@GingerHotDish

I’m sorry, but I’m never gonna apologize for who I am.

*except just then*

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@realHamOnWry

[Delta Airlines Interview]

Me: Sorry I’m 3 hours late.

Interviewer: You’re hired!

@iwearaonesie

[movie]
*guy hugs woman from behind while she cuts vegetables*
wife: Aww

me*does same thing*
wife:ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME LOSE A FINGER?!

@MissHavisham

6 yr old: Can we have cupcakes for breakfast?

Me: Absolutely not.

(I can’t tell him it’s because I ate them all around 3am.)

@squirrel74wkgn

[Facebook]
Wife: Hubby is making breakfast for dinner!

[real life]
Me: *tosses Cheerios at the baby*

@Social_Mime

Saying “You first” when the doctor told me to take off my shirt made the rest of the appointment awkward for him and I.

@HatfieldAnne

Sure I’d love a long chat. Let me make you more comfortable. *slides a cactus plant between us*

@TR_Wilson

don’t smoke pots because they are made of clay and can burn your tongue