Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[walks into a laundromat with a bag of popcorn kernels and heads straight to the dryers]

Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet

I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur

If by retirement plan you mean a swear jar, then yes I do have a retirement plan.

Me: goodnight moon
Warren Moon: how did you get in my house?

[Court]
Me: My tweets go through a rigorous review process
Judge: Are they reviewed by other idiots?
M: *lips on mic* irrelevant, your honor

N – necessary
A – adult
P – procedure

Always use your best photos for your profile on FB.

Cause those are the photos the media will use if something horrible happens to you.

*spider falls on my desk*
*pulls fire alarm*
*stands in hallway & points firefighters toward my desk*

A Serial Killer Known For Ripping Out Tounges Entered The Buzzfeed Office And What He Did Next Left Us Speechless

mob boss: i need u take out the rat

[later]

rat: [sets napkin down] the cheese was to die for

me: yes it was

rat: what

“Hi Mr. Holmes, I hear you’re the world’s greatest detective and I’m calling because there’s been a murder… I’m at the 79th annual Butlers Convention… Sherlock? Are you still there?”

[while titanic is sinking]

me: [mouth full of shrimp at the buffet] I can’t believe no one is eating these lol

Doctor: [puts my arm in a sling]

Me: wait—

Doctor: [fires my arm out the window]

Me: wtf

Doctor: [shouting out the window] next time it’s a leg STAY OUT OF MY PARKING SPACE

Saw a werewolf at the bus stop this morning. Or possibly just a very hairy guy. Either way, the silver bullets worked.

I found some pot in my son’s room. Has anyone noticed how odd the word s-p-a-t-u-l-a sounds when you keep saying it over and over?

The only relationship you should expect to last on Twitter is the one between your TL and those who have you blocked.

HOW TO ROB A BANK: (1) Walk in and start talking about your study abroad experience. (2) Everyone’s asleep now. Grab the money.

Dora the explorers parents don’t give any kind of shit about Dora. She’s 7 and she’s flying planes and shit to South America with a monkey!

I got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.

They said I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.

A TV should have been called a watch and a watch should have been called a time machine. Fight me.

I don’t trust scrapbookers because I feel it’s a slippery slope to ransom letters

Did you know that you can order foundation that matches your skin tone exactly? My shade is called, ‘between a polar bear and a paper napkin.’

I feel so alive when I watch an object fall and shatter into hundreds of pieces. Not alive enough to clean up the mess though.

the metric system will never catch on here because too many Americans are into feet

Men: Masters of multitasking – can watch sports, ignore laundry, and forget your birthday, all at once.

As a reward for graduating high school, please accept this basket of live cobras.

This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.

How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face

My husband did a load of dishes and folded a load of laundry and then complained that I didn’t even notice and I laughed so hard I almost coughed up a lung.

While those 2 guys at the bar were just fantasizing about what they’d do with powerball winnings, I stole their ticket.