I’m sorry, but I’m never gonna apologize for who I am.
*except just then*
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Why was six afraid of seven? Generations of institutionalized bigotry.
[space shuttle]
Captain: prepare for landing
Me: roger that
C: reverse thrusters
M: sretsurht lol
C: lol
*we smash full speed into the moon*
Social distancing has taken all the fun out of avoiding people.
Mugger: “Hand over your card and give me your PIN number!”
Me: “My personal identification number number?”
*he stabs me*
There’s panic and then there’s can’t-find-your-tampon-string-panic.
Her: Who was your first love?
Me: Debbie.
H: What was she like?
M: She was little.
H: Are you talking about snacks?
M: [mouth full] Maybe.
Want to know what it’s like to have kids?
1. Gather everything you own.
2. Throw it all on the floor.
3. Pick it up.
4. Repeat for infinity.
My boyfriend is not gay!! So please next time you see him with some girls dnt come telling me.
“I know it takes an egg and sperm to make a baby, but how do they mix together?”
– My 7yo, right before I received that urgent phone call
Thinking about that time I used a pic of katy perry as my avi and a dude got so mad that I wasn’t actually katy perry that he called me a catfish and blocked me. Wonder how he’s doing now
would Iove a queer bar called something normal. Instead it’s like here I am spending another night at the gaping hole
7-11 CLERK: what are you doing
ME: *staring at the hot dogs on the metal rollers* watching the oscars
TINDER SHOULD SHOW YOU WHAT AGE RANGE UR MATCHES ARE OPEN TO WHAT IF I MATCH WITH A GROWN MAN WHO HAS HIS PREFERENCES DOWN TO 18 HOLY SHIT NO BUENO
DATE: So what do you do?
ME: I race cars.
HER: That’s so cool. Have you won many races?
ME: No, the cars are much faster.
Shout out to whoever scheduled Valentine’s candy to show up just as we’re all giving up on New Year resolutions.
4 thinks the lead singer of Queen was Freddie Macaroni and he won’t be taking any further questions on this
I made the cutest little Easter baskets with leaves and fronds. My neighbor is still wondering who sawed off the top of his palm tree.
ME [being stabbed by a stingray]: This pancake seems angry.
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
Ad exec: but how are we going to reach our target audience?
Ad exec 2: we need to be able to speak their language
Meow Mix jingle writer: *deep breath*
In marriage, there are two conversations:
The one you think you’re having and the one your husband hears.
idc who house I’m at, i’m drying my hands on yo decoration towels
Can’t figure out if the neighbour’s baby is fussy or they bought a goat.
The toughest part of any long distance relationship is the 6 hour drive to slash their tires.
ME: You win some, you lose some
WIFE: Where are the kids
My mom wants to see 50 Shades of Gray with me… I screamed, “OH HELL NO” and suggested we see Cinderella instead.
Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.
Therapist: ‘Sarcasm will get you nowhere.’
Me: ‘Actually, it got me to the National Sarcasm Championship game in Las Vegas back in 98.’
Therapist: ‘Really?’
Me: ‘No.’
If I was a marriage counselor I would just make the couple look at a dating website for 20 minutes.
[After winning an award]
Host: Is there anyone you would like to thank?Me *smiles at my wife and kids in the crowd as I lean into the mic* no