son: is this microwave friendly?
me: [patting microwave] yes he is
I’m sorry, but I’m never gonna apologize for who I am.
*except just then*
You Might Also Like
[Delta Airlines Interview]
Me: Sorry I’m 3 hours late.
Interviewer: You’re hired!
*guy hugs woman from behind while she cuts vegetables*
me*does same thing*
wife:ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME LOSE A FINGER?!
When you’re completely done with everybody’s shit.
6 yr old: Can we have cupcakes for breakfast?
Me: Absolutely not.
(I can’t tell him it’s because I ate them all around 3am.)
Wife: Hubby is making breakfast for dinner!
Me: *tosses Cheerios at the baby*
Saying “You first” when the doctor told me to take off my shirt made the rest of the appointment awkward for him and I.
Sure I’d love a long chat. Let me make you more comfortable. *slides a cactus plant between us*
don’t smoke pots because they are made of clay and can burn your tongue