What. Like a cat?

My mom: No, it was definitely bigger than that.