Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing

15mos are the cutest humans in the world but also the most boring. Girl, we’ve been putting this baby doll to bed for 23 mins, please

I went to collect my dracula costume, ready for Halloween. They handed me a Manchester United shirt instead.

I explained, “Sorry, you must have misheard me, I wanted to dress as a COUNT!” 🧛🏻‍♂️

[trying to impress a girl]

Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *flies off treadmill*

I am 36 years old. I could have been a dog three times by now.

*Sees girl trying to reach soup on top shelf*
“Here let me get that” I say [Beacuse I’m much taller]
*I put the soup in my cart & walk away*

Dr: Are you sexually active?

Me: *cries*

Dr: Um, are you sexually-

Me: *cries harder*

Dr: …..Ok. Do you drink?

Me: YES I BLOODY DRINK

Please don’t exorcise the demon possessing me if it’s really good at things like small engine repair or has a secret recipe for a perfect pie crust.

For Tolkien writing was Hobbit forming.

[audition]

Casting Director: can you do accents?

Me: *cries Britishly*

CD: oh very nice, excellent- anything else?

Me: *cries in Japanese*

CD, overcome with emotion: breathtaking… truly

That job interview was going so well until I realized I was fucked up on acid in the middle of a cornfield naked and talking to a scarecrow.

[Lawyer]
“I can’t stress this enough. You cannot plead that you’re a wizard ok?”
“ok”
[Later in court]
“I plead that im a wizard your honor”

4: mama you’re a sweet tomato!

Me: Aw thank y-

4: because you’re round

Me: …

4: and plumpy

Me: go to your room

ME: I’m a creep. I’m a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don’t belong here.
GUY: I love that song.
ME: What song?

I’m going bananas!

*What I tell my bananas when I’m leaving the house.

X-tra spooky blend

[parole hearing]
“What will u do if released?”
“Kill everyone on the jury.”
“What?”
“Buy everyone jewellery.”
“Aw. Granted.”

If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??

Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they’d never get caught.

Sometimes I’ll order things online & pay for handling but not shipping. I don’t want the product; I just want them to move it around a bit.

Man who looks forward to spending his entire life with Kim Kardashian disagrees with Grammy decision.

What I did to that ice cream is illegal is some states.

Discourage visitors by placing a “use other door” sign on your only door

robber: give me your wallet
me: do your thing patricia
girl im on a date with who’s profile said she enjoys karaoke but I read it as karate: what?

Does this dress make me look cat?

Hangovers only happen to people who stop drinking.

Her: We can’t drive the car, it’s stuck in the mud… Doesn’t it help if you put something under the back tires?

Me: Are you volunteering?

Date: everything ok?

Me: yeah, sorry. I was just thinking about the death of my wife

Date: oh my gosh, I’m sorry. when was it?

Me: tonight if you play your cards right

okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS

[first day as a spelling bee judge]

Me: your word is Sarcasm

Him: can you use it in a sentence please?

Me: no, I’m a spelling bee judge but can’t use a word in a sentence